I'm loved.

Ive been avoiding writing a blog post for a real long time. And I have a confession to make, It's because I'm scared. I'm scared and frustrated and lonely and confused and I feel out of place. I haven't felt like there's been anything noteworthy to say unless it was to rant on with self-pity.

But I want to get out of this stupid rut.

In December, I made a lot of radical decisions. The most important being my leaving school for a while and moving back home with my parents in Indiana.
I never thought I would be the person that had to explain to other people why I was't in school. This was never part of my mind's big plan for my life. I was going to finish undergrad with flying colors and never look back, feel accomplished, and then start trying to figure out my life from there. Well, that's not how it happened.

I figured out that time is a goofy thing. I've been so impatient [and kinda still am] to get to the next phase in life-- I want to finally turn 21, I want to finally have the guy I've been dreaming of, I want to travel already, I wanted to live where I wanted, I want to have a life that's free from constraints. Well, folks, it doesn't work that way. No sir.

In the past two months, I've learned that life can truly test your limits. There are so many times when I want to give up, spend the day in my bed, not talk to anyone, to shut down and be angry because this isn't what I planned and I feel empty and friendless and purposeless. I've been looking for a job since mid-December and I still haven't gotten one. I had an interview last week and they said they would contact me by today's date if they chose to hire me. They never called.

So what do I do? I'm struggling a lot with being proactive, doing stuff, because I don't feel like there's anything to do or any people to be with.

I don't have any crazy revelations or super inspiring messages to share.
But I do know that I am loved. I am so graced by God to have the parents and friends that I do, however far away they are, who care about me tirelessly and who are always there when I need to talk to them. Physically, I feel very alone. But when I decide to be the party pooper on my own pity session, I realize that spiritually and technically, I'm surrounded by love. I have two incredible parents who have quickly become my best friends. I have a wonderful soul friend who is willing to donate frequent flyer miles so I can adventure with her to Arizona in March. I have two older sisters who are incredibly diligent in keeping up with my life and who love me so much. I am so grateful for the people in my life, no matter how far away they are. They're in my heart always.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's no easy way to do this. I'm here. I'm jobless. I'm lonely and frustrated. But I know this has a purpose. It's not for nothing, no matter how hard I try to get away from it, it feels right. I can only have trust at this point, and it's getting me through. Trust, and the undeniable fact that I am abundantly loved.