I. AM. BACK.

Hello from the depths of my extremely comfy sofa! It is January 11th 2021 and the world has not exploded yet, at least not literally. What a damn year we've lived, and honestly I feel like the struggle to stay ourselves and stay faithful to God and to our friends and not stray from everything important and holy and sacred is at a crucial point. There is SO much divide, so many voices in our ears telling us what they want us to hear, so many new things to fear. But hear this: BE STEADFAST. 

Be persistent in prayer, and keep alert as you pray, giving thanks to God.

Be persistent in prayer, yall. These are the break out the rosary times, the get on your knees times, the help the old lady across the street times. The go to church when you don't feel like it times, the pray your way to sleep, go out of your way to be kind, sing Jesus songs in praise times, the never lose hope in the goodness and grace of God times. Because what else can we do? What else do we have control over except how we can effect the people surrounding us? Make constant, deliberate, minute-to-minute choices to be the best version of yourself. It will probably make a bigger difference than you could ever imagine. These things tend to have a ripple effect.

In other news, hi! I'm back! Took me long enough. I haven't written in goodness knows how long, so bear with me as I re-acclimate to dumping my thoughts here in the little blog that could.

I won't bore you with the last year or two of my life happenings, except for saying that I've gained more nieces and being an aunt is the best thing on the planet. I'm a Godmother now! It is glorious and I am so in love.

I am in the process of doing a 1,000 piece puzzle that my brother-in-law got me for Christmas. Usually, I can do these babies in one sitting, but this one has me burning the midnight oil on day 3. See below...

 Not for the faint of heart, and most of it is ocean. But I shall conquer.

I don't have much brain juice tonight, but I promised myself that I would slap something on here to kickstart my new resolution-- at least 1 post a week for my sanity and re-ignition of my love for writing! So, dear reader, whoever you are (I may be addressing absolutely no one), gear up! 2021 has just begun, and so has my new lease on life and my renewed sense of loving life where I am. It's bound to be a fun, random, chaotic ride, but let's do this.

Trying to find my voice

Life lately has felt... hard. I continuously wrestle with these nagging feelings of discontent, the sense that I am not living up to my own standards. It's a nasty feeling, a constant, lingering bad taste in my mouth feeling. I love my job, although I can't do it forever-- I make very little money, but I found something that I'm truly great at doing. It's passion vs. priority. Can this job sustain and fulfill me? No. Unfortunately. Is it something that will always be there for me if I chose to go down a different path? Yes.

I struggle with being a multi-potentialite. If this phrase baffles you, I highly recommend watching this  TED talk. It's pretty wonderful. Basically, I have so many interests and would be so good at so many things, I have absolutely not been able to put myself in a box. I'd probably be better fit for a trapezoid or a rhombus.... or a freaking dodecahedron. Slap on a pretty raging case of adult ADHD, mild depression, and whimsy and you get me; I am a walking, beautiful disaster of ideas and inaction. Why do I feel paralyzed when I have soooooo much to offer? All my friends are doing great things, growing successful in their jobs, getting married, having babies, DOING their lives, and here I sit in my jammies at 1:45pm, procrastinating taking a shower before I go into my 3pm-11:30pm job, feeling like a failure. Why am I depressed? Why does it feel SO hard for me to DO things? I know I'd be happier if I somehow found the giddy-up to do some yoga or wake up early and take a walk, prioritize my prayer life instead of last minute "car-prayers," aka two minutes before pulling into work rattling off what I'm grateful for and asking that the Lord bless my day and the ones I interact with, that what I do during my day be for His glory, and speeding through an Our Father, some Hail Marys and daily offering prayers. And then always the Saint Michael prayer.

I should sit down and make time to actually BE with my prayer times every day.

I feel like I have an open mind and heart, that I have a willingness for change and growth in my life, but every time I explore my options, I run into a brick wall of dismay and disappointment. I feel like a car that's always gunning on fumes. I'll jet forward with a good amount of acceleration, only to start sputtering and stalling and breaking down before I even get started with my journey. Why? Is it because I lack initiative? Have I really been that weak that I've let other people or situations influence my decisions so much that now I have no voice? Am i simply afraid to be bold? Am I that terrified of what people think? Im I scared of rejection or being lonely?

I already feel very lonely in a lot of areas in my life. It cripples my will sometimes. I'm pretty good at setting my own traps. I wear my heart on my sleeve and let my mouth run when I'm feeling things and maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I'll save those rants for the pages of a journal or my keyboard.
I think I've created in the minds of my loved ones a general feeling of weariness. I am a broken record, I take the easy way out, I give up on challenges for more comfortable things. I settle.
These thoughts make me want to scream, to yell so loudly, yet my voice has a tired audience.
I haven't been my own agent, I have not made strong decisions, or maybe when I have, it hasn't appeared that I've been able to stick to my guns.
I hate disappointing people. I hate feeling weak. I hate that they can't understand the intensity of the burning I feel, the explosion of gumption and wonder and freedom and beauty and conviction that is a constant eruption just under the surface of my skin, buried just deep enough that it can't nudge its way past the front I assume when I humble myself to circumstance.


