Finals week memoirs: Monday

Dum da dummmmmmm. It's here folks! Finals week festivities have begun, kicked off with Sunday night paper writing which rolled into a 4am Monday morning. I'd say this is starting off splendidly.

You know, finals week is a funny thing. It's the be all end all of procrastination biting you in the booty. For a whole week, it is socially acceptable to look like a hoodlum, wear no makeup, not have matching clothes and pull all nighters to your heart's content, and no one judges you. It's a beautiful thing, really. I feel like I'm in my natural habitat. Life of a nursing major during finals week= adrenaline, coffee, puffy eyes and exhaustion giggle fits.

It's hard to think that in a week I won't even be in Virginia anymore... I literally have no idea how long I'm going to be gone. It breaks my heart... it's too abrupt an exit from this place. Don't get me wrong, I'm on the edge of my seat and ready to sprint the heck away from Marymount, but from Nova... no way. This is scary. I truly found myself here. I feel like I'm about to leave half of my heart here. So quickly, I established amazing relationships and a world of possibilities, only to put them on hold for a while. I'm trying to be sunshiney about this... I know that this is all happening for an ultimate good, and I know that I won't end up miserable. But it's still a struggle knowing what I'm temporarily leaving behind. I'll probably cry when I leave, not gunna lie. And guys, I'm really not a crier, ever. Womp.

You know, my laptop battery life is approximately an hour. It irks me frequently.

I found the greatest Christmas gift for my dad. It's gonna make him laugh a lot.

I have a headache, dunno know why. Go awayyyy.

I just realized that since it's so close to Christmas, I should probably have some peppyhappygolucky Christmas spirit... Jingle bells?

My apple has a big fat bruise. Sorry for shoving you so violently into my backpack, apple.

I'm so glad to be alive today. Just realized that my car crash was exactly two months ago.

I think I'm going to go to the library during the day today. Maybe I'll get more done.

I'm watching a movie in class and it just described Hilary Clinton as "a sexy little lady." Yuck?

I would love a cigarette right now.

Blehhh, my computer's gonna die. But I'm gonna go into this week with a dumb smile and live alive through it all. I'm going to miss this, and I know it will go by way too fast. Happy Monday :)

No pressing matter, it's simply Tuesday.

If I gave a name to the world outside today, it would be Nonchalant. The rain sweeps the streets and trees just how it wants to, not too violently and not annoyingly sprinkly either. The puddles don't mind being stepped in. It's comfortably warm outside, like the air doesn't mind the rain either. The hum of traffic isn't a nuisance like it usually is, it just kind of gives background music to the slow motion of Tuesday. Somehow today, I just don't mind the rain.

What I'm grateful for today:

- water coolers
- by boss is awesome
- a clean room
- the promise of sleep looming in the [very far, yet visible] distance.
- upfront conversation
- tie dye
- marlboro
- the awesome possum invention of the world wide web
- 10 days till im done with college [for now]

It is SO difficult to focus on schoolwork right now. I feel like I have thirty thousand bajillion things to get done but I have no idea where to start. Bleh. I think I just need to take a step back and regroup. Chaos breaks its neck by tripping over reason. I'll just keep truckin... after all, it's only Tuesday.

It's been a while.

It's been a while since I've had the urge to stick my thought-vomit on my blog. It's been about a month and a half since my life started running circles around my own head. It's been about a month and a half since I realized how little I know and how excited I am for the rest of my life. It's been about a month and a half since I should have died in a car crash.

2 am. October 11, 2001. Mile marker 126 on I-68, somewhere in western Maryland.
Behind the steering wheel, cruise control at 73, completely awake and alert.
My front right tire brushes the rumble strip on the side of the road. I don't know if the sound startled me because I was "in the zone" or what, but as I tried to correct the wheels, we started to fishtail. At 73mph on a dry, curving highway. It all happened so fast, it just feels like a violent blur. We fishtail violently, wheels tipping in the air from the speed and jerking. Then we were flying. flipping. tumbling. It's like my mind took snapshots of it. All I can remember is the feeling of glass and dirt exploding in my face simultaneously from the windows blowing in. Then the eerie stillness when we finally landed rightside up. The only sound was the engine seizing and spinning unevenly. Then Michael asking, "Are you alive?"
Our car flipped [from what we can gather] about 4 times. Across the entire median, to the other side of the interstate, landing miraculously rightside up.

I'm still finding glass in my purse, in a pair of shoes, on my floor. I can't get away from the experience... but I've discovered that maybe I don't want to let it go all the way.

This experience made my life stand still. Time didn't make sense, nothing was normal, I didn't even know how to have a normal conversation. But as time has slowly but steadily returned to its normal pace, my world is completely different. I feel like someone tied a rope around my torso and pulled me around in a sharp 180 degree turn. So many things that I thought mattered just stopped mattering, and the important stuff that I shoved in the background of my life suddenly became priority. It's not a "in the moment" kind of revelation, this is real, this is God, this is my life taking a huge leap in the best possible direction. I'm peaceful, for the first time in forever. I'm finally, truly, relinquishing the steering wheel to God. I found out in the most literal way possible that, as much as it feels like you're in control, you never fully have it. You are not a free agent. Your life is absolutely not your own. One second you may think that you've got the world wrapped around your pinky, but in a split second, you better believe that feeling can be shot to hell. After my accident, I was the smallest, most vulnerable I have ever felt. The obvious yet somehow earth shattering realization that I'm not the one to call the shots completely overtook me. I understand now and forever that this experience was a valiant act of God. I should have either died or been severely hurt in this car accident. Yet, everything that should have gone wrong didn't.
In the week leading up to the accident, I decided to go underway in the People of Praise, a decision that earlier in my life would have seemed absurd. But I've been given the grace to see the beauty of this body of people who love me as a sister and who are willing to lay their lives down for me every single day. I don't even know a lot of them either. Satan was so active while I made the decision to go underway. He put every single possible reason in my head as to why i SHOULDN'T go underway. It's a leap. It's uncertainty. It's unknown territory. It's away from the comfort of a college lifestyle. It's against the grain, no one here at school will understand. But amidst all of these scary thoughts in my head, God had an overwhelming presence. The word in my head that has been constantly present since the day I went underway is TRUST. I've been doing a lot of trusting lately. it's been the best decision of my life.

Someone told me a few days after the accident that when Satan wants to discourage you or when he gets angry, his immediate reaction is desperation. Satan makes desperate moves when he's desperate. His desperate and dramatic move in my life was making my car do acrobatics across an interstate. God deliberately counteracted this by completely preserving me. That alone for me is enough. I witnessed the awesome power of God. I was a receptacle for the outpouring of his grace and mercy. My eyes are wide open with anticipation of the great plans he has for me. I'm listening actively and completely willingly for the first time.

I've decided, based on tons of prayer and conversation that I will not be returning to school next semester. In other words, in t-minus two weeks, Mary Christeta will no longer be a college student. I don't quite know where I'll be living or what I'll be doing, but I do know that this is absolutely the right decision. I'm trusting God with this, foolishly and blindly. It's one of the hardest things I've ever decided, it's a blind step off of a cliff into the dark. I have no idea how long the fall will be, or if I'll fall at all. I do know that the right decisions do not always present themselves as the most comfortable or conventional options. Sometimes things don't make sense until you do them. So right now, I've stopped being solely a thinker and started being a doer. It's not a trip to Disney World, it's not warm and fuzzy. But it is good, and it is peaceful. For me, it is enough.

"Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act." -Psalm 37:5

Semi-charmed Life.

I'm really, really hungry.

I am listening to "My Hit and Run" by Third Eye Blind, and I'm falling in love all over again with them.

I'm getting more psyched for my guitar class. It's picking up a little and I'm getting more comfy with a guitar in my hands. And I'm getting fingertip callouses! Yay no more pain. However, my wrist HURTS from prolonged fretting and barring.

I'm going to a HANSON CONCERT. Yep, you heard it. October 19th, I cannot wait for you. Props to my friend Claire who's taking meee. I'm soooo excited.

This is how I feel right now:



I'm like the modern-day poster child for the "we can do it" mantra. 20 year old nursing student taking 19 credits and working 11 hours a week with no room in her day to eat and no time at night to sleep. However, I am soldiering on. I have Third Eye Blind and Dashboard Confessional singing to my soul and the promise of a 4 day weekend looming in the distance. It's a semi-charmed life.

Happy Monday anyway.

It's Thursday and I'm smiling

I will not do justice to everything that's on my heart and mind right now in this five-minute pre-going to class power post, but I just wanted to type something.
I'm sitting in the Ballston campus baby cafeteria and im sipping on my wonderful invention of hot chocolate mix, black coffee and a baby wittle splish splash of half and half. Gotta have a little half and half when hot cocoa mix is on the scene. I splurged with flex dollars to get a fruit cup. Those honeydew melon and cantaloup slices were oh-too enticing.
[I'm in class now, but whaddaheck, I'm not gonna stop now that I've started.]

This professor just decided to give us a pop quiz on material that she doesn't teach us. I mean, that's cool.

Mmmm I just wanna be outside. it's sunshiney funshiney. Maybe if the sun holds out, I'll adventure into the district and play on the National Mall.

This womannn agghhh she doesn't even know the answers to her own quiz!! She confuses her own wording and all the answers are messed up. Boo. I'm just yippy-skippy excited for her midterm and final.

I have to go potty.

I should do the rest of my psychology paper. This class is a waste of my life. I should stop griping.

I prayed a decade of the rosary on the shuttle this morning for some people. It was so nice. I think I'll make it a habit.

I'm so excited to be underway in the P.O.P. [People of Praise, yo!] Honestly, it's home to me. Not only do I get to spend an hour and a half on Sundays praising Jesus, singing Jesus songs and hearing awesome sharings, I just gained about 3,000 family members. It's automatic, no questions asked, people you don't even know who are part of the Community come over to you and want to know you. They invite you over for dinner and ask you to babysit their adorable children and pray for you and genuinely love you simply because you're their sister/brother in Christ. This is how relationships should be.

I think Becca Feeks is a pretty wonderful person. Get to know her.

