Alright. So here's the deal. I'm tired. I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of losing time in this amazing, precious life by being a frustrated person. Because I am. I am perpetually frustrated with myself, obsessed with my shortcomings and imperfections. I don't know if it's obvious or not, but I do, I struggle. But tonight, after a pour-out-your-soul conversation with my incredible friend Valerie, I realized it. I'm not choosing to be free. Because that's what freedom is. It's a choice. My mind is preoccupied with things that are completely not worth being preoccupied by because
1) most of my preoccupations are irrational and lies to myself
2) i worry way too much about stuff that will ultimately work itself out with time
3) i'm wasting my time by not being joyful and free.
I think that to truly live, you have to take joy in simplicity and realize the freedom in being able to breath every second of your life. I don't need more than what I'm already given-- I am active and mostly healthy [working on that], I have a wonderful, to-die-for family, absolutely incredible friends, and miles of opportunity at my fingertips. So it's nothing but go go go now. Enough talking. Enough worrying. Enough nonsense. Enough wasted time. I'm ready to beat this. I'm ready to choose to be free.
I'm going to take slower steps. I'm going to watch the sun go down every once in a while. I used to do that all the time. I'm going to read books. For fun. I'm going t color a picture. I'm going to sing more, laugh more, and write more letters. I'm going to be more grateful. I'm going to work out my mental muscles, working every day on my choice to be free. In the wise words of Miss Valerie, I'm gettin swole. It's happening, people. This girl's got love and joy and a whole lot of life to live. I'm going to stop wasting it.
I have also been reaaaalllly tough on myself lately. Like, really. A lot. To a point where it kind of dictates the way I go about my day and think about stuff. It's selfish and wrong. Soooooo I have decided to list ten things I love about myself. Not so that I can brag or sound self-absorbed, but actually so I can start to love myself more. Because at this point, I'm kind of at the other end of the spectrum. So here goes:
- I like that my hair is curly, it's low maintenance.
- I'm book smart. I bet I know more about Heigel and Dostoevsky and Locke than you do!
- I have a good vocabulary
- I don't have the best sense of direction, but I have friends who always rescue me.
- I'm reallllyyy good at making campfires
- I have a crazy eye. It creates conversations.
- I have an okay singing voice, and I have no prollem jammin out along with mah musics.
- I'm a decent writer.
- I have pretty straight teeth.
- I stay hydrated.
- about 84% of the time, I don't care what people think of me. In the best sense of the concept.
- I'm good at making friends.
- I'm a good listener.
that was more than ten wasn't it?
Okeee folks, that's enough for me at the moment. I know it was random, but hey, I feel a lil better.
I'm off to finish studying for Anatomy, drink some of my half-warm tea [it is FREEZING in my dorm room, and my tea stayed hot for all of like 2 minutes], and hopefully sleep like a baybeh. Goodnight moon. I actually read that book tonight. And you wonder why I love my life sometimes :)
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Stop.
Today is simple. Uncomplicated. Wonderful. I'm falling in love with life again, and it's moments like this one that help me slow down, breathe, and be unbelievably grateful to be alive. Happy Friday.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
God is bigger than all of my problems
Have you ever felt like, no matter how much you try and push it out of your brain, there's a little annoying voice that is persistent in trying to convince you to give up? Doesn't matter if it's during a run or while you're writing a paper or even just struggling to keep a smile on your face for a day. Sometimes it's just so. exhausting.
I've kind of felt like that this week. I'm not sure why. I've gotten into a really good routine-- I go to the gym or run outside every day, I do my homework, my room has stayed moderately clean, and my laundry is done. Miraculous. But I feel hollow and unrested for some reason. The smallest things just GET to me, and I haven't been able to put my finger on it until today.
I was talking to Valpal, and she put it so simply that it took me a while to unfold and really let it hit me. She said, "It's just satan, really. He loses, though, gotta remember that. Love wins. I need to start finding love again in my every day life, because it's there. We gotta open our eyes." Okay... WOAH. Slap in the face. This girl is amazing, she always gets me and always tells me exactly what I need to hear.
