Swing Life Away.

I'm sitting at my kitchen table, drinking a large glass of water while looking outside at the gray, sopping wet weather outside. It is stereotypical south bend-looking, white-grey sky that makes everything else look grey alongside it. the rooftops all look the same color and even the trees take on a muddy looking hue to match the snow-melting ground beneath them. The poor swingset in the backyard looks so lonely! The dilapidated swings look really pathetic just hanging there... I wonder how long it's been since they've been used. Frankly, I might have been the last one to swing on them hahaha. Yes, I am 19 years old and still enjoy swingsets. They're my fave. During the summertime especially, I'll go on walks to the elementary school just outside the neighborhood and swing on the swings. It's the best, I feel like such a little kid and I love it.

I can't wait for sidewalk chalk weather.

Tomorrow, I'm driving to Indianapolis to stay with Valerie Carnevale and to spend time with all of my fabulous Indy kids. I'm soooo excited!! I'm also excited just for the drive. I'm weird, but I absolutely love driving, especially by myself. I can think and jam to my tunes to my heart's content without any disruptions except for my occasional irrational bouts of road rage. Tomorrow I will have 3 beautiful hours of country music and Indiana highways. Love it.

Honey nut cheerios are kind of just God's way of telling me he loves me. I love honey nut cheerios. They're perfectly mixed between hearty and sweet. Just soo yummy. Thanks for making my morning.

I didn't run today. On one foot, I'm kinda sad. On the other, it was pretty icky outside, so i may have spared myself some mild depression. I did go on a walk with the lovely Renee Delee. What a girl, I'm so lucky to have her as a best friend. We've been buds practically since birth. She is my sister. I love her so much... we just get each other so well. I just really really like Raybaby.

So I found out today that I'm getting another poem published! I'm really excited. It's funny because the website that chose it picked a really random one that I wrote a really long time ago. I'm still pretty stoked to have another poem published though. It makes me feel so official. :]

I'm so grateful for socks. I think i may have already said this at some point, but really. When your house has all wood and tile floors, socks are sooooo nice. It's freezing in my house.

I want to bake pumpkin bread. I think I will.

I want to go to the top of a lighthouse someday.
I want to drink wine at an outdoor restaurant in Italy.
I want to go to a FC Barca soccer game in Barcelona.
I want to to to Peru and help orphaned babies.
I want to jump out of a plane.
I want to hike the grand canyon.
I want to go hunting.
I wanna live live live live live. So much. I want to experience EVERYTHING.
Do you ever feel like that?? Like there's so much for you to soak up in life that it almost feels like life is way too short to do it? Maybe it's selfish for me to want so much. Don't get me wrong, if you told me that this is it, the things that I've done and the places i've gone are all I'll ever be able to do, I'd be happy because I have such a rich life. But I think that being alive means we should be able to see and experience as much as we can. The world is here for us. I want to see coastal greece and be somewhere where I don't understand the language. I wanna be confused and challenged by experiences. I think everyone should be able to have experiences like that. Because life isn't supposed to be easy all the time. We should adventure and test ourselves and look foolish. How else are we to truly understand the expansive, diverse, colossal world we're surrounded by? We should all give ourselves the chance to feel small and inconsequential, even if for a minute. The world is so much bigger than finals and meetings and carpools and schedules. What if we had the chance to free ourselves from it all for one day? Go somewhere where no one knows your name, no one knows who you are or where you go to school or how many kids you have or who matters to you? What if for one day, we were somewhere where we felt the most lonely, small, and insignificant we've ever felt? Would you embrace how humbling it would be, or would you revel in the misery? I think that we would all, by default, resort to the latter. But what if we didnt? We would find a different sense of self, I think. I kinda wanna try it, feeling insignificant, because I want to watch the chaos of the rest of the world without paying attention to my own. I think I'd learn a lot.
That was a huge, ridiculous, maybe even nonsensical tangent. Who's reading this? Whoever it is, bless your heart.
Dinnertime!

It's Christmastiiiime in South Bend, ring-a-liing.