Jaime D'Souza... my sweet little Indian baby. You're sitting right next to me and I just like you so much. We will be the best Honors nurses in the entire world... gird your loins, all you sick people. We will take the medical field by storm. I have yet to determine if this is a good thing or not.

Jaime and I are in disbelief at the racism that goes on in this class. Ironically, my professor is trying to teach us to be culturally competent. When she's talking about healthcare for Latinos, she asks the class for the Spanish word for "stomach." She corrected us when we said "estomago," and insisted that it was "estomache" [esss-toe-maach-ayy]. FAIURE.

OH MY GOSH. I just got the best package in the mail from Emily Robinson GREENWOOD. [It's so weird that she's a Mrs. now..]
She sent me a book called "101 Things to Be Grateful For" and a beautiful little card that made me all teary-eyed. She is the best, I can't believe she moved all the way to smelly, beautiful California. I love you Emily Sue!!!!

I'm off to my Cultural Psych class. Golly all my classes have some reference to "culture" and it's so easy to confuse the course material. What in the world, Marymount? Feh. Oh well, I'm wearing a smile on my heart today. Maybe I'll go on a run later. [prolly won't happen seeing as I have abandoned my regimen altogether, however, I am determined to get back on track because part of me feels lost without smelly running shoes that cramp my toes and make my soul feel air-light :) ]

Happy Thursday!

Cool Stuff

I need to work on this whole being grateful thing.

I need to work on not being self-centered.

I need to turn my will into action.

I need to stop thinking so much.

Today was a victory day. I spent about 20 of the last 24 hours studying for my first Anatomy & Physiology II exam. You wouldn't believe the amount of things I memorized in that short amount of time. Did you know that you have 31 pairs of spinal nerves? And that they have names like "vestibulocochlear?" True. Did you know that your vestibulocochlear nerves control your hearing and balance ability? Hah! Now you do. I can spit out extensive information about how nerve impulses are generated and what part of your brain tells you that you're thirsty. Such nifty stuff, I dig it. In lab today, we dissected sheep brains. SO COOL. God is so nifty, the brain is an unbelievable thing. Mary's mind is blown.

I'm listening to "Elephants" by Warpaint.

I should be reading my philosophy homework but honestlyy... I read the same thing in high school and I know all of it backwards and forwards. Having a three hour seminar on this stuff now is just cruel overkill. I do super well in the class though. Meh. Still obnoxious.

I'm sick. It's dumb.

Oh, by the way, I got a B on that test. Apparently that's phenomenal coming from everyone I've talked to who's taken this course from the professor I have. Win. And I aced a lab quiz today. Win win.

I like random adventures like accompanying my starving friends to chipotle even though I have no reason to go.

Maroon 5's album "Songs About Jane" has to be on my top 5. Every song's a win.

I'm too tired to write anything of substance right now but I'm just happy to be today. Ironically, it's been one of the most demanding days of the year. Cool stuff.

hopelessly devoted

From my dorm room, all by my lonesome, I turned on my TV to watch the Notre Dame game. I heard the music and saw the team running out of the tunnel and then I cried a little bit. I love Notre Dame football and I would give an arm to be tailgating outside that stadium today. However, I am contenting myself with a solo dorm room tailgating party involving... well, just me. However, I am completely okay with it. I get to see my fighting irish.


Side note: I shall marry Dayne Crist.

live.

I am glad. Very, very glad.
Glad, not because absolutely everything is alright with the world [which is not the case], but that I have people and friends and tools to remind me of what is lovely and good.
I read about the tragedy at the Indiana State fair and my heart hurts so deeply for the families of the 5 unsuspecting people who were killed there. It made me think about how absolutely fragile our lives are. Things can happen in a split second and change everything. 5 people were about to watch a Sugarland concert, having the times of their lives on a summer night at the FAIR and a gust of wind blew the stage over and crushed them. It was a freak accident, something they would never have seen coming. That really makes me think, we can't just assume that we have forever to go through the motions and hope that life's little quirks will work out in our favor. Time is moving. It doesn't stop for our pity parties or our moments of self-depreciation. Those, in the long run, are like stubbing your toe or pricking your finger. We can't dwell on dumb stuff. I'm not saying that we should live every day being paranoid that "this is the end as we know it." That would be stupid and completely counterproductive. What I am saying though is that we can't waste time hoping that we get dealt a good hand. We have today, right now, to make choices, however big or small, that will dictate how we live. So wake up, know that today, a smile instead of moping can catch someone's eye and remind them that happiness isn't temporary or imagined. Happiness and real LIVING are conscious choices. The nitty gritty, splintery details that bother us as we go through the motions are hardly significant when we look at the big picture. We can spread hope and love and true joy just by deciding to accept that our lives are not our own to tailor and custom-fit to make us comfortable. We are supposed to challenge ourselves with hard decisions and strive to live and love foolishly, without holding back, without stopping to think about how convenient or comfortable something is. Just do what expresses love and joy and true service to this gift of life that we have. No hesitation, time won't wait for you to make up your mind.

I want to appreciate, I want to love without lacking, I want to hold nothing back and live how God truly intended. God bless and comfort those families who lost loved ones this weekend. Help them know that in You lies comfort and hope, and that only through trust in You, they can accept, appreciate and carry on the beautiful, temporary gift of living.

Me gusta mi vida :)

Hoodie weather starting at 7pm this week

An evening run, however slow it may have been, with Annie

5 mile walks home from work

laughing until I cried because of something I can't even remember

Dwight Schrute

Crossword puzzles

My mother

A conscience

Sore ab muscles

Adorable kids who I get snotty-nosed hugs from every day at work. I love nannying.

The ability to mass-produce grilled cheese for 6 kids in 20 minutes using one griddle.

Becca


These are some major things I am grateful for this week. I'm noticing my tendency to be prone to ungrateful mopiness for no apparent reason, and I don't like that about myself. I get to spend 5 days a week with 6 amazing, beautiful, insane, hilarious kids. I have learned a world of patience and wit. [Kids can out-wit you soooo easily]. I have a country whose definition is freedom and who am I to deserve it? I don't have to worry about debt, being truly hungry, loneliness or despair. I have absolutely everything I need and more, and, sadly, it is incredibly easy to take for granted. I don't want to. I don't want to live wasting my resources and gifts. I have so much to give and countless ways to give it. I just need to decide to start doing it.

I go back to school in less than two weeks. Honestly, the summer totally got away from me. It's felt like a lifetime and 5 minutes at the same time. I feel like I just rolled out of bed to take my last final, pack up my room and leave NOVA for my south bend summer. But school feels like a world away and I can't believe the contrast of my two lives. This coming semester will test me, in a lot of ways. I'm taking 19 credits and working on campus 10 hours a week. I just decided to go underway in the p.o.p. and I'm still mulling over my decision. This semester will test my mind, ethic, and faith. I'll want to give up, I'll want to slack off, but I'm telling myself right now that I can't. I want to charge forward, go energizer-bunny on this situation and let it become a part of me, I don't want to be controlled by my schedule. Im so excited for this change, I can't wait to see what is in store for me.

I'm going to chocago in the morning to hang out with my MU friend, the lovely and wonderful Liz. Liz is so cool. There actually isn't a better word to describe her, because everything she says and does is so unique and awesome. She kinda makes you want to be her. I can't wait to hang out with the ladyy.

I'm sleepy, so I'm going to bed, how about that.

For now, Im grateful to be. Although I am grateful for other things as well, being grateful for existing should always be enough.

Couch Potato

My name is Mary and I look like a chipmunk and I'm drooling like a baby.
Having your wisdom teeth out may mean catchin some extra z's but man oh man, it is NOT glamorous. At the moment, there are mountains of gauze in my cheeks, my bottom lip feels like it's the size of a basketball, im drooling, and there are two tube socks stuffed with baggies of frozen peas that are tied around both sides of my head. Ever seen the old Christmas Carol when Jacob Marley comes in and ties a kerchief around his whole head, closing his jaw? Observe....


























Right?








Anyway, I'm trying not to think and just to enjoy time off work for a few days while my cheeks un-swell.


I haven't written anything on here in a really long time! It's almost time to start packing to go back to school... holy wow, where in the world did the summer go? It's August now, what?? Insane. I'm actually completely excited to go back to school... I miss my friends and DC soooooooo much!!! However, leaving my nannying job will be so ridiculously hard. I got to attached to those kids, I'm going to miss them so much. They're gonna be so big the next time I see them after the summer ends! Ugh. Sad.

I want a frosty, mmmm.

Im getting feeling back in my face slowly. It feels weird. Ooo oo, I asked to see my teeth after they pulled them. It was soooo cool. It;s crazy how deep they go. Go'ds such an architect.



Ohhhhkay, soo I haven't lauded Valerie lately, so now I'm gunna.
Valerie is the busiest person I know. Seriously,no joke, I have NO idea how she maintains even semi-frequent bouts of sanity. If I were she, I would have ABSOLUTELY no social life, much less be able to be a delightful friend/girlfriend/sister/daughter. I'm sure I would be a grumpy terror. Valerie is just so lovely. She belongs in a Jane Austen novel. Not as one of the sitting duck-type girls who spend their days sewing and playing piano, but as the Elizabeth Bennett type-- the dazzling heroine who captures peoples attention not just with her beauty [which is great] but also with her passion and intellect and enthusiasm for life and understanding the dimensions of reality. The heroine who sweeps Mr. Darcy off his feet because he's positive that she's the iron woman of the century. Valerie is totally the iron woman of the century. She photographs thousands of people and has something unique and genuine to say about EACH of them. She has so much room in her heart for people and passions. Work consumes her life sometimes, but she finds so much beauty in it and so much appreciation for the down time. Constantly humbled at a tough price, but she's grateful for everything. She's such a role model for me. I just love her.

Thank goodness it's Shark Week. I'm easy-chair bound for the next 24 hours... Bring on the jaws.

I'm grateful for living in America. The standards of care and cleanliness and living are unbelievable compared to EVERYWHERE else in the world. I did nothing to deserve being born in this country. Thank you baby Jesus.