This ache inside me, this emptiness despite the craziness of my days and the dense schedule I have is a complete lack of JOY. I'm paying too much attention on logistical stuff and not focusing on what is ultimately the most important, which is to love. Love your professors even though they pile the work on you, they're working just as hard, trust me. Be grateful for the struggle, because without it, how can you fully appreciate freedom? Love the rain and the snow and the sleet and the puddles that get your shoes sopping wet. They make the sunshine way more awesome and the warmth a thousand times more fuzzy. Love the burning and ache of your muscles after a workout, it means you're getting stronger. Love the difficult conversations. The necessary and miserable ones. Because in opening up to someone and letting them know the truth about something or calling them out on something that you know is a problem, you are not only giving yourself a reality check, you're opening someone else's eyes to a new perspective.
I've felt lately that I'm afraid to confront myself. I'm afraid to let go of the vicegrip that I've tried to maintain on my life. I'm starting to understand though that letting God take the steering wheel is one of the most important things to DECIDE. Because it is, it's a decision. God gives us the option to take our lives wherever we want them to go. He loves us despite the circumstances. But being able to let go, to absolutely, achingly, BLINDLY trust God is, I think, the most important, real, life-determining decision anyone can make.
I had a conversation with my sister last night and she put this into a really good perspective for me. She described it as sprinting. I need to be sprinting through my life, full speed ahead, as fast as I can towards God. God wants me there, alongside of him. But sprinting also means that everything in the sidelines is blurred, you don't have time to look behind you to see if people will follow you or if anyone else is willing to run with you, you have to keep going. That's blind trust. That's complete faith. And I want it. Because no matter how much control I think I have, whenever I get caught up in my poor choices or stressful situations, I realize that in those situations, I called the shots. It's easy to think that you have better ideas than God. I am a class-A culprit. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the times I listened, the times I payed attention and let go of my emotional decision-making, were the times when I felt God the most. It's not easy. It's completely difficult, uncomfortable, lonely at times. But the beauty is that in those times, when you don't even necessarily understand WHY you should do what you think God wants you to do, but do it anyway, you are unbelievably close to God.
C.S. Lewis addresses this in the Screwtape Letters. The voice of "Screwtape" is talking to his demon nephew Wormwood in reference to God's relationship with humans. He says,
"The prayers offered in the state of dryness are those
which please Him best. God cannot "tempt" to virtue as we [demons] do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer
desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
This passage astounds me every time I read it. It speaks to the freedom God gives us. He wants us to learn to walk in this world. He doesn't hold our hand every single step of the way-- but if we have the will, the desire to walk towards him, God is pleased even if we stumble. Even if we get off track and make mistakes. The voice of satan explains that the times when a person doesn't understand why he's still going towards God because he's so miserable and lonely but STILL KEEPS OBEYING are the times when he is most powerful against satan and the times when God is most pleased with us. OH my gosh. Isn't that the definition of love? God desires merely our WILL to obey him, and if that exists, he is pleased even with our stumbles.
I'm blessed, I'm free, I can CHOOSE to sprint towards God.
It's not easy, of course I'm going to stumble, of course I'll get frustrated, and I won't understand a lot, but if I'm willing, God is here, and I have nothing to be anxious about. God is bigger than all of my worries.
This isn't an overnight revolution of personhood, it's going to take time to try and become this person. But the most important thing, the first step is knowing that I want to be better.
I've kind of felt like that this week. I'm not sure why. I've gotten into a really good routine-- I go to the gym or run outside every day, I do my homework, my room has stayed moderately clean, and my laundry is done. Miraculous. But I feel hollow and unrested for some reason. The smallest things just GET to me, and I haven't been able to put my finger on it until today.
I was talking to Valpal, and she put it so simply that it took me a while to unfold and really let it hit me. She said, "It's just satan, really. He loses, though, gotta remember that. Love wins. I need to start finding love again in my every day life, because it's there. We gotta open our eyes." Okay... WOAH. Slap in the face. This girl is amazing, she always gets me and always tells me exactly what I need to hear.
This ache inside me, this emptiness despite the craziness of my days and the dense schedule I have is a complete lack of JOY. I'm paying too much attention on logistical stuff and not focusing on what is ultimately the most important, which is to love. Love your professors even though they pile the work on you, they're working just as hard, trust me. Be grateful for the struggle, because without it, how can you fully appreciate freedom? Love the rain and the snow and the sleet and the puddles that get your shoes sopping wet. They make the sunshine way more awesome and the warmth a thousand times more fuzzy. Love the burning and ache of your muscles after a workout, it means you're getting stronger. Love the difficult conversations. The necessary and miserable ones. Because in opening up to someone and letting them know the truth about something or calling them out on something that you know is a problem, you are not only giving yourself a reality check, you're opening someone else's eyes to a new perspective.
