It's something, at least

Holy wow it's been forever since I've visited my little blog.

Today, it's sunny outside and the air is incredibly crispy and sharp like a whistle. It's days like this that make me miss my daily runs in Arlington, the windy streets and oh so many leaf-crunched, muscle-aching hills. When did I start letting chilly weather get in the way of what makes me so darn happy? Resolution: I shall resume running.

It's dawning on me that the end of this semester is rapidly coming to a close... finals week is a-coming! Oh boy. Good thing I'm only taking 3 classes right now.

I crave conversations about big things. I wish Becca were here. I want to read C.S. Lewis books out loud and scribble notes in the margins and discuss the complexities of life and death and the human mind and the love of God and drink a good beer while doing so. Someone should step forward and help me avert my crisis of having a people-void in my life. Rawr. I should stop being grumpy and ungrateful. There is a lot to be grateful for... time for a list? Alright.

I'm grateful for my zippy little car that never lets me down.

For unmatched socks
For good books and blank journal pages asking to be filled
For discounts
For work
For honest, true-blue, no-nonsense conversations
For sleep, no matter how little
For God.
For my tiny little adorable Turkish math professor. She makes me giggle every time.
For phone chargers.
For the good old world wide web.
For sound advice and fierce love.

Oh, dear life, sometimes you muddle my brain.

I'm procrastinating cleaning a bathroom right now. It's just not a fun job. But it must be done, so I'm gonna do it riiiight now.

Miscellany

Oh life, how you love to keep me guessing. I'm making fast friends with the fact that no two days are the same in my twisty little world.  I am astounded more and more every day at God's unrelenting grace, helping me choose a sunny attitude instead of being burdened by a self-imposed foggy outlook. He's got it all figured out, that Big Guy.

I just recently returned from a very full week in Northern Virginia. I went to my cousin Emily's lovely wedding, reunited with some long-lost faces, danced to top-40 songs, and had dance-offs with 5 year olds. Oh, weddings. Annnnd speaking of weddings, love is certainly in the air, because my oldest sister Rebecca was proposed to on Memorial Day by her wonderful fiance Billy. I'm so thrilled for them! Here's to a crazy 6 months of planning and gleeful anticipation of what I'm sure is to be one heck of a great wedding. What a cool thing.

I got accepted to IUSB today! Hahah, not like I had any worries of being rejected, but the reassurance that my near-future includes school is a very good one. I'm so excited to get back on that grind. Paper writing and wearing a backpack and being the new kid... it's gonna feel like the first day of kindergarden! (without the paper lunch bag with a note on a napkin from my mom.) I have every confidence, that come fall, my life will have morphed into what I've been slowly trudging towards. When I was in Virginia, as much as it was great to be back, I found myself missing South Bend. That, my friends, is something that I NEVER anticipated would happen. However, it sure does testify to the fact that my decision to move back here was a good one. I see so many bright and beautiful things happening in the near future, and many of them would not exist if I hadn't chosen to leave Virginia. I have hopes, maybe too many, but God is so neat, he probably has way better surprises waiting for me than I can imagine right now. I'm just excited for life, a feeling that's been a long time coming.

Come Monday, I'll be nannying mostly full-time again for the same wonderful little kiddies I had last summer. Only this time, there's a new addition to the family! I will now have seven of these adorable, very spirited, sometimes crazy but always wonderful kids. I'm so excited for the snotty-nosed hugs, getting attacked when I walk through the door with kids sitting on my feet curled around my legs and storybook reading before naptime. By no means am I saying that I won't be exhausted, because mark my words, I will be! I'll be nannying as well as continuing with my other 3 part time jobs, hahah. But hey! If the opportunities are there, why not scoop them up? My life won't be like this forever. I'm grabbing the bull by the horns.

Good books borrowed from friends
A huge pile of clean laundry that smells like a fluffy ducky
Rekindled friendships
Work
Being healthy
A morning off
Phone calls
Family
Day planners
Pens that work
Encouraging words
Fun happenings, however small
Driving to Cassopolis in the rain, detouring closed roads, and not getting lost

These are a few of my grateful-fors.

It's Saturday and sunny and the air outside feels so alive and alert, like even the trees and the sky are excited that summer's coming down the pike. Life is good today.