I'm going to go ice my face. Hey, at least I wasn't bit by a shark! I just saw an episode about this lady whose entire butt got bitten off by a shark. That would be the worst. And way more awkward than chipmunk cheeks.

Run Baby Run

Ever had one of those oh-wow-oh-my-gosh-I-just-realized-what-makes-me-tick moments? Well I just did. Actually it's kind of a rediscovery because once upon a time, this was my life. Running, that is. After I got back from school this spring, I felt like my life had kinda fallen out of rhythm. I got really bad at the whole balancing act between doing the every-day stuff and doing what keeps me sane. I discovered a long time ago that running, with all of its aches and pains and mental focus and endurance, is what makes me feel the most free, the most happy, the Maryest Mary I can be. Whenever I fall out of my running habit I feel like crap all the time. However, I am making a decision. A commitment to myself that this summer, I'm not going to let myself forget the top-of-the-world feeling that never fails when I run. I want to make it a part of me again. Today, I ran home from work. I thought it was like 3 miles, and I'd run from about the same place home before and wasn't really phased by it. But it ended up that it was 4.68 miles. SHAZAM. I feel like I'm back in the game. I'm ready to run alll the time and love it.

The other night, my mom asked me if I wanted to go sit on the roof and solve the world's problems. Did I win the mom jackpot or what??

I miss Jaime and Chelsea.

I don't have very much else to say at the moment. I'm just being content to be.

Sunshine gonna wash my blues away

Lonnnng overdue for a good blogging. Here commences my cats-and-dogs-mental outpouring.

Where to begin.... well, I'm working full time this summer, a revelation in the life of Mary Christeta, considering my past summers have been spent thumb-twiddling and pouncing upon the occasional desperate babysitting job. I nanny for six children under the age of ten for nine hours a day, five days a week. Substantial upgrade? I think so. For as crazy, insane, and mentally exhausting as the job can be, ultimately I love it. The family has four girls and two boys, the eldest being a ten year old girl and the youngest being an eight-month old girl, a complete bundle of sweetness. Two of the kids were adopted from Haiti: Vivian, a first grader who has a mind of her own and, to put it lightly, a fiercely independent nature. She is actually kind of intimidating. Her jump roping skills are unrivaled... The other Haiti child is a four year old bundle of energy named John Peter, JP for short. My oh my, is he crazy. In the hilarious, he's-so-mischievous-but-so-clever-and-oh-my-gosh-his-huge-brown-eyes-are-so-cute-so-i-really-can't-be-very-mad-at-him kind of way. He is all love and hugs when he isn't crying his big crocodile tears because of his perpetually jungle-gym-scraped knees. He occasionally talks in third person, too. He can ride his training wheels like a maniac and still stay balanced [I always thought training wheels just made the bike more rickety and scary], while also [somehow] not running over two-year-old Liam who haphazardly waddles, stub-toed and barefoot, along JP's trailblazing path on his tricycle. Nerve-racking, hilarious kids. The baby girl is SO CUTE. Her cheeks sag down because they're so fat, and she looks like she has huge biceps and Popeye's forearms because her little chubchub rolls are so big and round. However, despite her chubbiness, she has a skinny little frame so she's light. She has just learned to crawl, so when you hold her, she constantly squirms and climbs up your torso like a little monkey. She only has her two front teeth in, too. Someone got all they wanted for Christmas, eh? All in all, despite being tired at the end of the day, all the hugs and kisses and baby giggles I get totally cancel out the poopy diapers and wetting the bed. [Just to be clear, it's the kids' poopy diapers and wet beds, not mine.]

In other news, Pensacola is only a week away and I'm sooo ready to get out of South Bend and have some bonding time with my sweet Gulf of Mexico. I ache for my sunrise runs along the beach, breathless in the hot sun and finding refuge for that split second of splintered palm tree shade. I can't wait to have absolutely nothing better to do than to just SIT [or lay out] on the sugar white sand and forget myself in the sunshine. Pensacola nights are probably my favorite. Cocktail time starts approximately at 5:30pm, and from then on, it's nothing but good food, drinking, laughing, and bonding with my incredibly awesome extended family. Seriously, I don't think you could bring together a more badass group of people. My Grandpa [my dad's dad] flew plans in the Navy during Vietnam, my two of my uncles are in the Navy too, one is a Naval doctor, once stationed on aircraft carriers, and the other is a Marine. My other Uncle is one of the most hilarious people I know and my aunts would make a living if their conversations were televised or documented. They are so funny. I just can't wait, it will be free & easy, just how summer is supposed to be. With nothing to worry about except a sunburn :)

I'll finish this post later because I'm off to a couple high school graduation parties. People grow up so fast! I swear these kids were just little 5th grade babies and now they're graduating from my old high school. Time flies. Or in the true spirit of good old Trinity School, TEMPUS FUGIT :)
[once you learn latin, it never leaves you.]

Hasta luego amigos!

p.s. Spain vs. USA today.... both of my teams against each other... my heart is torn two ways. May the best men win.

Loosening my grip

I got to spend my weekend with the only and only super-Valerie Carnevale. She astounds me sometimes. She is always go-go-go, doing so much for other people all the time. I have dubbed her the serial babysitter because she babysits ALL THE TIME but it's always for different people. What a champion. Despite her crazy, never-ending to-do lists and work projects, she somehow always finds time to be a thinker. That sounds weird, but it's such a rare thing. Think about it, most times we get so wrapped up in life and work and social lives and drama and everything else in this crazy world that we forget to stop and reflect and think and get back to the simple stuff. The stuff that makes us who we are, the reasons why we are here and the causes and effects of our thoughts and actions. A lot of the time I get frustrated with myself because I think I might spend more time being a thinker than being a doer. Val has a good balance, I admire her so much for that.

Did you know that 36,000 people in the United States quit their jobs and maxed out their visa cards because the world was supposed to end on Saturday? They hate themselves now.

I spent the day with Annie yesterday in Bloomington! We talked and window shopped and people watched and had a great time. We also went out to lunch with Jonathan which was hilarious. I learned the "shimmy-changa" [since, as we all know, if you don't know what a chimichanga is, you simply declare that it sounds like "shimmy" changa and turn it into a dance that can only be done while sitting in a Mexican restaurant..]. Entertaining, fun, happy. Annie has round 1 of her CPA exams today, pray for her!! That test is a beast, it won't be very nice.

I don't really feel rooted right now. I can't really explain it, but I just constantly feel like I'm going through the motions, constantly faking it till I make it because I'm not joyful, at all. This isn't a pity story or a sob session, it's just flat out reality-- I feel like something's missing. Normally, I can go through the day with a smile just because I'm alive but right now, I feel like I'm forcing everything. I feel really suffocated but I don't know why or what's causing it. I know I need more prayer in my life, that definitely should be my first step. It's so easy to let ourselves forget that God is the ultimate knower. He knows EVERYTHING about you. The good things and the bad, the things that make you happy and the things you're ashamed of. He also loves you, to an inexplicable, beyond understanding, astonishing level. We cannot even comprehend his love. He let his son DIE, watched him be nailed to a cross and suffer for OUR sins. Us, human beings, the ones who spend all our savings and quit our jobs because we think the world is ending. The ones who screw up chronically, every day, who are flawed. But he loves us, beyond all of our mistakes and regrets. That is enough. It should always be enough for us. His love is the beginning and the end. In him, we are FREE. Completely free and able to be who we were MEANT to be. His sons and daughters, living in love because His love is why we exist. I want to give it all to Him-- My free-falling feelings, my loneliness, my anxieties, my fears & my doubts. He makes them irrelevant, outshines them with his unrelenting grace. I need to let Him in, I want to let him in. I want to let him take the steering wheel, because I feel like I'm swerving into a lane of oncoming traffic, always coming too close to a collision. He's the best driver around. I'll let him take the wheel, let him take me through the back roads, the ones that I've fought and ignored, I'll sit and talk with him as we take the scenic route. I wanna let him in. I want to roll down the windows and feel my soul light as air because I can feel the sun kiss my face and the wind tangle my hair. It's all so beautiful, a life with God beside you. I'm gonna let him in.

I'm gonna be free today, I'll read some C.S. Lewis, go on a run, talk to Jesus and get right with my soul.

Gettin Stronger

Today I made a promise to myself to not be a slacker. I'm starting to feel like, as these gray South Bend days are sauntering by, I'm kind of letting them seep into my cognitive and emotional processes. After all, summertime should make you want to go out and DO STUFF, not sit around in sweats with perpetual messy-bunned hair waiting for the next way-too-sappy romcom to start. Which is kiiinda what I've been doing. Completely guilty. When my two mile run early this week practically kicked my butt [frustrating, after almost a whole semester in sunny-wonderful Northern Virginia of being in really good shape], I started thinking and realized that I should reeeaaally get a handle on myself before the summer slips by and I'm still sitting on my living room sofa wishing I was somewhere else. Nope. Not gonna let this pass me by. I'm going to run. A lot. I'm going to read C.S. Lewis books and keep thinking. I'm going to pray while I drink my coffee in the morning and maybe catch some sunrises. I'm gonna sit on my roof and lie under the stars because I can. I'm going to bond with old friends who I'm going to miss when I'm gone. I want this summer to fill me up, not bring me down.

I went on a good run today. The kind that leaves you aching and breathless at the end but still leaves you feeling like somehow, despite your physical fatigue, you can keep going. It started out rough though, not gonna lie. A mile in, I was miserable, but once your legs and body remember that old rhythm, you kind of feel unstoppable. I remembered how much I love running. How good it makes me feel. It's the cheapest high you'll ever get, people. I've gotten into the habit of running without music. It's enough with me in my head, much less having T-Pain fry my brain waves. I think when I run and sometimes I pray. I go through memories, come to realizations, and like myself better more every time I lace up my Asics and just go. Running therapy really is the best kind.

I saw this little boy playing in his driveway when I was riding my bike today [yes, I did kinda keep going after my feel-good run], and he was in a batman costume. It was way too small for him, and his diaper butt just made it even more funny. A lot of the time I wish I was still a little kid... then I remember that I totally still am. [When appropriate, of course.]