I've felt lately that I'm afraid to confront myself. I'm afraid to let go of the vicegrip that I've tried to maintain on my life. I'm starting to understand though that letting God take the steering wheel is one of the most important things to DECIDE. Because it is, it's a decision. God gives us the option to take our lives wherever we want them to go. He loves us despite the circumstances. But being able to let go, to absolutely, achingly, BLINDLY trust God is, I think, the most important, real, life-determining decision anyone can make.
I had a conversation with my sister last night and she put this into a really good perspective for me. She described it as sprinting. I need to be sprinting through my life, full speed ahead, as fast as I can towards God. God wants me there, alongside of him. But sprinting also means that everything in the sidelines is blurred, you don't have time to look behind you to see if people will follow you or if anyone else is willing to run with you, you have to keep going. That's blind trust. That's complete faith. And I want it. Because no matter how much control I think I have, whenever I get caught up in my poor choices or stressful situations, I realize that in those situations, I called the shots. It's easy to think that you have better ideas than God. I am a class-A culprit. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the times I listened, the times I payed attention and let go of my emotional decision-making, were the times when I felt God the most. It's not easy. It's completely difficult, uncomfortable, lonely at times. But the beauty is that in those times, when you don't even necessarily understand WHY you should do what you think God wants you to do, but do it anyway, you are unbelievably close to God.
C.S. Lewis addresses this in the Screwtape Letters. The voice of "Screwtape" is talking to his demon nephew Wormwood in reference to God's relationship with humans. He says,
"The prayers offered in the state of dryness are those
which please Him best. God cannot "tempt" to virtue as we [demons] do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer
desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."
This passage astounds me every time I read it. It speaks to the freedom God gives us. He wants us to learn to walk in this world. He doesn't hold our hand every single step of the way-- but if we have the will, the desire to walk towards him, God is pleased even if we stumble. Even if we get off track and make mistakes. The voice of satan explains that the times when a person doesn't understand why he's still going towards God because he's so miserable and lonely but STILL KEEPS OBEYING are the times when he is most powerful against satan and the times when God is most pleased with us. OH my gosh. Isn't that the definition of love? God desires merely our WILL to obey him, and if that exists, he is pleased even with our stumbles.
I'm blessed, I'm free, I can CHOOSE to sprint towards God.
It's not easy, of course I'm going to stumble, of course I'll get frustrated, and I won't understand a lot, but if I'm willing, God is here, and I have nothing to be anxious about. God is bigger than all of my worries.
This isn't an overnight revolution of personhood, it's going to take time to try and become this person. But the most important thing, the first step is knowing that I want to be better.
Friday, January 14, 2011
All my lovin'
The Beatles are so cool. When in doubt, no matter the mood, if you can't find the right thing to listen to, I'm pretty sure the Beatles have it covered. And I know it's cheating a little bit, but the Across the Universe soundtrack is BOMB, and some of the covers on the album are sooooooo good.
I'm in a great mood. I just got back from one of the most excruciating runs of my life! It's a lil bit.. well a lottabit cold outside, but I really just wanted to GO, somewhere, by myself to be alone with me and my thoughts and just brush off the stress of the first-week-of-school business, so I made the executive decision to laugh in the gym's FACE and run outside. Take THAT, treadmills. Mwahaha. It's so much better running outside. You actually go somewhere, ya know? You feel more accomplished, and you can people watch too! I saw sooo many old women walking their dogs. Have you ever noticed that old ladies who walk their dogs often times RESEMBLE their pets? Its so true, notice next time. You also encounter social bystanders on runs. People getting in their cars, pushing strollers, feeding birds or what have you, who talk to you. I encountered an old man today who said, "Keep on runnin, guuurly!!" And when I say old, he was probably only like 60, but I'm pretty sure he was probably meaning to be flirtatious by the comment he made, which automatically makes him an old creeper BUT his comment was actually helpful, considering I was like half dead and 'bout ready to start walking. Partly for fear that he was creepin' and partly encouraged, you bet I kept running.
I adamantly enjoy anatomy & physiology. It is SO interesting. I'm like, soaking up what we're learning like a sponge. It's sooooo cool. All the cell structures and body sections and cavities and whatnot. I love it all. Nerd? Yuhhh.
Fun fact of the day: I'm pretty sure my Lit professor once roamed with the dinosaurs.
I have a bruise on my shin. How did it get there?