So Much is Changing

I can see it, little by little, my world being morphed. Morphed into what I have been aching for, subconsciously battling to see. There are struggles. A lot of them. Some inexplicably difficult to surmount.

On April 20, a good friend of mine fell and sustained spinal and neck injuries that led to her death 2 days later. This haunts me, bruises my heart and I ache to understand why she was taken from us. Linden Whitt was the one of the most beautifully genuine, wonderful, witty and truthful people that I have ever met. We went to Walt Disney Elementary together in fifth grade. She was in "Thinking Cap" with me and "Disney Dancers" and "Enrichment Plus." She was smart. So, so smart. She lit up the room. If you heard the expression, "maaaaan" from across the room, you knew it was her, and you'd smile. That's what she did, make people smile. All the time. She loved Fight Club and could probably recite the whole movie if you asked her to, she loved food. A lot. She loved people watching at WalMart and having bonfires. I learned a lot from her. I miss her terribly and I don't understand why her life was taken so early. She was so beautiful and taught so many people how to love and live with zeal and humor and to seek truth. But that's just it. She tattooed herself on thousands of hearts, what else can I be but grateful to have had her in my life? The Lord's got it all figured out and we don't. He had a reason for taking Linden, and I rejoice that she is with the Father. I can see Linden and Him having witty banter and high fiving. She's having a ball, I know it. Rest in peace, dear friend. I miss you every day.

I currently have 3 and a half part time jobs. Haha, I never thought I would have the problem of not having enough time, because until a few weeks ago, that was the opposite of my problem. I had way too much time on my hands. Now, in addition to my restaurant job [Monday, Thursday, Friday nights and double Saturdays], I nanny two boys Monday, Wednesday and Friday days and I care for an elderly [and i mean 99-year-old-elderly] man on Tuesday and Wednesday nights and twice on Sundays. I also have the occasional catering job. My life is nuts! The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that the Lord is providing for me like crazy! I am living here for a reason, and although initially I couldn't come to terms with it [because I was jobless and lonely and miserable], now I'm beginning to see the results of my trust in coming back here. I see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel [which will be me finally being able to afford my car and school in the fall.] It's all going to be okay. All is well, even if I'm exhausted and sometimes grumpy. I have support in every direction. I get to spend tons of time with two adorable little boys who make me laugh and give me unlimited hugs. I get to learn from a man who's been alive for almost a century and get to read him his own books that he's written and learn about his amazing life story. I'm making friends at work and I just don't feel as alone as I did. That's a big thing. It's a constant lesson for me that life won't always feel like a happy little bubble. Especially at my lowest lows, I forget that it's a conscious choice to be happy sometimes. Emotions are a wonderful and terrible thing. It's laughter versus self-depreciation and isolation. Always choose laughter. It makes the devil angry and it makes you happy. Win-win, kids. [Now we'll just have to see about how good I am at taking my own advice]. There are constantly things that we can second-guess, over-analyze, worry about or be discouraged by. [I ended that sentence with a preposition and I will not fix it.] But, at least today, I am shaking everything off. Life is life and sometimes the future is too fuzzy for you to fret about the now. So, all is well. Living alive is the best you can do. It's the best I can do. To be the me-est me and to let laughter come easily and let your worries trail behind. It's a new day, every day.

What i am grateful for today:

 -In two weeks, I get to go back to DC and see so many lovely people that I miss all the time.
-I can afford a car in less than a month. YAYAYAYAYY.
 -Valerie and Matt are getting married and I'm so excited.
-Two people held the door for me today. Chivalry exists!
 -My mom, happy early mothers day!
-Employee discounts
 -Gas Stations
-Shoes with good traction. I no longer ice skate on the slippery restaurant kitchen floors!
-Bobby pins.
 -C.S. Lewis [he's on my list every time]
-God.
 -Conversation.
-My life.

Ta da! I'm done with the word-vomit for today. It had been forever since I posted anything, though, and writing what I think is therapeutic.
Shout out to my Friend Katie Anne who is en route to Ghana as we speak! Be safe and have the time of your life, Frannie.

I'm done now. All is well. I like today, even though it's cloudy. Cheers.

Food for Thought

So during my first year of college, Valerie sent me a little book called "God Calling," and it's essentially 365 entries, one for each day of the year. Each entry is titled, and each has something specific to say. Most of the entries revolve around scripture. The one for today was really cool and so I thought I would share it.