I miss my sisters a whole lot. Becca and Annie are like the dream team sisters. Seriously, I don't think I could be any more lucky to have them. Becca is the constant thinker, the self-knowing, incredibly wise, responsible friend who everyone appreciates and looks up to. Annie has the same independent, responsible and wise character. She is less out-spoken, not introverted, but kind of quiet in her confidence. She never draws attention to herself but she is incredibly worthy of it. That girl has a heart of gold. Becca is scatterbrained and Annie is organized, but they are both geniuses. Annie just graduated in 4 years with her masters degree in forensic accounting. III definitely didn't get that gene. And little miss Beccasmartypants is working in DC blowing everyone's minds with her wit and affinity for writing. Both of my sisters are so amazing. We are all so different but I catch myself feeling really proud when someone tells me I remind them of either Becca or Annie. They're pretty rad role models if you ask me. I love them both dearly.

My mom just came into my room humming the Puff the Magic Dragon theme song. I love that woman.

It's Saturday night, know what that means? In the Feeks household [Feeks is plural in this case because as far as I know, all of my Dad's siblings and parents partake in this weekly tradition] it is hamburger night. Rain or shine, sleet or snow, without fail, my daddy is at the grill at approximately 6:30 grilling his famous Mikey Feeks burgers while Ore-Ida french fries are in the oven. I actually can't remember a Saturday night without hamburgers. You can tell my dad comes from a military family because at approximately 5:45, either he or one of my little brothers is making his way around the house making a list of who wants what kind of cheese on their burger or if they want just a plain hamburger. Everyone gets says much the same thing every week, but I'll be darned if he doesn't need his list. My dad is famous [small town, ya know? Hahh, not really] for his hamburgers and hot wings. You better believe that my junior-in-high school brother John and his friends storm my home on Friday nights pleading with my father to blow their minds yet again with his buffalo wing expertise. Whatta guy. I love him.

Uhp, dinner time! Yumyum, you should be envious. This is going to be delicious.

Life is good today, I'm choosing to be happy. To be grateful and thoughtful and not throw my days away. After all, each one's different and time doesn't wait. Ever.

p.s. Did you know that there's a museum of strawberries in Belgium? I didn't. But my Snapple cap sure did.

Awake & Alive. [with the help of frivolous amounts of maxwell house]

Today I got up early! I mean, it wasn't by choice because I have to work in approximately 40 minutes, but nevertheless, I am alive, awake, and alert. I am also on my 3rd mug of black coffee. Reheated. I learned from my dad to drink my coffee black. In addition to being positively YUMMY, I love how low-maintenance and easy it is. And you can just keep reheating it... I think I've learned to ignore the fact that my coffee tastes burnt a lot of the time.

I'm sore today from running-- a welcome feeling after having done nothing productive for weeks on end. I'm committing it to myself now, I am going to be in good shape this summer. There really is no excuse not to be.

This post is super short but I have to leave for work soon. I just wanted to start the day off right, start my mind moving and rev myself up for nannying 6 kids under the age of 9. Let the circus begin!

Calm--Not Speed.

My wonderful friend Valerie mailed me a book of daily meditations during the middle of this past semester. It's full of some really awesome stuff and helps me think and pray a lot about my life. I wanna share today's excerpt.

"In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength"- Isaiah 10:15
All agitation is destructive of good. All calm is constructive of good, and at the same time destructive of evil. When man wants evil destroyed so often he rushes to action. It is wrong. First, be still and know that I am God. Then act only as I tell you. Always calm with God. Calm is trust in action. Only trust, perfect trust can keep one calm. Never be afraid of any circumstances or difficulties that help you to cultivate this calm. As the world, to attain, must learn speed, you, to attain, must learn calm. All great work for Me is first done in the individual soul of the worker.

This really made me think. A lot. The part that talks about man wanting evil destroyed but rushing quickly to action struck me especially. Because isn't that instinctual for a lot of us? If something upsets us, we want something done about it right away. Our instinct is not to turn the other cheek, if you will. We want to call out the people who offend us. We want to justify ourselves by taking immediate action and retaliating. But this meditation gave me something to think about. When put in a situation where you feel wronged, or want to retaliate against something-- don't act. Instead, just listen. Be calm. I think "calm" takes a really deep meaning here. It's not just sitting and counting to ten in order to blow off steam. This calm is a spiritual calm. This calm goes hand in hand with TRUST in God. Trust that he can handle stuff a thousand times better than we can. Trust that acting on our emotions and "intuition" isn't always the brightest idea. God is the man. God is the ultimate voice of reason. We are God's workers. What else is our job if not to first TRUST him, because he brought us here. He didn't have to. We were given this unbelievably awesome gift of LIFE and the ability to love. How dare we think that we're in charge? How dare we think that we have it figured out? We don't. At all. Which is why seeking solace, true calm in God, is one of the most important steps in building a life in Him.
It's not easy. I'm not saying I'm a pro... at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure I suck at it. It takes a lot of humility. Swallowing your pride and crawling like a child towards God is sometimes what it takes. But oh, how much more rich, beautiful, and lovely would our lives be if we constantly trusted instead of just acting on anger or emotion.
I'm pretty sure it's impossible to calm a storm with another storm.
You can't fight fire with fire or stop a flood with a rainstorm.
The only way to live is to trust, to find God's peace. Be calm. Slow down. God's plan of action is probably way better and more rewarding than yours.
Just stop and listen. Don't try and calm a storm with a storm. Let God take over.

This.

I've really never wanted anything more than this. A continuation of life. A total freedom of expression of who I am without fear of being judged or being worried about what other think because only one thing matters. All or nothing. To the end. I am myself, fearlessly, because I know it's all okay. It's all gonna be okay. Jesus knows my heart, my soul, my motives, my values, my stipulations. He's on my side every step of the way. He'll never leave. Ever. He's my number one. Whatever he says goes. I'm fearless when I'm walking in his light. Lord, help me never stray from it. Wisdom, be my guide, Jesus, keep me in the light. Just keep me where the light is. My genuine hopes are your desires. You will give me the desires of my heart. Help time be a blessing, not a burden. Help my mind grow, my good judgement never wane, my spirit never fade and my heart grow stronger in my love for the Father as I continue with this beautiful life. Pray for those who struggle. Advocate the sufferers, the strangers, the wanderers. Be the light. Pray to be the light, to understand how to keep the flame alive. Because, really, I've never wanted to feel so alive. I burn for this.

It's all alright

Today was good. Really good.

It started out HORRIBLY. Absolutely horribly. I slept for about 3.5 hours last night, woke up 5 mins before I had to catch a bus, caught the bus with no makeup on and half asleep, went to class in said state, left class early in order to finish a paper that was due 2 hours later, and found out I had to restart it. But hey, it got better.

I spent the day with my lovely friend Jaime D'Souza. She's beautiful. She has long, wavy hair that's chocolate brown just like her eyes. She helps me make sense of life when I feel like I'm falling apart. Jaime and I laugh, a lot. She just makes me smile. I camped out in her room today and wrote a paper. Then we proceeded to have a terrible dinner, adventure for s'mores, feed the ducks, scare away children, voyage into georgetown and have successful missions. It's all in an evening's work.

It's legitimately startling how much time I don't have left here before I leave for the summer. I feel like I just now got to know so many amazing people and now I'm just peacin' out. It's such a bummer. Days like today feel like the beginning of summertime. You forget about the fact that you have 3 quizzes and a lab report and go adventuring instead. You put the dumb stuff aside for a beautiful second and remember how to feel free again. That was today for me. Such a good reminder. I have a week and a half left to LOVE where I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing.

Third eye blind is singing my sorrows away.

My phone refuses to send texts right now... why?

Did I mention that I fed a duck today? And walked barefoot on a stone wall? And ran up a broken escalator just to beat the slew of people on the moving one? And wore a tank top today without being cold?

I think life is a pretty cool song to dance to.

Peace.

Stop skimming the surface. Today is a day for love, rejoicing, reveling in the ability to be.

Procrastination at its strangest.

Wednesday day: full of chaosminded tom foolery. I feel like I'm drifting through life, like my feet aren't really on the ground. I can't decide if it bothers me or if it's a sign that I'm doing something right. Lately Ive been restless, as I've let on, but I think I'm steadily attacking the restless monster. Maybe this is what it feels like to get a new start. Because I haven't quite invented a new foundation yet. Doesn't mean I'm not on the right track :)

I'm in the library now-- looking like an absolute mess. I haven't worn anything outside of the "sweats" category all week long. Unless you count for work yesterday when I wore a skirt and boots, for no other reason other than that all my jeans and sweats were dirty. You know it's bad when dressing up is a last resort. My body feels like it's telling me that I haven't slept in weeks, but I have so I don't know what's going on. Every time I sleep, it seems impossible to wake up. Hahaha, i turn off my alarms without realizing it and NOTHING motivates me to get up. I need to fix this...
I've been meaning to edit this paper for a week... it's my american literature paper and it's on a short story, You think the professor would tolerate some original thought on the story and the paper topic but apparently not... This is the most frustrating revision EVER. He's insanely picky. mrehhh.

I haven't been to the gym in a frustratingly long time. I can't stannnnnnd it.

We have two weeks of school left. That freaks me OUT.

I'm going to miss so many poeple this summer... I almost don't want to leave even though I'm freaking ready to get out of school. I'm gonna miss jaime and chelsea and emily and the other emily and becca and everyone else. This summer will be so fun but I'm gonna be so lonely without my gang.

Any bets on how much longer I'll procrastinate writing this thing?

I like the word "absurd."

I found an online scrabble website. Wohholy cows.

I found out today that I have $12.35 in my bank account. That's just a little bit frightening... No gum or energy drinks for Mary for the next few weeks...

I miss Val. So much.