I am currently eating a deliciously juicy orange while wrapping Christmas presents and drinking chocolate milk. I have discovered that I am really bad at gift wrapping. I used to be awesome at it, but I have clearly lost my touch. Sorry, family members. I should have used gift bags and tissue paper. This year may be the first year ever that I've gotten gifts for every sibling and parent. I feel so accomplished! I'm happy with what I got them too. Poor Annie may have to wait to get hers because I ordered it online and I don't know if it will ship in time. Weee shall see.
All my siblings are in this house right now!! We picked up Becca from the airport this morning and I'm sooo happy that we're all together. She brought home some homemade irish soda bread from the McNichols and iii'm excited.
One thing that really, really stinks about having no clothes is that I have none of my running clothes! Neither of my sisters run and my mom doesnt either, so I have no athletic gear whatsoever. That sounds like the most lame excuse not to work out, but I seriously don't know how to deal with it. What would a cave man do? I want my luggage baaaack!!!
I get to see Valerie and Matt tomorrow. I can't wait.
Katie Anne Havard is just the greatest. She came over last night out of the blue and we drank hot chocolate and talked about school and snow and how lame chemistry is. She's soooo awesome. I aspire to be as cool as her someday, but it prolly won't happen. She's just a natural rockstar.
Christmas is awesome. Jus' sayin.
I miss my college friends!!! So much.
But I love being home.
This is a super short post, but I'm blanking on what I wanna say right now. I will write more later :]

grateful cont.

large, large hoodies
socks
my mom
my sister annie
the invention of the telephone
email
school being DONE
my hair. it may be atrocious and crazy all the time, but it keeps me warm hahaha
red wine
this is more of a "be grateful of what you have when you have it"-- Amtrak lost ALL my luggage. I am currently missing almost my entire wardrobe of clothing. I don't know what I'll do if i don't get it back. So folks, be grateful of all your clothes, they could go missing one day!
jake maz because he writes awesome songs
real, big bowls of cereal with real, big spoons
christmas trees
prayer
patience
little brothers
did i mention school being done?

life is a whirldwind right now. I cannot believe it's almost christmas. I'm halfway done with my first year of college. I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around that! I feel like i was juust in the car on the way to DC to move into my dorm. I feel like I've known everyone at school forever, and I miss them already! Time flies so fast.

I really want my luggage back.

ive been trying to figure out christmas gifts for people lately and ive discovered that Im really bad at giving gifts. I'm not creative at all! I dont know why this is. Maybe it's because I'm not picky about gifts? I usually like everything, so i just assume everyone will be just as accepting of random gifts... but im starting to realize that a lot of people actually go into christmas KNOWING what they want. I have hardly ever done that. I think it's weird. I mean, no offense to anyone, i hope all your hopes and dreams for a fairytale christmas come true haha. If you told me to sit under my christmas tree and plopped a mug of hot chocolate in my hands and told me that that was my christmas present, i prolly wouldn't mind. I don't need anything, i have life. and hot chocolate. and christmas trees. and home, and family, etc etc. yay.

I WANNA WATCH DISNEY MOVIES.

i'm super sleepy. I can't get over this whole baggage thing. Im so, so worried that it's gone forever... gahhh. SO much is in that huge suitcase.
agh i can't worry right now. Im sleepin.
goodnight moon.

Grateful

Today is December 15th. There are ten days until Christmas. During these ten days I am going to post lists of ways that I've been blessed, particularly this year. This year, 2010, has brought so much change and opportunity to learn and experience so many things. I've been taught a lot this year, I've had to grow up this year maybe more than any other year of my life so far. Lord, bless my mind, and keep it open to you. Help me never try to take too much control, because you have a life for me to live, and you won't let me be sad or lonely or miserable. Help me trust you with my life. I'm giving it all to you right now. Help these lists open my eyes to your amazing goodness.

I have an absolutely, incredibly amazing set of parents who love me SO much. They are always there for me and always supportive and wonderful. I am thankful for them every day, they are unbelievably good at what they do, being the best parents in the universe.

I have 5 wonderful, hilarious, beautiful siblings. Becca, Annie, John, Joe, and Will, I love you all soooo much and I can't wait for Christmas when we can all be under one roof together, it's been way too long.

