Choose it.

Alright. So here's the deal. I'm tired. I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of losing time in this amazing, precious life by being a frustrated person. Because I am. I am perpetually frustrated with myself, obsessed with my shortcomings and imperfections. I don't know if it's obvious or not, but I do, I struggle. But tonight, after a pour-out-your-soul conversation with my incredible friend Valerie, I realized it. I'm not choosing to be free. Because that's what freedom is. It's a choice. My mind is preoccupied with things that are completely not worth being preoccupied by because
1) most of my preoccupations are irrational and lies to myself
2) i worry way too much about stuff that will ultimately work itself out with time
3) i'm wasting my time by not being joyful and free.

I think that to truly live, you have to take joy in simplicity and realize the freedom in being able to breath every second of your life. I don't need more than what I'm already given-- I am active and mostly healthy [working on that], I have a wonderful, to-die-for family, absolutely incredible friends, and miles of opportunity at my fingertips. So it's nothing but go go go now. Enough talking. Enough worrying. Enough nonsense. Enough wasted time. I'm ready to beat this. I'm ready to choose to be free.

I'm going to take slower steps. I'm going to watch the sun go down every once in a while. I used to do that all the time. I'm going to read books. For fun. I'm going t color a picture. I'm going to sing more, laugh more, and write more letters. I'm going to be more grateful. I'm going to work out my mental muscles, working every day on my choice to be free. In the wise words of Miss Valerie, I'm gettin swole. It's happening, people. This girl's got love and joy and a whole lot of life to live. I'm going to stop wasting it.

I have also been reaaaalllly tough on myself lately. Like, really. A lot. To a point where it kind of dictates the way I go about my day and think about stuff. It's selfish and wrong. Soooooo I have decided to list ten things I love about myself. Not so that I can brag or sound self-absorbed, but actually so I can start to love myself more. Because at this point, I'm kind of at the other end of the spectrum. So here goes:

- I like that my hair is curly, it's low maintenance.
- I'm book smart. I bet I know more about Heigel and Dostoevsky and Locke than you do!
- I have a good vocabulary
- I don't have the best sense of direction, but I have friends who always rescue me.
- I'm reallllyyy good at making campfires
- I have a crazy eye. It creates conversations.
- I have an okay singing voice, and I have no prollem jammin out along with mah musics.
- I'm a decent writer.
- I have pretty straight teeth.
- I stay hydrated.
- about 84% of the time, I don't care what people think of me. In the best sense of the concept.
- I'm good at making friends.
- I'm a good listener.

that was more than ten wasn't it?

Okeee folks, that's enough for me at the moment. I know it was random, but hey, I feel a lil better.

I'm off to finish studying for Anatomy, drink some of my half-warm tea [it is FREEZING in my dorm room, and my tea stayed hot for all of like 2 minutes], and hopefully sleep like a baybeh. Goodnight moon. I actually read that book tonight. And you wonder why I love my life sometimes :)