I can't wait for it to be summertime. You know when the sun is setting but it's like the world isn't quite ready because everything outside is still humming a pulsing, sunsoaked sound? I can't wait for mosquito-swatting front porch heart to hearts with mom and a glass of wine. I can't wait for swingset bonding with my big little brother. I can't wait for adventures with Valerie and heart to hearts and forever memories. I can't wait to hear renee and katie anne again and I can't wait to see roger's car in my driveway. I can't wait for morning runs when the sun is already hot and the neighbor's sprinklers are already clicking. I can't wait for pensacola beach-- the thick, smooth, salty air, the constant lullaby tide, and the sugar white sane that stays everywhere. At the beach, cocktails are at five, dinner is anytime after we feel like cocktails are done. Usually around 8 :] Becca is bringing her man to pensacola this summer-- i can;t wait for him to meet the family! what a keeper, that billybear.

I really need to start this paper, I'm going to be in here all night.

I am tired, but trying. Kinda lonely, but hopeful and happy that tomorrow's sunshine will brighten my soul a little. CRAP I HAVE CHOIR IN 30 MINUTES.

I'm going to finish this paper.

I have a five page paper due in approximately five hours. I have one sentence written. But it's okay. I'm going to soldier through. I don't have caffeine but that's what jumping jacks and excedrine are for, right?

I'm eating applesauce, wearing fuzzy pink slippers [which I found out can survive going through the washer AND the dryer], I am unshowered because taking a shower is my incentive for getting this paper done. Is that gross? Yeah probably. Well, I'm not going into public, so It's an okay method of self-motivation.

It;s almost friiiiiiiiiday. Springfest. Springfest is tomorrow! Free t-shirts sound like a good plan to me. And moon bounces. Im so excited.

It's sunny outside. Im going to finish this paper so I can get out there and get me some Vitamin D :)

For everything.

Twist them around your finger,
your desires and wishes, your selfish wants.
Wrap them and coil them,
transform them unrecognizable;
your future, your life, is not yours to perfect.

Tangle the allure, the lie of
countless reminders to take control of what you
CAN'T.

Give the mess you've made to
whom it first belonged before you went and
tried to carve a mountain with your own dull tools.

Realize, trust, rest in knowing that only
He can make a straight line out of your
overturned and disconnected actions.

Heart, stop looking.
Mind, stop wrestling.
Legs, stop running.
Soul, stop sleeping.

Happiness is only found when you realize the
perfection and advocacy of the One who created it.







Today is a day for relinquishing the clutch I've had on my life. Today is a day for realizing that God knows and has planned for me SO MUCH MORE than I could ever even begin to imagine. Today is a day to give my mind, heart, words and actions to the heart of my God. There is not problem he gives me that he does not have a solution for. There is no path he will put me on that does not lead to something. Today is a day to realize that HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING. There is nothing I can do that he can't do better. There is no string of words I could articulate that he could not say a thousand times more perfectly.
We are halfway through lent. Honestly, I've sucked so far. I've cheated on what I gave up, I ate meat on two Fridays [because of travel, and then forgetfulness], and I haven't had sufficient prayer time. BUT in church this weekend, the priest caught my attention in his homily when he said that we still have time. We can still go all out. well, I'm down. I want this lent to shape me. I want to get the real meaning of it. Remember you are dust, and to dust you shall return. We start lent by hearing this, but how often do we think about it? It illustrates the crux of our whole existence: we would be nothing, if not for God. We ARE nothing without him. He is our MAKER. We come from the very work of his own hands. So why the HELL do we have any business thinking we can live without him? Crush the lies you see on tv and read in magazines. Sex has been transformed from the perfection of the human relationship in God into an entire CULTURE of lies and depersonalization and emptiness. The meaning is lost but the actions remain. It's heart wrenchingly sad, what we've accepted as normalcy. The only fullness, the only happiness and strength of character and personhood comes from God. What a beautiful thing to have Him. What a tragic thing to have lost sight of.

Today, you should breathe.
Have a heart to heart with yourself.
Realize what you can be grateful for.

I am grateful for FAMILY, for weekends at home with way too much food and amazing conversations, for my mom and her mind and heart and soul and advice, my dad and his steadiness, his willingness to give all of himself for his family, heart to hearts with my brother over smokes and elementary school swings, for gum and water and life cereal and shuttlebus drivers and weather that tangibly hints at summertime, for warm showers and good running shoes and DC date-adventures picnicking with jaime d'souza. For heart to hearts on the lawn at night with my best girlfriends. For valerie and her constant sunshine, her everything. for dillon and his adventure stories and awesomeness. for the holding-the-door-open-for-you-people, for the cafeteria lady, for 395 south, harris teeter and crack cookies. and kites.

for my life. for my mind. for my heart. for everything.

Im grateful for everything.

Ready, set, go.

You know, God really rocks. He does. I'm trying to make more room for him in my life lately, and I'm beginning to see him everywhere. In my conversations, in my assignments, and just in general. I see him in my conversations with Asia about relationships and how difficult it is to wait for the right person, I see him in the encouragement I get from my friends, I see him in my cup of coffee+dark hot chocolate every morning, and I see him between the lines of my meditation book from Valerie. It's all kind of starting to make sense, my life. In a really discombobulated, chaotic, dysfunctional, perfect way. Because right now, I feel like my life is kinda like a crazy, tazmanian devil whirling dervish of emotions and thoughts and exhaustion and schoolwork and jobs and drama and far too little sleep. But that's how God works, he fits into the gaps in the weirdest, most unsuspected places. I was on a "holy-crap-i-am-going-to-jump-out-of-my-skin-if-i-don't-do-something-right-now" adventure run on monday, and in the midst of my "adventuring," I got soooo lost. Like, I ended up on a back road with no sidewalks and dangerously sloping embankments and fast oncoming traffic. At first I was angry, thinking stuff like "wow God is laughing at me right now, I am so pathetic, I can't even go on a 3 mile run without getting lost," but then it hit me. That whole situation, me taking weird turns and ending up stumbling rather than running along a road with cracked pavement and crazy opposing traffic, is exactly how my life is right now. I'm trying to swim against the current. Im trying to run without sidewalks on a congested, narrow road. I'm trying to take too much control over what I CAN'T control. I'm trying to do everything without God. That's how it feels. Like struggling against a current that's impossible to beat. God is way too big to tackle, you can't reverse oncoming traffic no matter how fast you're running in the opposite direction.
I need to stop running. I need to stop fighting. God is sending me so many signals and I'm ignoring all of them. He's begging me to take a breathe for once. To just stop and LISTEN instead of drowning him out with all the noise in my life and expecting to hear him over all the commotion. It's time for me to cool it. It's time for me to realize that it's impossible to keep trying alone. I don't have to be alone-- I'm NOT alone.

I need to be crisscross applesauce on Valerie's kitchen floor, pouring my heart out to her while she makes me one of her trademark grilled cheeses.

I want to be laughing hysterically and unstoppably at absolutely nothing with Renee and Katie on Katie's basement sofa.

I want to sing "O Magnum" with the Chamber Choir again. I still have it memorized.

I want to sit on my front porch with my legs stretched out and crossed on the banister and swat away mosquitoes in summertime dusk.

I need to realize that I am capable of changing my mind. It takes will. It's not enough to haphazardly wish things were different. If you actually WILL it, God will flood like a ribbon through your life. I think I will it. I want to be all out for him. Seeing Valerie's pictures of Haiti made me cry, a lot. And reading the journals she wrote there and everything she learned... it's all in my heart too. I feel it ALL. But I haven't voiced it. I feel like people, especially here at college, don't know my heart. They may know me as a sweet, nice person who's easy to get along with and laughs alot and has crazy hair and a cool eye and a weird middle name, but they don't know my heart. And I want that. I want people to know ME.

I find extreme beauty in really simple things. Like the sunrise. And sand.

I am a really internally emotional person. I don't show it very often.

God really is the love of my life. I need him, I am empty without him.

My parents taught and gave me an INCREDIBLE disposition in life. I still don't understand how they do it, they're amazing. I have the guiltiest conscience in the world, I know how to pray, I know how to love because of them.

I love being alone. Especially when I'm driving.

I write when I'm stressed out. Poetry, or rambles like this one.

I love to love. I think I'm good at loving people. I've figured out that it is very, very possible to love someone and not like them at all. Love is not all rainbows and butterflies, it is work, it's miserable sometimes. It requires humility and sacrifice of self in order to love other people the right way. I try to though. I am by no means an expert though. My mom is.

But really, she is.

And Valerie.

I want to lay it all down, love foolishly, hold nothing back, not let myself be tied down by things that won't matter in five years. I want to be preoccupied with what will matter FOREVER, my heart and my soul. My lack of sleep and excessive caffeine intake and my frustration with professors and stress about tests do not collectively amount to the power that actively loving does. It moves mountains. I wanna move a mountain. Readysetgo.

i choose the whole rainbow.

It's been a while.

Whew. It's been a while. Prepare for rambling.

Soooo it's tuesday, first week back after the laziest, most ridiculously chill break in the world. I definitely needed the chill-out, but I feel like it almost set me too far back. I ran only once during break, after being used to running 6 days a week, so you can imagine my workout last night... let's just say that i felt the effects of the gargantuan amounts of honeynut cheerios i ate way past midnight every night and the obscene amount of crepes and whipped cream i consumed on midnight on ash wednesday. It's safe to say that I was sinfully gluttonous during break. whoops.

But break was really great, it was. I went home with my friend [and future roommate] Emily Dober. She lives in Virginia Beach, about 3 miles south of DC. It's a beautiful area, and despite the cold, we did rough the beach one day, just to say we did. Haha, it was SO cold. But totally worth it. I got to see my ocean :)
We went to movies and pierced our ears and ate too much food and didn't sleep enough and facebook creeped and had adventures. It was great, I love Emmyface.

I can't help but be almost tearfully jealous of some of my friends who got to go on mission trips during break. Hearing Valerie talk about Haiti, the people there who hunger for relationships and God and love... I want to be there. All the time. I don't talk about it a lot, but it's on my heart constantly. I want to be surrounded by those people. I want to play soccer in the dirt with 10 year old kids who are way better than me because they've had nothing much else to do with their lives than be outside. I want to have the eye-opening experience of communicating through love and not spoken language. I want to look into the big, beautiful eyes of impoverished and orphaned Haiti babies and love them and take care of them. To be there, to make room in my life for something thats not about me, that's not about my concern for the way I look or how other people think of me or what I'm going to eat or what to put as my facebook status or what the weekend plans are. I want to drop it all for a while and live for other people. I know I don't have to be in Haiti to live that way, but to be face to face with the harsh, sad, terrible reality of the poverty there, to be able to genuinely sympathize because i've SEEN it and I've experienced it... I crave that. I crave to love. My friend Jaime went to Peru for spring break and worked with orphans and rebuilt a church and stayed with a peruvian family and was served peruvian food and got to play with the kids. I wish I could go. I will, someday.