I have a mind for loving people, which at times feels like an anchor on my heart because I can't fix everyone's problems, but ultimately I know that loving is a freedom. I am so glad I can see the world the way I do.

I have a very picky/guilty conscience, and it's the product of excellent parenthood, thank you mom and dad. You raised me so well.

I am so grateful to be a healthy person, to be able to run when I want to and be active and happy.

I could fill an entire book with how grateful I am for my friends, but I will simply say that each of you has shaped me, and continues to shape me into a better Mary. I am grateful for each of you every day, and I appreciate you so much.

I have successfully moved more than 600 miles away and lived 4 months of my life in a completely new place by myself at a school where I knew no one and I have survived. And made some completely irreplaceable friends.

I have mastered the art of using public transportation. For the most part.

I went to confession on Monday. Such a good decision, I feel so free to conquer finals week.

Rebecca Feeks and her mind and heart and awesomely enviable wit. And her appreciation for the necessity of things like beef jerky.

I see beauty in simple things. I think it's a gift.

Being able to express my thoughts in writing.

My high school education. It makes me feel smarter than a lot of college kids. I miss Humane letters.

Homemade meals. Kids, don't take them for granted, you are going to miss them SO much when you stop living at home.

I'll write more later, this list is going to keep on building until Christmas. My room is FREEZING and I need to shower and clean and start studying for my final on friday and I need to start packing. woohoo! Feliz Navidad temprano, amigos!

Mumford and Sons- "Sigh No More." Listen to it, and be happy.

sunlight beams burst in my eyes
and i see light beams in black-infested skies

well my heart isn't pure
but it's known by something deeper
who sees the blackness and the light collide

crying, my heart is crying
because it was made to love in the blackness,
set free because of the sun amongst the blackness.

smattered in the mud of our feet
upside down covered in ash soot and filthy street
we learn to be blind in the blackness.

but when my sun-battered eyes, weak yet trying
see through the film of the world that is lying
i am whole in an impure heart that is
willing.

made to be
made to love
made to meet our maker.

are you free?




I just had the best hour-long "car porch" with my beautiful sister Becca. I swear, it's like whenever i need it the most, she always brings up the right things to talk about and do that leave me feeling completely myself again. The world is right even if i have three finals left and im getting sick and I'm tired and homesick and confused about stuff. I think the only way the world makes sense is if you figure out why you're here with the people you're with. I think we are supposed to love. Becca and I were listening to the band Mumford and Sons and they have an ohmygosh-worthy song called "sigh no more," which inspired the poem above. Here are the lyrics that floored me:

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
And you know me
And you know me

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be.

When I heard the last verse, I was honestly speechless because I think about that ALL THE TIME. Love will not betray you, dismay you, or enslave you, it will SET YOU FREE because in loving, we are being who we were made to be. We are not perfect, our hearts are not pure, but the beauty of love is that it unites us with our maker, simultaneously making us free and who we are supposed to be. Only love, that is the only way to live. I've really been trying to love lately. Love is one of the most difficult, if not the most difficult thing I think we all have to do. Love in its raw and unadorned form is brutal, it's exhausting, and at some points completely belittling. Loving people, I have often found, results in being lonely sometimes. Because when you understand how selfless love works, you give so much of yourself to other people who don't understand you. Love is not immediately fired back at you. Sometimes when you give so much of yourself for other people, you're left feeling empty and worse than before. That's when you have to realize that love is not a trap. It's not an enslavement and love will never leave you alone. Because we were created by the SOURCE of love. God made us to love. It's a gift to understand that, and even more of a gift to be able to live how we were ought. Love should not dismay you, will not betray you or enslave you, because love SETS YOU FREE. It's freedom in its purest form. How free am I, that I can love, I can share myself, my heart and my mind with the WORLD, and not be burdened by waiting for something in return. Love alone is a reminder that I am not alone. I am never alone when I choose to be free.

I love to watch the world. Have you ever actually watched the sun set? Or noticed when the light glints off the top of a building or behind a bus stop bench? I love the world, I hope I never lose the awe I have for what we're given.

