I got to spend my weekend with the only and only super-Valerie Carnevale. She astounds me sometimes. She is always go-go-go, doing so much for other people all the time. I have dubbed her the serial babysitter because she babysits ALL THE TIME but it's always for different people. What a champion. Despite her crazy, never-ending to-do lists and work projects, she somehow always finds time to be a thinker. That sounds weird, but it's such a rare thing. Think about it, most times we get so wrapped up in life and work and social lives and drama and everything else in this crazy world that we forget to stop and reflect and think and get back to the simple stuff. The stuff that makes us who we are, the reasons why we are here and the causes and effects of our thoughts and actions. A lot of the time I get frustrated with myself because I think I might spend more time being a thinker than being a doer. Val has a good balance, I admire her so much for that.
Did you know that 36,000 people in the United States quit their jobs and maxed out their visa cards because the world was supposed to end on Saturday? They hate themselves now.
I spent the day with Annie yesterday in Bloomington! We talked and window shopped and people watched and had a great time. We also went out to lunch with Jonathan which was hilarious. I learned the "shimmy-changa" [since, as we all know, if you don't know what a chimichanga is, you simply declare that it sounds like "shimmy" changa and turn it into a dance that can only be done while sitting in a Mexican restaurant..]. Entertaining, fun, happy. Annie has round 1 of her CPA exams today, pray for her!! That test is a beast, it won't be very nice.
I don't really feel rooted right now. I can't really explain it, but I just constantly feel like I'm going through the motions, constantly faking it till I make it because I'm not joyful, at all. This isn't a pity story or a sob session, it's just flat out reality-- I feel like something's missing. Normally, I can go through the day with a smile just because I'm alive but right now, I feel like I'm forcing everything. I feel really suffocated but I don't know why or what's causing it. I know I need more prayer in my life, that definitely should be my first step. It's so easy to let ourselves forget that God is the ultimate knower. He knows EVERYTHING about you. The good things and the bad, the things that make you happy and the things you're ashamed of. He also loves you, to an inexplicable, beyond understanding, astonishing level. We cannot even comprehend his love. He let his son DIE, watched him be nailed to a cross and suffer for OUR sins. Us, human beings, the ones who spend all our savings and quit our jobs because we think the world is ending. The ones who screw up chronically, every day, who are flawed. But he loves us, beyond all of our mistakes and regrets. That is enough. It should always be enough for us. His love is the beginning and the end. In him, we are FREE. Completely free and able to be who we were MEANT to be. His sons and daughters, living in love because His love is why we exist. I want to give it all to Him-- My free-falling feelings, my loneliness, my anxieties, my fears & my doubts. He makes them irrelevant, outshines them with his unrelenting grace. I need to let Him in, I want to let him in. I want to let him take the steering wheel, because I feel like I'm swerving into a lane of oncoming traffic, always coming too close to a collision. He's the best driver around. I'll let him take the wheel, let him take me through the back roads, the ones that I've fought and ignored, I'll sit and talk with him as we take the scenic route. I wanna let him in. I want to roll down the windows and feel my soul light as air because I can feel the sun kiss my face and the wind tangle my hair. It's all so beautiful, a life with God beside you. I'm gonna let him in.
I'm gonna be free today, I'll read some C.S. Lewis, go on a run, talk to Jesus and get right with my soul.
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