Yesterday, in theology class, we talked about the concept of salvation. We read this piece that used love and salvation analogously. It said that love and salvation entail the same paradox. That in truly loving, you give up a part of your self-seeking self in order to make room for someone or something else, while simultaneously becoming a more whole and true person. Love is a process. It's willful and conscious. You knowingly die to yourself in order to replace it with something you know to be greater and more important. In this sacrifice, you become more whole. Salvation has the same paradox, because [I think it's in the gospel of john that says this] "we have to die with Christ in order to rise with him." That statement struck me. A lot. Because it's an explanation for suffering in love. Empathy is what comes to my mind. I think I empathize a lot. I put myself in other people's situations and FEEL what they feel. In that way, I think I'm good at loving. But it's not all rainbows and butterflies. It's painful and sad and confusing sometimes. But that's just it. We can love because God loved us first, by sending christ into the world and by christ dying for our sins. Loving, then, utilizing the ability we are given by being created, ENTAILS SUFFERING. We must die with Christ in order to rise with him. We love, even when it is miserable, because it's exactly what christ did for us. His love for us was being nailed to a cross. Leaving a place like Haiti or peru and coming back to America where food gets wasted by the truckload and daily showers are normal can make you feel like you're empty. Like there is a void inside your heart where the faces of beautiful, impoverished people that you laid yourself down for used to be. The fact is, there is no void. The process of love is being able to make the transition from being physically present, in front of those people, to going away and making room for them in your heart. That is the pain of love. The beautiful, pure, amazing gift we have. In dying to ourselves to love others, we become more like Christ. wowza.

Back porches produce really awesome heart to hearts.

I'm realizing that I can run on about 3 hours of sleep consistently and not even die all the way.

My jaw was sore when I woke up, and I think it's from chewing gum too much. I might have a problem.

My sister Annie is in town and we're hanging out tonight annnnd it makes me happy, like a little kid on christmas.

Yesterday, it was gorgeous outside. At first, I thought it was gonna be chilly. But you that kind of day when you're so used to it being cold outside that you don't have much hope that it's going to be warm when you step out the door, but then when you do, you're just ahhh. You let the sun hit you for a second and you start to feel all fuzzy and glowy because you've been deprived of warmth for so long, and in that second your mood does a 180 and your whole day gets better? You see the sky more clearly, it looks way more blue than usual, you hear the birdies, you want to smile at everyone even if you realize you look weird? Yeah, it was that kind of day yesterday. It was rad.

I love my mother.

My little eighth grade brother joseph g-chatted me last night, and he was using aim lingo like "g2g" and "ikr" and "lol." WHAT? He was five years old like two seconds ago. And not he's using acronyms. What in the world.

I really miss my friends from home, my Indiana friends. I love them.

I really wanna play hopscotch right now. And jumprope. And play with sidewalk chalk and be barefoot and climb a tree and be a little kid. I'm sick of this whole being an adult business. I'm tired of scheduling advising meetings and building class schedules and taking test after test after test and feeling like I'm not getting anywhere and being so unsure all the time if this is really what I want to be doing. I just want to fly a kite for a while. That would probably fix my worries.

No, you know what sounds abbbbsolutely wonderful? A summer night, cloudless and breezy warm. On the side of a country road, lying back on the hood of my car just looking at the stars. I miss that, so much. It sounds sappy and fake, but I actually do this stuff, people, it's awesome so you should proobably try it. For real, it will change your life.

Alright well this has been a long post and my eyes hurt.
I'm trying not to be discouraged or restless. God knows the plans he has for me, and none of it is bad. That's nice to think about.

i burn to be alive.

i think i need a fire,
exploding concrete under my feet
because i'm stuck here, breathless
and feeling empty.

shoot them, shards of
piercing glass, ivory or ebony,
impress them on my eyes
to reverse my chaotic sight.

there would be a silent simplicity,
easy contemplation
brought by the vivid black and white.

batter me, dent my sides,
bruise my knees, kick me into
revolutionized perspective.

it's not supposed to be easy,
i want this to ignite my being
and give me new reasons to keep
stepping forward.

dust is pooling under my shoes
so hurricane, pull me up and
freefall me to somewhere unknown.

i'm terrified, but i burn to be alive.

make the gravel leap under me,
press the trees into the street
and make the sky my sidewalk.

let me breathe in a volcano,
i'll exhale clarity, a wrung-out world
where swirling sand becomes a
soulbreaking rainstorm
and my heart beats in time with
the rhythm of unfettered thunderclaps.

Give me freedom.

Free fallin.
I feel like sleep has fallen off of my priority list.
But you know? It's Thursday. 8:40am on Thursday morning and I'm deciding not to stress about the quiz and presentation I have in 5 minutes and instead, I'm writing down my feelings. Because it's what brings me back to square one, reality, my non-freak out zone.
The birds were singing loud this morning.
The sky is crystal blue and sharp like the air.
It's cold but it still holds a lingering promise that spring will be here soon.
I hear people around me in this cafe speaking like 4 different languages, and it's kinda cool.
I'm having a good hair day and despite that fact that my stomach kills, I'm wearing flip flips and my toes are painted a shade of blue that reminds me of mermaids. I don't know why it reminds me of mermaids, but it does.

I wanna let go today, be free and unfettered and alive.
God, take me there. Remove my anxieties. Today is yours.Today is mine to make Yours.
It's so beautiful, this life.
I'm going to go ace my quiz and improv through my presentation. And it's going to be awesome.

Hodge-Podge.

Lately, I've been tired. Really, really tired. Like usually I can snap out of it and fake it till I make it but maaan oh man, I'm TIRED. It's like all these things in my life that were in the back of my brain hibernating just all decided to wake up at once and surprise me. Now its like... if you were to shut yourself in a room that had a bunch of windows that were all open and people were standing outside and throwing beanie babies at you, repeatedly from all directions and yelling at you to name each one of them but you're too busy being preoccupied with slapping away the persistent shower of beanie babies being thrown at you... that's how I feel. TOO MANY BEANIE BABIES.

On the flipside, it was/is sunny out today. I got out of my lab a little bit early today, so I sat outside for a while and looked at the clouds, got some coffee, called my mom, then smoked some hookah at a picnic table with the cool kids. That was nice.

I had a psychology midterm this morning and it was kiinda ridiculous. It was open book, open note, annnnd open laptop. So studying seemed a little bit frivolous. And I mean, you can look up everything online.. which I did. But it kinda took a while, so when my professor announced that I had 15 minutes left and I had two essay questions to do, you better believe that I was sweating up a storm to finish that business. I did, though. I'm pretty sure I did well. Hooahh.

Chelsea makes me laugh.

I have an odd fear of working my front desk at work. It's like, when I'm in the back on the phones, I'm not face to face with the people I'm helping, but then when you're at the front desk, BOOM, you're tellin people to fill out papers and booking appointments and it gets REAL. Kinda scary.

I need to sleep more. I'm running on adrenaline and coffee and cheerios. Helloo Tuesday.

Today, the redbull car passed by. I got REALLY happy, because a redbull sounded pretty dang nice. So I chased it with a couple friends, waited for it to park, stood around, then the redbull girl opened her window and said they weren't giving out samples today. I was actually a little bit heartbroken. That car is such a tease, it got my hopes up. LAAAME.

My oh myyyy I need a sunset. And probably some stars after that.

My dad is such a winner. He filled out all of my financial aid stuff online and on time. I don't know what I'd do without him. I love him and miss him so much. I just really, really do.

Yooo happy mardi gras! Otherwise known as fat tuesday. I've always hated that name. FAT TUESDAY. Maybe it's because I really don't like tuesdays in general because they're just dumb days that are stuck at the beginning of the week and taunt you because friday is still really far away. And then to add "fat" to "tuesday" just makes it sound even less appealing. I prefer Mardi Gras. Or "free-pancakes-at-ihop-day." Does this mean lent starts tomorrow? Ooof what to give up..

I think Valerie is a soul-soldier. That sounds weird, but I think she is. She has so much on her heart all the time because that's how she lives-- she just takes normal stuff and things people may think are insignificant and she thinks about them and wrestles with them and just cares, truly, madly, deeply, about SO much. It's her natural self to be that way, but since not a lot of people are, it's tough to be understood sometimes. But she lives so well. Beautifully, in fact. Valerie, you KNOW how to live beautifully. That is SO cool.

I miss Katie Anne and Renee.

There's a sharpie next to me and I miiiight doodle on myself with it.
I think I'm addicted to gum.
Carpe Diem. Trying, trying.
I'm having a really WEIRD hair day.
You know you room is a mess when you pick up an umbrella off the floor and there are various articles of clothes hanging on it.
I have a headache. Go away.
Gracie just called me a "certified hick." Is it weird that I take that as a compliment?
Anatomy & Physiology is hacking away at my soul.
I get to see my sister and some cousins on friday. Im excited :]
It's supposed to be 60 and sunny tomorrow. I want to wear a dress. But I don't have one.
I have come to the realization that I've been almost a year in college and I still have never had easy mac or ramen noodles. or cup o' noodles.
Chocolate milk let me down yesterday. I didn't even know that was possible.
45 minutes until run time. My general running speed on the treadmill now is at like 7.8. I feel kind of accomplished.


Ashaunte is cute because she writes lovenotes on my mirror. I wanna put her in my pocket and keep her forever.

I WANT TO TIE-DYE SOOOOO BAD.

I really wish people played more acoustic guitar here. There is a serious lack of sing-a-long jamming on this campus. It makes me miss Jake Maz all the time.
Jake! Let's go to Champagne Island?

