God is bigger than all of my problems

Have you ever felt like, no matter how much you try and push it out of your brain, there's a little annoying voice that is persistent in trying to convince you to give up? Doesn't matter if it's during a run or while you're writing a paper or even just struggling to keep a smile on your face for a day. Sometimes it's just so. exhausting.
I've kind of felt like that this week. I'm not sure why. I've gotten into a really good routine-- I go to the gym or run outside every day, I do my homework, my room has stayed moderately clean, and my laundry is done. Miraculous. But I feel hollow and unrested for some reason. The smallest things just GET to me, and I haven't been able to put my finger on it until today.
I was talking to Valpal, and she put it so simply that it took me a while to unfold and really let it hit me. She said, "It's just satan, really. He loses, though, gotta remember that. Love wins. I need to start finding love again in my every day life, because it's there. We gotta open our eyes." Okay... WOAH. Slap in the face. This girl is amazing, she always gets me and always tells me exactly what I need to hear.

This ache inside me, this emptiness despite the craziness of my days and the dense schedule I have is a complete lack of JOY. I'm paying too much attention on logistical stuff and not focusing on what is ultimately the most important, which is to love. Love your professors even though they pile the work on you, they're working just as hard, trust me. Be grateful for the struggle, because without it, how can you fully appreciate freedom? Love the rain and the snow and the sleet and the puddles that get your shoes sopping wet. They make the sunshine way more awesome and the warmth a thousand times more fuzzy. Love the burning and ache of your muscles after a workout, it means you're getting stronger. Love the difficult conversations. The necessary and miserable ones. Because in opening up to someone and letting them know the truth about something or calling them out on something that you know is a problem, you are not only giving yourself a reality check, you're opening someone else's eyes to a new perspective.

I've felt lately that I'm afraid to confront myself. I'm afraid to let go of the vicegrip that I've tried to maintain on my life. I'm starting to understand though that letting God take the steering wheel is one of the most important things to DECIDE. Because it is, it's a decision. God gives us the option to take our lives wherever we want them to go. He loves us despite the circumstances. But being able to let go, to absolutely, achingly, BLINDLY trust God is, I think, the most important, real, life-determining decision anyone can make.

I had a conversation with my sister last night and she put this into a really good perspective for me. She described it as sprinting. I need to be sprinting through my life, full speed ahead, as fast as I can towards God. God wants me there, alongside of him. But sprinting also means that everything in the sidelines is blurred, you don't have time to look behind you to see if people will follow you or if anyone else is willing to run with you, you have to keep going. That's blind trust. That's complete faith. And I want it. Because no matter how much control I think I have, whenever I get caught up in my poor choices or stressful situations, I realize that in those situations, I called the shots. It's easy to think that you have better ideas than God. I am a class-A culprit. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the times I listened, the times I payed attention and let go of my emotional decision-making, were the times when I felt God the most. It's not easy. It's completely difficult, uncomfortable, lonely at times. But the beauty is that in those times, when you don't even necessarily understand WHY you should do what you think God wants you to do, but do it anyway, you are unbelievably close to God.
C.S. Lewis addresses this in the Screwtape Letters. The voice of "Screwtape" is talking to his demon nephew Wormwood in reference to God's relationship with humans. He says,
"The prayers offered in the state of dryness are those
which please Him best. God cannot "tempt" to virtue as we [demons] do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer
desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

This passage astounds me every time I read it. It speaks to the freedom God gives us. He wants us to learn to walk in this world. He doesn't hold our hand every single step of the way-- but if we have the will, the desire to walk towards him, God is pleased even if we stumble. Even if we get off track and make mistakes. The voice of satan explains that the times when a person doesn't understand why he's still going towards God because he's so miserable and lonely but STILL KEEPS OBEYING are the times when he is most powerful against satan and the times when God is most pleased with us. OH my gosh. Isn't that the definition of love? God desires merely our WILL to obey him, and if that exists, he is pleased even with our stumbles.

I'm blessed, I'm free, I can CHOOSE to sprint towards God.
It's not easy, of course I'm going to stumble, of course I'll get frustrated, and I won't understand a lot, but if I'm willing, God is here, and I have nothing to be anxious about. God is bigger than all of my worries.
This isn't an overnight revolution of personhood, it's going to take time to try and become this person. But the most important thing, the first step is knowing that I want to be better.