Hold Your Fort

Remember that My followers are to be a peculiar people, separated from among others. Different ways, a different standard of living different customs, actuated by different motives. Pray for Love.
Pray for My Spirit of Love to be showered on all you meet. Deal with yourself severely. Learn to love discipline.
Never Yield to one point that you have already won. Discipline, discipline. Love it and rejoice-rejoice. Mountains can be removed by thought. Rejoice.

Pretty nifty, I think. I like to think about dealing with myself severely. It's so true, you totally have to. I definitely need to be my own slave-driver sometimes, but it always pays off. Just thought I'd share that entry. I love my little book.

Contemplation... and Aslan.

It's Good Friday. What else better to do than to contemplate the goodness of our existence and the profound sacrifice of Christ with a little help from C.S. Lewis? I've recently made the resolution to re-read the Chronicles of Narnia books. I read all of them in a book club back in the dinosaur days, but it's time that I reinforce my great appreciation for the books with a little revisit to Narnia. I do have the entire series on audio, but I wanted the real thing, so I went around the house and rounded up my paperbacks.
It's amazing how much more the books mean to me both spiritually and intellectually now that I'm older. I'm so excited to get Clive back in my life. Plus, Aslan is the man.

I finished A Separate Peace yesterday. Fannntastic book. I wasn't sure where it was headed because kind of throughout the book, you're trying to pin down a solid plot, but in the end, everything makes tragic sense and you're left wanting more. I highly recommend the read. Its only like 200 pages.

I don't wanna work today. Womp womp. This restaurant business is kinda like going to kindergarden with a lot of adults. But there are no naps involved. And the only finger painting is when you pick up a salad and accidentally stick your hand into the side of dressing. Nevertheless, I will soldier on because by golly I am getting paid for this. Let's all cross our fingers that people feel like being generous tippers tonight.

I wonder how much it costs to make road signs. The other day, I saw about 5 in a row that said "Left lane must turn left." They were literally one behind the other. Frivolous, I tell you.

This is one of the only sunny Good Fridays I can remember.

Have you ever noticed that you're only REALLY hungry on the days you're supposed to fast? On a normal day, I would do just fine but the knowledge that I'm not supposed to eat very much is making mah tummy growl.

I have it in my mind to go sit on the roof and think deep things. I think I will.

So, on this Good Friday, I am contemplative about the undeserved sacrifice that Christ made for us in dying on the Cross. I think of Mary, watching her own son have nails pounded into his feet and hands. I think of all of Christ's friends, the people who loved him, who watched Christ suffer, our God in the flesh. He chose to suffer that we may live. His love for us conquers death, and the resurrection of Christ is the reality of life-- that it only begins on earth. I am sorrowful today, but on Sunday, Christ is risen, and in that, I find insurmountable joy.

Dreary Friday.

I'm reaching an all time low with ideas of how to make money. I just listed some of my old handbags on craigslist. Thinking about walking dogs... banging on people's doors to demand that I babysit their children. This is true entrepreneurship.

There's been a steady drizzle today. The kind where all you wanna do is sink underneath your covers and sleep until the next ice age rolls around. [And then sleep summore, because who wants to be awake during an ice age?] I should do some dishes, throw in some laundry... vacuum, clean my room, put on some people clothes... Oh my.

On the other foot, I'm reading a really great book. It's called A Separate Peace by John Knowles. I recommend it.

Who has a car they wanna give me for free?

My brother is blasting The Killers and singing along loudly.

Pleh. Maybe I'll write more later, but I need to go be responsible and stuff.

resolution.

Thousands of sewing machines, tapping urgently and beckoning.
The sound of the after-midnight train i hear three blocks away.
It's laced with the tracks, pummeling too fast, willing me to wander away from here.
In my mind, I lurch ten miles a minute,
melting into the steel facade of its escape, wanderlusting and captivated.
But I know that it is more wise to be still.
I'll fasten myself to the mundane present, and take comfort in my mind that, ten miles a minute away, my destination peers through fog-burdened trees.

Sweet Solace.

I'm sitting in Starbucks drinking an iced vanilla coffee with a perfect little splash of milk. It's a dreary day now, but this morning, despite the wet sidewalks and my soggy back patio smeared with ashes from the sad little fire pit, the skies were crystal clear and the sun was warm. I let it seep into my face for a while.