I'm just rambling now.
Overall, it's a good day. And it's going to end with free pancakes. I'm okay with that.
Salty wind, sand in my toes, warm nights with the sky exploding with stars, seeing the spotlight from the boardwalk down the beach, running along the beach, feeling the sting of summer on my skin. That's what's on my mind. Take me there.

Blustery Day

it's finally friday!!!!! freedom friday.

i feel deep today. is that weird? I just want to write intelligent poetry and read big books and write notes in the margins and have philosophical conversations. Yeah, okay definitely weird.

I had a funfetti cupcake for breakfast. Valerie Carnevale's middle name should be "im-the-most-amazing-person-ever-because-i-do-stuff-that-makes-mary's-life-on-a-daily-basis." She mailed me an ADORABLE, construction paper-covered package containing HOMEMADE funfetti cupcakes, BEEF JERKEY [she's my hero], fruit snacks and a whole buncha love. I don't deserve her. You know, I have the best conversations with her. I always have epiphanies about life when we talk. It's pretty cool. I kiiinda dig it.

It's a blustery, winnie-the-pooh kind of day outside. The sun is toootally playing hard to get and its SO windy. I don't even have to try and whip my hair back and forth with this business going on outside, it does it by itself.

I felt like mixing it up today, so I put half and half in my coffee.
Is it pathetic that that's my idea of mixing it up? Golly.

Anatomy & Physiology miight just be the death of me someday.

Emily Robinson is the bomb. She drew me a picture. With colored pencils. And wrote me a note. Emily writes her notes in cursive... she is SO rad. I don't even think I remember how to write in cursive. I like her, soo much.

Ooo the sun is setting right now, and it's peeking through the clouds and its making a gorgeous orange-pink glow on the roof of a building out my window. I have a thing for sunsets. It's prolly my favorite time of day, just because there is absolutely nothing better to do in my mind than to just sit and LOOK at it until it sets all the way. Ever notice how fast the sun goes down? The sky changes like every second, it's pretty nifty.
That's something I like about myself, I think. I'm good at noticing stuff and appreciating it. Especially when it comes to nature. Like, I'm completely happy to just SIT outside and do nothing but feel the sun or watch the stars. Easy to please, so grateful for the earth im on. Life is pretty sweet, we get so many freebies. STARS? I mean, come on. They're such a cool party favor.

I need to start documenting my life in photos. And printing them out and making scrapbooks. I want to freeze some of my memories these days and be able to go back to them later. Life is so good.

Im aching for summertime. I want warm wind and open windows and open roads and driving in the middle of nowhere and sitting on my roof looking at the stars between the trees and having midnight walks and mowing the lawn barefoot and then realizing it makes my feet green. I miss summer. I miss having a season that's devoted to chilling out. that's so awesome. sometimes i wish we lived in like, mexico or spain... they have a like 3 hour chunk in the middle of the day to SIESTA. that is so. awesome.

Imma go have a Mary siesta. Today, im deciding life should be free & easy.
Letting go.

Happy weekend.

Every crack in the sidewalk is an opportunity for a dandelion to pop up.

Sometimes it baffles me on days like today, when the sky is grey and dreary and everywhere is soggy and snow-sopped, when you get 4 hours of sleep and are on your second cup of bad coffee, i can still be smiling. I was walking to work today and someone had wrote on the sidewalk "pay it forward." I smiled. That's so cool that someone would just do that, with sidewalk chalk. I want sidewalk chalk! It felt like the world gave me a little hug. I wanted to smile at the next stranger who walked by, just so they'd smile at the next person who walked by them. Pay it forward is such a cool thing. What goes around comes around, people.

It's crazy how God works sometimes. He puts people in your life who mirror your own struggles and thoughts in life and by interacting with them, you begin to examine yourself. I've had a lot of that lately. I can think of at least three people/instances where I've kind of been blown off my feet and left, figuratively, sitting on the ground, looking at my shoes, peeling apart different aspects of myself and trying to understand them. Being able to have people who can actually RELATE to you and your mentality and experiences is, I think, a really rare thing. It's beautiful too. I'm so grateful to have people in my life who I can open up to and who can open up to me as well. Reality check alllll over the place. It's good for me.

It was in the mid 70s on friday, and last night, it rained ice. WHADDAHECK?

So last night, I was up doing three lab reports that were due today. It was about 1:45am and I still had a ways to go and I was SO tired. I hadn't had caffeine that day and I had a killer headache and I was feeling really pleh. So I decided to get a soda from the vending machine. I never drink soda, I don't even like it that much. But in my desperation, I ventured to the vending machine with my $1.50 to get one. I tried putting my dollar in the machine and it wouldn't go. I was upset. Then I counted up my change and I was 15 cents short of a buck fifty. That was cool. Then I went to another vending machine and tada! It took my dollar! Then I started putting my change in. It didn't take my change. WAHH. So then I pushed the change return button and got my dollar back IN NICKELS. That was cool. Then I proceeded to the first vending machine I tried and, wouldn't ya know it, it wouldn't take change either. That put a big fat grin on my face. I was determined to overcome this conquest to find a working vending machine, I worked too hard to stop now. Soooo I had to go up two floors and hunt down a vending machine in one of the dorm halls. I got weird looks for paying $1.50 in nickels for my diet dr. pepper. I liked it.
And me and my homework lived happily ever after alongside the stupid, stupid not even that yummy dr. pepper.

I love talking to my mommy on the phone when I'm sitting outside on gloomy days.

I think Emily Robinson is the bomb dot com. Why do you ask?
Beeeecause she is an astounding multi-tasker while driving [don't try it at home.]
And she have a dazzling sense of humor. [She laughs with me at old people stumbling on the metro]She pulls off everything she wears. [Yes, Em, even your party glasses.]And she's pretty much just the most beautiful, sparkly, amazing friend ever. I love you, Lemmy.

I love baby Jaime. Every inch of that cute little Indian girl is nothing but a bundle of joy. [For those of you who don't know, Baby Jaime is actually my 19 year old classmate, we just call her baby Jaime because she's fun sized] Tuesdays are my all-day-with-Jaime days. I love laughing with her at our raaandom psychology videos and at our crazy anatomy professor and dissecting our Infamous p.i.g. with her. She's great. I love Jaime.

Emily Dober is the stiletto to my high heels, the -izza to my pizza. I lufff her. And her many faces.

Hey, Chelsea? Spanks for calling me today :) And I'm sorry I bailed on our study date last night, I'm a baaad boyfriend.

VALERIE, let's run away and build a treehouse and always be barefoot and sit on porch swings eating party pops till we have popsicle smiles and talk about life and its crazyness and how we love every second of it. I wish you were here.

I hung out with Dillon on Sunday!!! Such a good catch up time, I missed him. We went to Chevys and I ate his shrimp and we swapped ridiculous stories and met a just-turned-18-so-i'm-really-excited-to-offer-people-lighters-because-i-can-smoke-legally-now guy on the street. Apparently the only words in his vocabulary were "um, I mean.."
It was funny.
Dillon told him that he was a husky breeder and that he was born and raised in Ohio but aspires to move to North Dakota because, in North Dakota, huskies are abundant.
It was a good day.

I also hung out with Becca this past weekend! That was so fun, I love Beccatime. We laughed and talked and played trivial pursuit and I was baffled by her inside jokes with her friends. It was a good night.

I'm at work right now, and about 2 minutes ago, literally every phone in the room was ringing and I was the only on in here, so I felt like I was in one of those old-time tv shows where they showed the one person like tangled in phone cords and telling like 6 people to hold and is talking on two phones at once. That was mee.

I love having friends abundant.

Sometimes I want to write poetry SO bad, but I have nothing to write ABOUT. I just get random strings of words in my head that sound incredible, but I forget to write them down. It makes me sad. But hey, maybe I'll write a poem today.

When the day is done, I'm going to kick up my feet, clad in fuzzy slippers of course, wear comfy, unflattering clothes, hunt down some chocolate milk, and smile. Because today is new, every minute is a new one to be the freshest, cleanest, brand-newest you you can be. Maybe that should be my challenge. I want to be new every minute, take what I see and use it, all of it, to be the best I can be. Frustrations are part of it. I'm not going to be skippity, happy-go-lucky every second of my life, that's just kinda gross. But I can choose to take my struggles with inward joy because I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Every pothole you run over is just a reminder to get new struts, yeah? I think so.
Every crack in the sidewalk is an opportunity for a dandelion to pop up.
I think that I'll make that my post title.
Happy Tuesday, everyone.

I can feel the sting of summer on my skin

I think I have cumulatively spent about 3 hours in the sun today. 3!!!! Because today is absolutely, incredibly perfect. It's not cold. At all. Not even when the wind blows. I was HOT sitting in the sunshine at 11am. THANK YOU GOD. I started off my day well. After I got back from my 8:45 in Ballston [the other campus that you have to take a shuttle to], I sat outside the student center for two hours studying for my american lit exam. It was not only productive studytime, I think I got some new freckles too :)

My test was really really long, but overall, I think I actually kinda owned it. It's all gonna depend on my my professor grades it though... mmmrh.

I left my theology class like 35 mins early today 'cause i felt sicky. My head was really light and spinny and i just felt pleh. So I went and sat on a picnic bench and drank a power-c machine naked juice, and all was right with the world. Then I ran into my theology professor. That wasn't awkward.

I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC. Especially on days like this. I can't get enough of the sound and feel of sunshine. That's what good country is, you know. The sound of sunshine. Gravel roads, feet on the dashboard, windows down, feet hanging off the end of a pier sunshine. I miss days like this. So alive.

I love that Jaime said I was awesome Today. Twice.
I love that Chelsea just walked in with wet hair and I got a text from her like 3 mins ago telling me to tell everyone in the office that "she's on her way!"
I love that I wore a skirt, tank top, and flip flops today and was completely comfortable the whole day because it's so warm out.
I love that I laid down in the middle of a parkinglot barefoot.
I love that I have friends who want to give me slurpies and bites of their chicken quesadillas.
I love that people were playing pickup soccer on the practice field today.
I love that I talked to my mom today.
I love that instead of listening to my history lecture, I wrote Becca a letter.
I love that I'm wearing the purse thresee gave me and it has a huge owl in front that reminds me of valerie.
I love that Im about to go to a choral concert and be recorded on tv and I've literally read through the music twice. Helooo improv.
I love that my bracelet says carpe diem.