I think I'm addicted to online crosswords. BUT the school is now giving away free newspapers, so yayyy I get to do trueblue newspaper crossword puzzles. This makes me so happy. I love words, they are pretty awesome. Think about it. 26 letters make up EVERYTHING YOU SAY. What? Craziness. Little stuff like that astounds me sometimes.
The sky looks like cotton candy right now. The sun is setting and its a melon-y orange color with pink tufty clouds. It look edible. I love outside...
I am so grateful for friends.
Really, I just have a bunch of KEEPERS. Alla them. Never underestimate the value of a good friend.
Lately I've felt the pinch of reality, I'm not little anymore, I'm an adult. I make important decisions, ones that dictate how the rest of my LIFE will pan out. Isn't that terrifying? No one is telling me to do my laundry or go to work or wash my dishes or go to bed. Obviously I have more important stuff to think about than those things, but even the little stuff gets me sometimes. I really am INDEPENDENT here, and sometimes it scares me. At the same time I feel this burning opportunity, the potential to be absolutely flourishing in this new, scary environment. This semester is bringing me a whole sky-full or opportunity. I will be so busy, reading reading reading and writing writing writing and memorizing for all my classes, but the challenge I think will awaken part of my that's kind of been trying to show face for some time now. The part that LOVES to learn and thrives with pressure and workload. I think I will manage my time better and absolutely fall in love with where I am if I "marry" myself to my situation a little more. In the very wise words of my infinity-friend Valerie, "We have so much to offer the world, SO much soul to give." How true it is. What an incredible, wholly awesome gift this is. This life. I don't want to waste it. I'm not going to waste it. I wanna soak it up, like a sponge. I'm going to give this life all my loving, because I know it will give me love back.
I'm in a great mood. I just got back from one of the most excruciating runs of my life! It's a lil bit.. well a lottabit cold outside, but I really just wanted to GO, somewhere, by myself to be alone with me and my thoughts and just brush off the stress of the first-week-of-school business, so I made the executive decision to laugh in the gym's FACE and run outside. Take THAT, treadmills. Mwahaha. It's so much better running outside. You actually go somewhere, ya know? You feel more accomplished, and you can people watch too! I saw sooo many old women walking their dogs. Have you ever noticed that old ladies who walk their dogs often times RESEMBLE their pets? Its so true, notice next time. You also encounter social bystanders on runs. People getting in their cars, pushing strollers, feeding birds or what have you, who talk to you. I encountered an old man today who said, "Keep on runnin, guuurly!!" And when I say old, he was probably only like 60, but I'm pretty sure he was probably meaning to be flirtatious by the comment he made, which automatically makes him an old creeper BUT his comment was actually helpful, considering I was like half dead and 'bout ready to start walking. Partly for fear that he was creepin' and partly encouraged, you bet I kept running.
I adamantly enjoy anatomy & physiology. It is SO interesting. I'm like, soaking up what we're learning like a sponge. It's sooooo cool. All the cell structures and body sections and cavities and whatnot. I love it all. Nerd? Yuhhh.
Fun fact of the day: I'm pretty sure my Lit professor once roamed with the dinosaurs.
I have a bruise on my shin. How did it get there?
I think I'm addicted to online crosswords. BUT the school is now giving away free newspapers, so yayyy I get to do trueblue newspaper crossword puzzles. This makes me so happy. I love words, they are pretty awesome. Think about it. 26 letters make up EVERYTHING YOU SAY. What? Craziness. Little stuff like that astounds me sometimes.
The sky looks like cotton candy right now. The sun is setting and its a melon-y orange color with pink tufty clouds. It look edible. I love outside...
I am so grateful for friends.
Really, I just have a bunch of KEEPERS. Alla them. Never underestimate the value of a good friend.
Lately I've felt the pinch of reality, I'm not little anymore, I'm an adult. I make important decisions, ones that dictate how the rest of my LIFE will pan out. Isn't that terrifying? No one is telling me to do my laundry or go to work or wash my dishes or go to bed. Obviously I have more important stuff to think about than those things, but even the little stuff gets me sometimes. I really am INDEPENDENT here, and sometimes it scares me. At the same time I feel this burning opportunity, the potential to be absolutely flourishing in this new, scary environment. This semester is bringing me a whole sky-full or opportunity. I will be so busy, reading reading reading and writing writing writing and memorizing for all my classes, but the challenge I think will awaken part of my that's kind of been trying to show face for some time now. The part that LOVES to learn and thrives with pressure and workload. I think I will manage my time better and absolutely fall in love with where I am if I "marry" myself to my situation a little more. In the very wise words of my infinity-friend Valerie, "We have so much to offer the world, SO much soul to give." How true it is. What an incredible, wholly awesome gift this is. This life. I don't want to waste it. I'm not going to waste it. I wanna soak it up, like a sponge. I'm going to give this life all my loving, because I know it will give me love back.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
socks&runs&snow&adventuures.