My brothers are all on their school ski trip and it's just me today. I like days like this. Mostly because I can shamelessly belt out Jason Aldean and Miranda Lambert songs without getting reprimanded.

I'm listening to "With or Without You" by U2. I love this song.


This past weekend was ridiculously cool. My cousin got married and the weekend was just one huge celebration. A ton of people from Northern Virginia came in town and I got to see a lot of sorely missed faces. For some reason, although the fact that I wasn't getting in a car for the ten hour ride back to VA was very bittersweet, this weekend gave we a weird sort of closure. A lessened urgency to sprint back to NOVA as soon as I can. I felt more settled. Only God coulda done that, lemme tell ya. I've spent the past three months tapping my fingers, pining away a little for my old [yet, strangely very newfound] home. I'm fine. More than fine. I'm grateful to be here. WOAH.

This week is so symbolic of transition for me. I start my job tomorrow. My parents aren't here this week so it's such an independent push towards a way more productive, grateful existence here in South Bend.

I love that I'm going to the grocery store after this to buy tomato paste for the chili that's sitting halfway made on the stove at home.

Random thought, is there a noun version of the word "profound?" Profundity? Hey, that was a guess but there's no red squiggle under it, so apparntly that's a real word. How fancy.

I love that yesterday, I found a pair of jeans that fits just right.

I love that in less than two weeks, I'll be romping around deserts and canyons with Valerie, my soulbestfriend.

I love that I got to porch with Anna, my lovely cousin from Virginia who I missed like the dickens.

I love friendly baristas.

I love that I am so loved by everyone I know. Or even people who I don't know.

I love that I'm driving our monstrous van everywhere and people at stoplights prolly expect to see a haggard old man driving it instead.

I love my brothers, as crazy as they are or no matter how mad they can make me, I can't even keep a straight face around them because they're way too funny for their own good.

I love the irony that it's Fat Tuesday and I'm just not hungry at all.

I love my tennis shoes.

I love that i just caught myself subconsciously mouthing the words to the mushy Spanish love song playing at Starbucks. Prollem-- don't know the song and definitely not much Spanish. Kudos to this white girl for being so subconsciously and racially secure.

Valerie and I might be able to go to Salvation Mountain!!!! If you don't know what that is, please go culture yourself and read or watch Into the Wild. However, I will help your imagination a little:




Salvation Mountain is, according to its official website, "Leonard Knight's tribute to God and his gift to the world with its simple yet powerful message: "God Is Love." Leonard Knight was a Korean War veteran by the age of 20, then after taking a summer-long road trip from Vermont with his brother, he ended up in San Diego. His sister talked to him about the Lord all the time and he never really felt comfortable with it. But one day when he was 35, while he was sitting in his van, for some reason he found himself repeating the Sinner's Prayer, "Jesus, I'm a sinner, please come upon my body and into my heart." And from that day on, he was dedicated to spreading the Lord's love. He tried a lot of ways to get people's attention and it wasn't until years later that he had an idea to build a monument. It started out as a concrete slab and some paint, but he kept adding stuff to it and piling junk and old cars and pouring cement and paint on it and it became Salvation Mountain. All over it are quotes from scripture and "God is Love." It's just really really cool. I really hope I get to see it. The mountain is like flower child meets Jesus. All you need is love, people! Winkyface.

Today, I discovered that world peace would be achieved if only people spent their days in the sunshine, sitting on a concrete stoop, wearing flannel pj pants, listening to good music and smoking good cigarettes. Can you tell how I started my day?

Life is good, it's rainy now but I don't care. I'm having a horrible hair day, my socks don't match [always the case, though], I kinda have to go potty and I don't know what else to cook for dinner aside from chili. Salad? Mayhaps. However, I am loved, I am grateful, life is doing this cool twisty turny thing where I don't quite know what's gonna happen next and I'm choosing to find adventure in the uncertainty. Happy Tuesday, people. I hope today you can muster the grace to feel the sunshine even though it's hiding behind grumpy old clouds.

I'm loved.

Ive been avoiding writing a blog post for a real long time. And I have a confession to make, It's because I'm scared. I'm scared and frustrated and lonely and confused and I feel out of place. I haven't felt like there's been anything noteworthy to say unless it was to rant on with self-pity.