Becca Feeks did not have to drive all the way to Marymount today to see me. But she did. And when I got in the car, she handed me a bag and said "it's a survival kit." Yes, sir. In that bag there was beef jerky, twizlers, a LUNCHABLE, a blue monster, a pack of gum, and bag of goldfish, and camel crushes. I DON'T DESERVE HER. But I'm awfully glad I have her :]

I did all my laundry today. It;s a good thing because today I was on my last pair of underwear and I have begun to live in sweats because I hadn't done my laundry since I got back from Thanksgiving break. I have honestly lived in the library for about a week. Wanna know how much sleep I have lost in the past week and a half? All of it. Between tuesday and wednesday, I wrote 20 pages [two papers], a powerpoint, got a thesis for my english final [which i owned today], AND read my philosophy assignments. I am a library rockstar.

[God] storm us awake.

settle in me like a storm.
break the burn in my soul.
peacelike wandering calls my name
through snowlit dusks.

canvased smiles harbor nothing behind them.
worldshaken and brittleskinned,
we chafe against our own purposes,
supergluing our resolutions together like spider webs against a film grain.

break the ice between our fingers,
shoot the bridge between our eyes,
we are droughted unknowingly with
desire for our skin to be pored for perspective.

nonsense has begun to make sense.
that is our downfall,
that is the burning in my soul,
the teeth-breaking quiet before Your storm.

song of the day= lay me down by the dirty heads.

It's been far too long since I've had a good blog sesh.

Today, I went on a solo adventure. Let me preface my adventure by saying that last sunday afternoon in freezing cold South Bend Indiana, I was in the car and got a text. I opened my phone and the screen was blank. White. Like casper. Sooo I was like hm. That kinda sucks... I turned it off, took out the battery, etc etc. It improved somewhat. The background and everything showed up... upside down and backwards. Then it went white again. Suffice it to say, my phone bit the dust. Flying back here to DC and being on a college campus are both difficult without a phone. It's not making my day. Soooo I adventured to a full-service verizon store in Pentagon City today.
To get to Pentagon, you have to take the orange line metro to Rosslyn, then transfer to the blue line going towards Franconia/Springfield and get off at Pentagon City. I did it all by my lonesome. It made me feel like a big kid.
Once I got to the Pentagon City mall, I went to the verizon store and talked to a lady about replacing or fixing my phone. Well @#$%^&*(*&^%$@! my phone can't be fixed or replaced because its warranty expired, I'm not due for an upgrade, and I don't have insurance. Cool. Das awesome. I kinda had a mini pity party and ended up getting an ice cream cone at McDonalds. Do you know how great a McDonalds vanilla ice cream cone tastes when you're having a pity party about your phone being irresurrectable? It tastes awesome.

Jake Maz is serenading me over skype right now. Hi Jake. I love you. And your jam seshs.

I really, really appreciate whoever invented pockets. Think about it! Pockets are GENIUS. Whoever came up with them gets like eighty million candy canes. [If you didn't pick up that Mean Girls reference, just know that whoever invented pockets has a huuuge one-up on Glen Coco.]

If you haven't seen Harry Potter yet, SEE IT IN IMAX. It will rock your world.

It's sooooo blustery today! I feel like I'm in a Winnie the Pooh story. I liike it.

EMILY ROBINSON, I MISS YOUR FACEE!!!!!!

Chazzi is my hero because she eats lucky charms and pizza bread for dinner. Lindsay is my other hero because she mixes cocoa puffs and lucks charms and has coco charms. I'm beyond inspired.

I think it's hilarious when people shorten the word 'beverage' to 'bev.'

Dear finals week,
you are approaching rather rapidly. I am terrified of you.
Sincerely,
Mary Christeta.

I have to go get ready for work.
BUT here's my grateful-for list today:

stumbleupon.com-- it gets me through the worst of times.
study groups
running
sleep
ibprofin
friends friends friends friends!
valerie carnevale-- you are so good at encouraging me.
home
gum
POCKETS.


peace.