Goooooood morning!
Today is my first day of classes back at Marymount after a 3 year sabbatical, during which I worked as a CNA and learned a lot about life, love, the peaks and valleys of hardship, mistakes and how my decisions affect the ones around me. It was a tumultuous journey, very messy at times, but not completely void of happiness. The past three years have been essential to my growth as a person, a daughter and as a friend. Frankly, for most of this time, I failed to be a trustworthy person to the people who love me the most. I made choices that tore down and damaged relationships, and in turn, I lost a lot of integrity and self-respect. I had been following a path that darkened my life and clouded my judgment, but by the grace of God, I am finally facing the sunlight.
Although I hate the person I was, I love the person I am becoming. Never have I felt such peace in my life. This has everything to do with letting go of the control that I thought I had over everything in my life and giving the reins completely over to the Lord. The illusion, the lie I was living; telling myself over and over that I was in control, when all the while I let myself be slave to circumstance and foolish whims. I had no control, I lived minute by minute, grasping at fleeting moments that seduced me with their guise of fulfillment, only to immediately be thrown on my face and be consumed with regret after I let myself be lured. The emptiness of how I lived makes me sick at heart. I was the Enemy's favorite playground. I gave him every opportunity to be my puppeteer. Only after stepping back and realizing with disgust at the grotesque way I was living, did I finally relinquish everything to God. The result is a freedom that I can only express as dazzling.
Confession, prayer, honesty, and willingness to heed wise advice have quite literally saved me. The Lord has acted so fully and immediately in every facet of my life, and there are no words to express my gratitude. I am the happiest, lightest, most Mary I have ever felt. My cup overflows with lust for life, for God, for true friendships and love. My heart is so open, it bleeds and gushes a waterfall of happiness. How blessed am I.
To be continued, I am going to run outside and smoke a cigarette before I try to learn some Nursing Fundamentals.
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