I like life today. You know the song "anything but mine" by kenny chesney? It's in my head, and it reminds me of summertime on the beach at sunset and I want to be back there soooo badly. I love the smell of the beach, when the hot day is over and the leftover haze of hot, salty air is still leftover and it fades to a taste in your mouth and nose.I miss sand being everywhere, even though it's irritating. I miss coming inside to the blasting air conditioning and sitting down on a sofa and still feel the sun sinking in my skin. I miss summertime, the lazy days, the runs when the sun is coming up. Mmmm give me a sunrise run on the gulf. Sounds so nice.

Like I said earlier, I have to leave work in like ten minutes to go sing for the choir that I spontaneously joined hahaha. We're going to the national shrine and recording music for two masses. I have only rehearsed with them ONCE. This will be ridiculously adventurous. I'm down to dabble.

It's a beautiful day, don't let it get away. I think I may have gotten a little sun on my cheeks, just God's reminder that he loves me and spring is on its way. Take off your shoes, wear tour tshirt inside out, snap your gum, sing while you walk in public. Don't lose today, it's the only February 17th 2011 you'll ever have. EVER.
I'm such a drama queen.

series of [un]fortunate events.

i just really really burned my tongue on my coffee. i don't think ill be able to taste anything for a week.

today has been the weirdest, most frustrating yet strangely half-productive day.

it was beauuuutfil outside today. it actually felt like spring. 60 degrees and blissfully sunny. obviously, amaaazing running weather. so i ran, i ran a difficult, hilly, good route. when i got back, i freaked out because my student ID, which i'd put in my pocket at the beginning of my run, was GONE. So, i re-traced my steps. Ran the whole route over again, looking for my ID that dropped. I never found it. I was soo upset. I was locked out of my room also, so I was not the happiest of campers. After I got a resident life person to unlock my door [which is a five dollar charge on my student account], i showered real fast and ended up being an hour late for work. Bueno. Then, since I assumed the hunt for my ID to be hopeless, I proceeded to go the ID office to get a new student ID made. [Without an ID, you can't scan up in elevators to your room, and you can't eat.] It is a $30 charge on your student account for a new ID. That's so. much. money. That I don't have. I was grumpy.
So fast forward one hour and Im in line for dinner, and my friend walks up behind me and was like "oh hey feeks, you'll never guess what I found!"

yeah.

he found my ID.

at the beginning of where I started retracing my route.

WHAT. THE. HECK.

He musta picked it up while I was on round one of my running escapade, so when i went back to look for it, it wasn't there.

Long story short, I wasted $35 dollars today. And that puts a frowny on my face.

In other news, I have a huge american lit II test tomorrow that im not by anyy means ready for. I have choir practice in an hour, not very much sleep, a burnt tongue, owwy knees from my unexpected 5 mile run full of hills, AND it's steaming hot in this libary. I might lose it. But im trying not to.

positives:
i'm wearing flip flops.
liz and nick stuck with me when i was stranded out of my room.
someone told me that my toenail polish reminded them of the little mermaid. win.
it's hump day.
im not sick.
i got extra exercise today.
the night is young.

Im in a weird mood, im trying not to be discouraged, it's just one of those days that you have to push out of your mind and move on with the next thing, but im totally beating myself up about the whole ID thing. boooo.

but om going to smile at the next person who walks by, im going to study all night and get prepared for this exam. Im going to be positive. positive pete.

jqnwdkjnfkjsdlkfcls

okay, peace out. I hope your day was sunshiney and "adventurous" like mine.

Summertime on my mind.

Summertime is on my mind. I went running outside yesterday and I just got a flood of "i want summertime back"-ness. Don't get me wrong-- it was a GORGEOUS day and I had a really good run, but I missed being warm. I hate when my body can't decide if it wants to be hot or cold when Im running. I hate when the back of my neck is freeezing because of the wind. I miss the burning of the sun on my face and the fact that the sweat dripping down my temples actually cooled me off instead of making me freeze. I those long runs in the afternoon when it's so hot that the sweat on your face is tangibly salty. That actually sounds so gross. I think you have to run to understand. I wanna run around in bare feet and put on my ankle bracelets again and have freckles on my nose again. I miss having freckles all the time.

Im writing a paper of theology right now on the issue of justifying suffering in the world while a good God exists. The prollem is that our professor doesnt want any of our original ideas. She just wants us to outline other theologians arguments. LAME. I feel like I can't fill 4 pages by summarizing. I miss originality. I feel like Ive written like 8 papers on this topic before and ive thought about it so much, I'm kind of bursting with things to say about this. Bah humbug. Maybe ill write a book. A very ADD book that will probably have a table of contents that looks like this:

1. Why does God allow people to suffer?
2. How to make the best ti-dye
3. Running actually IS psychological
4. I didn't sleep but I feel great
5. I could probably survive in the wilderness with nothing but matches, chapstick and toilet paper. [and beef jerkey if you're feeling like a gem and wanna gimme some]
6. I'm a college student and I have a bookshelf devoted to coloring books.
7. Deep awesome conversations that make my life worth living.

It would be an enlightening read.

WOO im so excited. So im sitting in the commuter's lounge near the bottom lobby of my building and there's a piano in here and there was a choir rehearsal, and I was like ohh man, i mss singing! So muchhh. So after they were done doing their thing, I went up to the director and was like "oh heyyy, if you're lookin for another alto, I'd be really interested!" And she was like "uhhh yes!" and basically threw me a binder of music. Im so happy!! I missed choir soo so much. That just made my day. Yayy. Okay, new thing to be excited about. Imma go kill this paper. Prolly not sleep. Do summore homework, then fly through my monday with a smile.
to infinity.

Kite flying Thursday. Hey, I can at least pretend it's warm outside.

I went on a walk today. I never go on walks anymore. The sunshine is so warm today, even though the wind is really cold. After my morning class, which I had an exam in and totally rocked it, I got back to my room, looked out the window and just had to be outside. You know, when you give yourself the time to just walk alone, you have some pretty awesome thoughts. God is so there. I saw him in the piercing sky through the tangled trees and felt him in the air even though it stung my nose when I breathed. He's everywhere today.

I'm so blessed by conversations. I've had two amazing ones in the past two days and I'm just bakshlkj so grateful to be alive. The other day I was having a deep one with Valerie. We were talking about how, even though we're trying to do what we should and follow God and trust him, it gets so hard sometimes because isolation sets in, and sometimes no one understand you. Valerie shared one of her reflections with me, and I keep thinking about it.
"Just go step by step. My will shall be revealed to you as you go. You will never cease to be thankful for this time when you felt at peace and trustful, and yet had no human security. This is the time of true learning of trust in me. 'When your mother and father foresake you, then the Lord will take you up,' this is a literal dependence on me. When any human support or material help of any kind is removed, then my power can become operative. I cannot teach a man to walk who is trusting to a crutch. Away with your crutch, and my power shall so invigorate you that you shall indeed walk on to victory. Never limit my power. It is LIMITLESS." Those are the ways God speaks to us best. To our hearts and our souls. Through good beers and better conversations, cigarette buzzes and ridiculous laughter. He meets us where we are, wherever we are. It's so beautiful.
WOW. Okay, so what I needed to hear!! Away with your crutch! That's trust, it's blind, blatant, complete trust in God. Walking towards him, even if you're blinded by dumb distractions. It doesn't matter what they are. School, work, boys, friends, drama, insecurities, bad habits, doesn't matter. Drop your crutch. Stop worrying. Fall into step towards the greatest victory in the world, the greatest thing in life, a relationship with the Father. It's not easy, we have so many things constantly nagging us, making it seem like God should be put on a list or priorities, something alongside buying groceries or running a carpool. But we can't put God on a list!! Let him come to you. How you are, right now. In the most perfect ways, in the most normal situations, God can reveal himself. He'll show up on your back porch and ask for a drag of your cowboy killer. He'll steal your french fries when you're not looking, and he'll listen to everything. Let him in.

Again, my mind was blown today when I was talking to Dillon. He astounds me. He said "God is God. He will catch you no matter how fast you run, and once you sit down after the race, it's amazing. Find strength in God." Then he gave me the best scripture quote EVER.
“And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Fear the Lord your God and serve Him. Hold fast to Him and take your oaths in His name. He is your praise; He is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes.”
- Deuteronomy 10:12 ; 20-21

I want to lay it all down, I want to be all for God. In my prayer time today, I just kept thinking, God I want to be YOURS, I want everything I do to be for you. I'm working on it, I want to give up the race, I want to sit down with God and find my strength in him.


I got a baby package in the mail from my mom and dad today. Inside was lipgloss, hand warmers, and a picture I cut out of a magazine of a ridiculously attractive man. My mom sent me my magazine cutout of a hottie. I think I win coolest mom EVER award. My dad stuck a note in the package that made me cry too. I miss my daddy so much.

My American Lit professor makes the FUNNIEST faces.
It took me far too long to fall asleep last night. Pleh.
I have a babysitting job on friday night! Yay little kids! and untaxed moneys! wohoo.
I'd love to fly a kite today.

Today I'm grateful for warm sunshine and the guy who held the door open for me for a really really long time because i was still like ten paces from the doorway. Thanks for the chivalry hahaha. I'm grateful for safeway peach iced tea packets that I can just pop into my water bottle for instant pizzazz. I'm grateful for clean laundry, even though Im pretty sure someone stole a pair of my jeans when they were switching the laundry... can I have 'em back pleeease? I'm grateful for organized drawers and the cool ring I got for $2. Im grateful for the coat Thresee gave me and for the fact that it's 3:50 and I haven't yawned more than 5 times today.

It's time to go to work.
Happy Thursday. Throw away your crutch. Live purposefully, breathe deliberately, and trust God, he kinda knows what he's doing.
I'm alive today, so alive.