But I want to get out of this stupid rut.

In December, I made a lot of radical decisions. The most important being my leaving school for a while and moving back home with my parents in Indiana.
I never thought I would be the person that had to explain to other people why I was't in school. This was never part of my mind's big plan for my life. I was going to finish undergrad with flying colors and never look back, feel accomplished, and then start trying to figure out my life from there. Well, that's not how it happened.

I figured out that time is a goofy thing. I've been so impatient [and kinda still am] to get to the next phase in life-- I want to finally turn 21, I want to finally have the guy I've been dreaming of, I want to travel already, I wanted to live where I wanted, I want to have a life that's free from constraints. Well, folks, it doesn't work that way. No sir.

In the past two months, I've learned that life can truly test your limits. There are so many times when I want to give up, spend the day in my bed, not talk to anyone, to shut down and be angry because this isn't what I planned and I feel empty and friendless and purposeless. I've been looking for a job since mid-December and I still haven't gotten one. I had an interview last week and they said they would contact me by today's date if they chose to hire me. They never called.

So what do I do? I'm struggling a lot with being proactive, doing stuff, because I don't feel like there's anything to do or any people to be with.

I don't have any crazy revelations or super inspiring messages to share.
But I do know that I am loved. I am so graced by God to have the parents and friends that I do, however far away they are, who care about me tirelessly and who are always there when I need to talk to them. Physically, I feel very alone. But when I decide to be the party pooper on my own pity session, I realize that spiritually and technically, I'm surrounded by love. I have two incredible parents who have quickly become my best friends. I have a wonderful soul friend who is willing to donate frequent flyer miles so I can adventure with her to Arizona in March. I have two older sisters who are incredibly diligent in keeping up with my life and who love me so much. I am so grateful for the people in my life, no matter how far away they are. They're in my heart always.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's no easy way to do this. I'm here. I'm jobless. I'm lonely and frustrated. But I know this has a purpose. It's not for nothing, no matter how hard I try to get away from it, it feels right. I can only have trust at this point, and it's getting me through. Trust, and the undeniable fact that I am abundantly loved.

Anthony.

You know one of the beauties of nannying? Kraft mac n' cheese. Yum-o. I haven't eaten this stuff in forever... it was worth the giant stomach ache I have now, delish.

It's been a surreal few weeks in the life of Mary Christeta. After the craziness of finals week [which ensued with total lack of sleep, far too much coffee and nicotine, complete reliance on a constant stream of adrenaline and not enough real food...] I got home and immediately got super sick for about a week and a half. Testament to the whole reliance on adrenaline thing. I started feeling like half a person again by the time Christmas rolled around. It was weird without Becca home for Christmas, didn't feel right. I miss her! Becca's boyfriend got out family a "Christmas Story"-esque leg lamp, complete with packaging marked "FRAGILE" [fraaj-eel-ayy], very Italian indeed...

In the meantime, our family received the tragic news of the death of ten year old cousin Anthony Strauss, brother of Gloria Strauss [and six, soon to be seven, other siblings]. He died due to a tragic accident on December 29.

When I think about this, it feels like a weight, a too-heavy anchor, it gets hard to breathe. After losing Gloria four years ago to advanced cancer, this loss seems impossible, unreal, not fathomable. And yet, it's a reality. A terrible, horrendous, unthinkable tragic reality. Every part of me aches for the Strauss family. And yet, all I can do is pray and hope that I can help carry some of the weight that the family feels right now. I know that in their position, praying would be one of the hardest things to do. I cannot imagine. Thinking about it makes me want to throw up, hide away, run from it. No part of me understands this.

I'm staying with my Aunt's kids while she goes to Seattle to be with the Strauss family. At least I can help indirectly.

At this point, I can't feel sorry for myself anymore, nothing amounts to Anthony's death. My silly discomforts and dissatisfactions are abbbbsolutely fickle compared to what the Strauss family faces. I want to slap myself, wake up, finally figure out that none of this is real. I can't wrap my mind around the loss of a child, much less two. I'm so. sad.

Pray for the Strausses and little Anthony. I know Anthony and Gloria are together now, and the beauty of it is what keeps me from feeling insurmountably defeated.


Anthony on a friend's shoulders during Gloria's funeral holding a picture of her above his head.