I went on a walk today. I never go on walks anymore. The sunshine is so warm today, even though the wind is really cold. After my morning class, which I had an exam in and totally rocked it, I got back to my room, looked out the window and just had to be outside. You know, when you give yourself the time to just walk alone, you have some pretty awesome thoughts. God is so there. I saw him in the piercing sky through the tangled trees and felt him in the air even though it stung my nose when I breathed. He's everywhere today.
I'm so blessed by conversations. I've had two amazing ones in the past two days and I'm just bakshlkj so grateful to be alive. The other day I was having a deep one with Valerie. We were talking about how, even though we're trying to do what we should and follow God and trust him, it gets so hard sometimes because isolation sets in, and sometimes no one understand you. Valerie shared one of her reflections with me, and I keep thinking about it.
"Just go step by step. My will shall be revealed to you as you go. You will never cease to be thankful for this time when you felt at peace and trustful, and yet had no human security. This is the time of true learning of trust in me. 'When your mother and father foresake you, then the Lord will take you up,' this is a literal dependence on me. When any human support or material help of any kind is removed, then my power can become operative. I cannot teach a man to walk who is trusting to a crutch. Away with your crutch, and my power shall so invigorate you that you shall indeed walk on to victory. Never limit my power. It is LIMITLESS." Those are the ways God speaks to us best. To our hearts and our souls. Through good beers and better conversations, cigarette buzzes and ridiculous laughter. He meets us where we are, wherever we are. It's so beautiful.
WOW. Okay, so what I needed to hear!! Away with your crutch! That's trust, it's blind, blatant, complete trust in God. Walking towards him, even if you're blinded by dumb distractions. It doesn't matter what they are. School, work, boys, friends, drama, insecurities, bad habits, doesn't matter. Drop your crutch. Stop worrying. Fall into step towards the greatest victory in the world, the greatest thing in life, a relationship with the Father. It's not easy, we have so many things constantly nagging us, making it seem like God should be put on a list or priorities, something alongside buying groceries or running a carpool. But we can't put God on a list!! Let him come to you. How you are, right now. In the most perfect ways, in the most normal situations, God can reveal himself. He'll show up on your back porch and ask for a drag of your cowboy killer. He'll steal your french fries when you're not looking, and he'll listen to everything. Let him in.
Again, my mind was blown today when I was talking to Dillon. He astounds me. He said "God is God. He will catch you no matter how fast you run, and once you sit down after the race, it's amazing. Find strength in God." Then he gave me the best scripture quote EVER.
“And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul. Fear the Lord your God and serve Him. Hold fast to Him and take your oaths in His name. He is your praise; He is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes.”
- Deuteronomy 10:12 ; 20-21
I want to lay it all down, I want to be all for God. In my prayer time today, I just kept thinking, God I want to be YOURS, I want everything I do to be for you. I'm working on it, I want to give up the race, I want to sit down with God and find my strength in him.
I got a baby package in the mail from my mom and dad today. Inside was lipgloss, hand warmers, and a picture I cut out of a magazine of a ridiculously attractive man. My mom sent me my magazine cutout of a hottie. I think I win coolest mom EVER award. My dad stuck a note in the package that made me cry too. I miss my daddy so much.
My American Lit professor makes the FUNNIEST faces.
It took me far too long to fall asleep last night. Pleh.
I have a babysitting job on friday night! Yay little kids! and untaxed moneys! wohoo.
I'd love to fly a kite today.
Today I'm grateful for warm sunshine and the guy who held the door open for me for a really really long time because i was still like ten paces from the doorway. Thanks for the chivalry hahaha. I'm grateful for safeway peach iced tea packets that I can just pop into my water bottle for instant pizzazz. I'm grateful for clean laundry, even though Im pretty sure someone stole a pair of my jeans when they were switching the laundry... can I have 'em back pleeease? I'm grateful for organized drawers and the cool ring I got for $2. Im grateful for the coat Thresee gave me and for the fact that it's 3:50 and I haven't yawned more than 5 times today.
It's time to go to work.
Happy Thursday. Throw away your crutch. Live purposefully, breathe deliberately, and trust God, he kinda knows what he's doing.
I'm alive today, so alive.
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