My mom is so great. I am so lucky. She took me and my sister to chipotle last night and bought us dinner, then we went to Kildare's bar/restaurant and got drinks and hung out. She's just so much fun. I miss her all the time when I'm at school. Last night when we got home, she and I sat in my living room making fun of the things people were wearing on the People's Choice Awards, admiring Johnny Depp, and good timing to Frasier. Can't beat hang out time with Bridgey. I love her sooooo much.
I woke up and it was snowing! I was kind of excited. It hasn't really snowed since I've been in town and it didn't really feel like South Bend. Now it does :) I've been realizing more and more lately how much I really do love Indiana, despite its lack of liveliness. I went on a run yesterday, and there's this mile-long road called Filbert Rd. It's completely straight, one mile down all the way. I make it part of my route sometimes because it's a nice calculation and an easy down-and-back 2 miles to add to my run. Yesterday I was almost all the way back on Filbert when I saw a path to my left. The street is pretty woods-y but there was a break in the trees and just a long, straight, pretty wide path that looked like it went kinda far so I decided to adventure down it. I'm so glad I did! It may have added a lil bit of distance to my already owwy run, but it was so fun! I thought I was lost for a few minutes because it dumped me out behind some apartment buildings, haha. I was kinda confused, but I just kept running till I found a main road. it was adventurous and fun. I found sand. SAND. In wintertime? Oh construction sites :]
I like crystal light lemonade. It's addictive.
I like fat snow flakes.
I like men's $5 plaid pajama pants from walmart. Like the ones I'm wearing.
I like that we don't take our Christmas tree down until like a month after Christmas. It is sooooo jolly :]
I have many much owwies on my feet from runnin.
On the other hand, I am wearing possibly the best pair of socks known to man. or woman, whichever you prefer. They are PURPOSELY unmatched. WHAT. just look.
i know. i know.
Anywayyy, I'm going to go make soup. Because I think it's a soup day.
To do list:
make soup
drink more water
buy laundry detergent
go running
hug my mother
get stamps
It's a good day. I love my life lots and lots. Like tater tots! Except I really don't like tater tots all that much, I just said that because it rhymed. Buuuuut it works.
I miss Chelsea. She likes tater tots.
PEACE.
I woke up and it was snowing! I was kind of excited. It hasn't really snowed since I've been in town and it didn't really feel like South Bend. Now it does :) I've been realizing more and more lately how much I really do love Indiana, despite its lack of liveliness. I went on a run yesterday, and there's this mile-long road called Filbert Rd. It's completely straight, one mile down all the way. I make it part of my route sometimes because it's a nice calculation and an easy down-and-back 2 miles to add to my run. Yesterday I was almost all the way back on Filbert when I saw a path to my left. The street is pretty woods-y but there was a break in the trees and just a long, straight, pretty wide path that looked like it went kinda far so I decided to adventure down it. I'm so glad I did! It may have added a lil bit of distance to my already owwy run, but it was so fun! I thought I was lost for a few minutes because it dumped me out behind some apartment buildings, haha. I was kinda confused, but I just kept running till I found a main road. it was adventurous and fun. I found sand. SAND. In wintertime? Oh construction sites :]
I like crystal light lemonade. It's addictive.
I like fat snow flakes.
I like men's $5 plaid pajama pants from walmart. Like the ones I'm wearing.
I like that we don't take our Christmas tree down until like a month after Christmas. It is sooooo jolly :]
I have many much owwies on my feet from runnin.
On the other hand, I am wearing possibly the best pair of socks known to man. or woman, whichever you prefer. They are PURPOSELY unmatched. WHAT. just look.
i know. i know.
Anywayyy, I'm going to go make soup. Because I think it's a soup day.
To do list:
make soup
drink more water
buy laundry detergent
go running
hug my mother
get stamps
It's a good day. I love my life lots and lots. Like tater tots! Except I really don't like tater tots all that much, I just said that because it rhymed. Buuuuut it works.
I miss Chelsea. She likes tater tots.
PEACE.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
NARANJA. [NaR-ahhn-HA!]
I am currently sitting at the kitchen table next to my brother John as he sweats and toils through doing his paper for project week. I remember project week [only a year ago, seems like a whole lot longer]. John hates writing papers. He absolutely hates it, with every fiber of his being. I think he would honestly rather chew tree bark than write papers. That being said, it takes a lot of umph from my mother [bless her heart] to keep him motivated and on-the-job. I woke up to her sitting next to him offering suggestions and really helping him with his paper, while John responded with grumbles and a few snippets of "how do I do that?" John is a smart, smart kid, he just hates writing papers, so he shuts down when he has to. Poor kid.
I've really gotta go for a long run today. SOMEONE MOTIVATE ME. It's snowing. I guess that's nice. It's a cute kind of snowing. You know what I mean? The snowflakes are so... individual? They're far enough apart that they look like a bunch of Q-tip tops floating everywhere. There's not snow on the ground, so it looks really pretty against the green on the ground.
oh, digression...
I test drove some puppies at the mall yesterday! That's when you know you're in South Bend. There is absolutely nothing better to do than go to "Pat's Pets" in the mall and ask to "try out" their puppies. Haha, we played with a baby cocker spaniel and we named him "Peter Nincompoop." Don't ask me why, it was Roger's idea. The doggy had reaaalllly big, clumsy feet and he kept sliding everywhere and couldn't walk around on the tile floor without slipping. It was SO cute. I wanted to puppy-nap baby peter nincompoop.
I'm trying to register for a run in D.C. but my registration keeps failing. I hope I didn't miss the deadline to sign up :/
My nails are painted purple, but they're really chippy.
Avacados are magical food.
Really, they are so delish.
Eat some, it's goood for you.
Omega-3s yummmm
I wish that I could take a creative writing class in college. I'm sure they're offered in some form, but I have yet to discover one. I would lovelovelove it. I mean, this blog is kind of my outlet for creativity and venting and everything else in between but to be able to do it for college credit... cool!
My internet connection is BAD. It upsets me, because I'm mildly inconvenienced.
Maybe I'll make dinner tonight. Yeah, I think I will.
I am wearing fantastically unmatched socks from Valerie. They are the apple to my orange. SHE is the apple to my orange. NARANJA. That's orange in spanish. But it might be the color orange, and not the actual orange orange. But I do like the word naranja. It reminds me of Narnia. And you know what? Narnia is the bomb-diggity, the bees knees, the cat's pajamas, the COOLEST. Ergo, Naranja is the bombest of spanish vocabulary words. Because for all we know, it could mean "orange" the color, "orange" that you eat, AND Narnia. Magic? Yes, yes it is.
I've really gotta go for a long run today. SOMEONE MOTIVATE ME. It's snowing. I guess that's nice. It's a cute kind of snowing. You know what I mean? The snowflakes are so... individual? They're far enough apart that they look like a bunch of Q-tip tops floating everywhere. There's not snow on the ground, so it looks really pretty against the green on the ground.
oh, digression...
I test drove some puppies at the mall yesterday! That's when you know you're in South Bend. There is absolutely nothing better to do than go to "Pat's Pets" in the mall and ask to "try out" their puppies. Haha, we played with a baby cocker spaniel and we named him "Peter Nincompoop." Don't ask me why, it was Roger's idea. The doggy had reaaalllly big, clumsy feet and he kept sliding everywhere and couldn't walk around on the tile floor without slipping. It was SO cute. I wanted to puppy-nap baby peter nincompoop.
I'm trying to register for a run in D.C. but my registration keeps failing. I hope I didn't miss the deadline to sign up :/
My nails are painted purple, but they're really chippy.
Avacados are magical food.
Really, they are so delish.
Eat some, it's goood for you.
Omega-3s yummmm
I wish that I could take a creative writing class in college. I'm sure they're offered in some form, but I have yet to discover one. I would lovelovelove it. I mean, this blog is kind of my outlet for creativity and venting and everything else in between but to be able to do it for college credit... cool!
My internet connection is BAD. It upsets me, because I'm mildly inconvenienced.
Maybe I'll make dinner tonight. Yeah, I think I will.
I am wearing fantastically unmatched socks from Valerie. They are the apple to my orange. SHE is the apple to my orange. NARANJA. That's orange in spanish. But it might be the color orange, and not the actual orange orange. But I do like the word naranja. It reminds me of Narnia. And you know what? Narnia is the bomb-diggity, the bees knees, the cat's pajamas, the COOLEST. Ergo, Naranja is the bombest of spanish vocabulary words. Because for all we know, it could mean "orange" the color, "orange" that you eat, AND Narnia. Magic? Yes, yes it is.
Monday, January 3, 2011
2010 recap.
When I think about it, 2010 absolutely FLEW by. So much happened, it feels like, and over just twelve months, my life has changed sooo much. It's been one of the busiest years of my life, if not the most. But it's also introduced so many new aspects and dynamics to my life, and I'm only just beginning to get used to it. I feel life right now my life is a pop-up book. I just keep turning pages and opening new flaps and being surprised by each one. 2010 was a transition year, a year of so much learning and self-discovery. A battle of self-acceptance, an adventure to learn how to love others and myself even when it feels unnatural and difficult, and an overall blessing, a rewarding, blissful year of craziness. I feel like I can probably apply that statement to every single year I've lived, but this past year it was especially true.
I applied for ten schools. TEN. I don't recommend that.
I got accepted to nine of the ten, and so the elimination process began and it wasn't easy. If anyone reading this is just starting to apply to schools, make it easy on yourself and keep the limit to like five, haha.
Marymount was the very last school I applied to, and frankly it was my last choice. I didn't think much about it after I had applied, and I was set on going to Bellarmine University in Louisville, KY. But when Marymount gave me the presidential scholarship, a couple grants, and accepted me into their honors program, I figured that if I can get in and out of college in 4 years with a Nursing degree from a private University in Washington DC and be in less than $20,000 in debt when all is said and done, why not go for it?
I remember the night I decided on Marymount. I sat on my sofa and cried. I don't know if i was terrified, relieved or really happy. It was probably a chaoscombination of all three.
Aside from college decisions, I had a crazy last semester of high school. My life perspective was slapped into shape by reading the Brothers Karamazov. For real, it changed my life, go read it.
I realized I actually LIKE math, and I'm good at it. Too bad all the ridiculous math courses we took like calc 1&2, multivariable calculus, linear algebra, and theoretical mathmatics will serve absolutely no purpose for me in my chosen field of study. BIG FAT BUMMER. I feel like all that hard work suddenly took the form of a dead goldfish and got flushed down the potty.
The last day of school, me and all the seniors got in our cars [the majority of which were our families' 15 passenger vans. because that's how we rolled] and did "laps" around the school, driving around the block, honking our horns and waving our uniform kilts out the windows. It was a thing of true, irrefutable beauty. We proceeded to go back to Katie's house and jump in her pool with our uniforms on. Then I went back to my house and burned my 3-sizes-too-big uniform pants in the fire pit in my backyard. It needed to happen. And I liked it.
Summertime was a whirlwind. Starting with Allesha and Ricky's wedding which included fantastic adventures with Valpal involving making a "house" out of kiddie soccer goals in a public park at night, swinging, getting stuck in kiddie swings, sliding down slides that actually weren't so slidey, climbing fences, party pops, pb&js, american spirits and ripsticks. How much do I love my life? A lot.
I went to Val's for the 4th of july, one of the best weekends of my life. I went to Pensacola and conquered the oil spill, I went for runs on the beach and watched a sunrise. I went to my first concert [and a whole lot more] at Lollapalooza. I conquered in a battle of speed-wobbles on a longboard down a ferocious hill. I spent a week at Val's with the best girls on earth. I cornfield stargazed with my mom on the side of a country road in the middle of nowhere. That's got to be a LIFE highlight.
Summer ended with a lot of choked up goodbyes to friends going to different schools. I knew it was going to be tough to say goodbye. I had been at school with the same 26 people for 6 years, and now I was expected to suddenly go across the country alone, without anyone who has helped me become the person I am. I was sad and terrified and excited all at once. Saying goodbye to my parents was really hard. I didn't wanna cry in front of them and I think I succeeded in holding back the tears until they were halfway out the door.
College was like a dumptruck. All at once, new aspects of life just piled on top of me. It's taken a while to get a little bit un-buried by it all, but it's been an important and good process. I have discovered unforgettable friends, learned from mistakes, experienced life in a big city by myself, bonded with my sister Rebecca, gotten a job, conquered finals, got good grades, and run. a lot. I love my life.
2010, thank you for the dumb stuff, the good stuff, and everything in-between.
I have become a better me, I think. I'm glad for the challenges, ecstatic about the new people who have come into my life, and I cannot wait for 2011 to blow my mind. I want to be challenged even more, dared to be who I am in ways I never have been. I want to pray more and worry less. I want to run more and fret less. I want to say less and do more. I want to stop wanting and start BEING. I want to be who I need to be and want to be and who I'm supposed to be. I have a lot of resolutions, and I'm only going to accomplish them if I make my aspirations a part of me. 2011, bring it on. I want to be dumptrucked by life! I'm ready this time, so hit me with your best shot.
Happy New Year.
I applied for ten schools. TEN. I don't recommend that.
I got accepted to nine of the ten, and so the elimination process began and it wasn't easy. If anyone reading this is just starting to apply to schools, make it easy on yourself and keep the limit to like five, haha.
Marymount was the very last school I applied to, and frankly it was my last choice. I didn't think much about it after I had applied, and I was set on going to Bellarmine University in Louisville, KY. But when Marymount gave me the presidential scholarship, a couple grants, and accepted me into their honors program, I figured that if I can get in and out of college in 4 years with a Nursing degree from a private University in Washington DC and be in less than $20,000 in debt when all is said and done, why not go for it?
I remember the night I decided on Marymount. I sat on my sofa and cried. I don't know if i was terrified, relieved or really happy. It was probably a chaoscombination of all three.
Aside from college decisions, I had a crazy last semester of high school. My life perspective was slapped into shape by reading the Brothers Karamazov. For real, it changed my life, go read it.
I realized I actually LIKE math, and I'm good at it. Too bad all the ridiculous math courses we took like calc 1&2, multivariable calculus, linear algebra, and theoretical mathmatics will serve absolutely no purpose for me in my chosen field of study. BIG FAT BUMMER. I feel like all that hard work suddenly took the form of a dead goldfish and got flushed down the potty.
The last day of school, me and all the seniors got in our cars [the majority of which were our families' 15 passenger vans. because that's how we rolled] and did "laps" around the school, driving around the block, honking our horns and waving our uniform kilts out the windows. It was a thing of true, irrefutable beauty. We proceeded to go back to Katie's house and jump in her pool with our uniforms on. Then I went back to my house and burned my 3-sizes-too-big uniform pants in the fire pit in my backyard. It needed to happen. And I liked it.
Summertime was a whirlwind. Starting with Allesha and Ricky's wedding which included fantastic adventures with Valpal involving making a "house" out of kiddie soccer goals in a public park at night, swinging, getting stuck in kiddie swings, sliding down slides that actually weren't so slidey, climbing fences, party pops, pb&js, american spirits and ripsticks. How much do I love my life? A lot.
I went to Val's for the 4th of july, one of the best weekends of my life. I went to Pensacola and conquered the oil spill, I went for runs on the beach and watched a sunrise. I went to my first concert [and a whole lot more] at Lollapalooza. I conquered in a battle of speed-wobbles on a longboard down a ferocious hill. I spent a week at Val's with the best girls on earth. I cornfield stargazed with my mom on the side of a country road in the middle of nowhere. That's got to be a LIFE highlight.
Summer ended with a lot of choked up goodbyes to friends going to different schools. I knew it was going to be tough to say goodbye. I had been at school with the same 26 people for 6 years, and now I was expected to suddenly go across the country alone, without anyone who has helped me become the person I am. I was sad and terrified and excited all at once. Saying goodbye to my parents was really hard. I didn't wanna cry in front of them and I think I succeeded in holding back the tears until they were halfway out the door.
College was like a dumptruck. All at once, new aspects of life just piled on top of me. It's taken a while to get a little bit un-buried by it all, but it's been an important and good process. I have discovered unforgettable friends, learned from mistakes, experienced life in a big city by myself, bonded with my sister Rebecca, gotten a job, conquered finals, got good grades, and run. a lot. I love my life.
2010, thank you for the dumb stuff, the good stuff, and everything in-between.
I have become a better me, I think. I'm glad for the challenges, ecstatic about the new people who have come into my life, and I cannot wait for 2011 to blow my mind. I want to be challenged even more, dared to be who I am in ways I never have been. I want to pray more and worry less. I want to run more and fret less. I want to say less and do more. I want to stop wanting and start BEING. I want to be who I need to be and want to be and who I'm supposed to be. I have a lot of resolutions, and I'm only going to accomplish them if I make my aspirations a part of me. 2011, bring it on. I want to be dumptrucked by life! I'm ready this time, so hit me with your best shot.
Happy New Year.
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