This is to be continued, I actually do need to go shower before work. But I promised myself I would try to write more. So this snippet is a start, I suppose.

God bless my day, and yours.

Walk the talk

It's 3:07am and I have laundry in the dryer and I have a car that is in desperate need of repair and a wart on my finger currently saturated in compound w and it hurts like a bitch and my floor in my room needs to be swept and I had a crazy evening at work and I'm breathless for MORE. Not more chaos, not more unrest, not more insecurity, not more life junk in my metaphorical life trunk. I am so on fire and hungry for more of what makes me ME. One tiny piece of that is writing, and I apologize to myself (because I know damn well that no one is reading this) for falling abysmally short in this regard. Fact is, I have skimped on so many things that make me and cultivate my existence. I'm literally living paycheck to paycheck, but I've lately realized that Ive let that reality become my personal MENTALITY. Like I, myself, my needs and goals also have started to adhere to this crazy business of "staying afloat." Well, crazy notion that has begun to gnaw away at my soul, I damn you to where you belong which is under my slightly sore feet. I am so determined, more than ever, to be, to live who I am regardless of outside circumstance or physical obstacle. My heart is just bursting and I've been quenching the fire for way too long. I'm ready, I'm actually ready to take on life without being afraid of what people think of me. I'm afraid of the undertaking, absolutely, but what the hell doin have to lose? More to come, I promise. Gah, I'm stoked for the future. So much is in my control when I let myself sit behind the steering wheel. Mentality shift-- all systems are go!

Courage, Dear Heart.

It's 4:42 and I can't help it,
I don't know what to do when I am so 
foolishly, wonderfully, selfishly wrapped up in
you.
I called it off and I am having trouble justifying why,
I want to cancel out my reasons to make this equation
an easy solve.
Truth is, I am so in love it hurts and he 
he still has my whole heart,
this irony is still my epiphany, yet it makes it
impossible to breathe.
Why erase the only thing that kept me breathing in the first place?

I battle with the why's, I can feel his sorrow,
I hear it in my ears like a bad song on a loop,
I feel his pain as mine refuses to wane.

Still, I have to be brave if this is for the best,
I cannot bear the moments in between my unrest
when I let myself think of the absence of him.

I know he waits. I know I do.

But treating the symptoms never cured the disease, 
there are things we have to do that neither 
one nor the other can appease.

it must be mutually exclusive.

There's a dark poetry in this pain
because amidst the blackness, this total abyss,
we both have much to gain.

i won't sell myself short.

I am starting out by saying that I have so much to be grateful for-- steadfast, amazing parents who amidst their own daily struggles would bend over backward and lasso the moon for me if I needed it, the best, most steadfast loving man I could ever hope to have is mine and he is the sweetest friend I've ever had, I am living independently, there is a little bit of food in my fridge/cabinets that will get me through the week (even though for the past few days, my diet has consisted of a bagel, leftover pizza, smoothie juice and lots of h2O), uber exists, I am aliiiive.

I had about a 5 minute conversation with my boss, and I mean the boss of my boss's boss today. When he took me aside, I at first thought that I was in trouble haha, because in the full year I've worked at this place, he and I haven't exchanged much more than hellos. To my surprise, however, he wanted my opinions on how things were going at work, wanting my insight as to how things could look better, emphasizing that he wants me to further my goals and recognizing that they certainly don't stop here. I was so encouraged. He gave me some very high compliments on how I do my job and made it clear that I was crucial to how the place is supposed to run. I felt free to express myself to him in that moment, both technical details on how a shit should operate, but also my personal expectations, goals and hopes. It all made me start to wonder "am I selling myself short?" I found something my heart is 100% in and that I'm incredibly good at, but the professional tier level I'm at is basic. It's a stupi thing that I've gotten the education I have this far and have learned so much and gotten so good at a concentration that I can't get credentials for. I'm wrestling with a stalemate. I LOVE my job. But I can't teach other people to have a passion, that's what this job needs is a heart that is willing and open and desirous to serve. It's a disposition, and to be good at the job, you have to go beyond the job description on paper. Memory care is so different than typical CNA work. So, so different. I chalk it up to parenting practice, because I have learned how to be patient in the weirdest, most stressful of times, I've gotten pushed to my absolute limit. Yet, I've managed to keep my cool and be graceful. It's a GIFT. I don't want to waste it or sell myself short. I have so many desires to further my education, keep myself in this field, do so many things... And no money or open avenues to do tht yet. So for now, I'll keep excelling at what I'm good at, keep an eagle eye open, and keep being prayerful. I refuse to sell myself short.

Grace

I've been thinking about the gift of grace a lot lately.
Work takes a ton out of me, emotionally and physically. In addition to feeling exhausted all of the time, I'm preoccupied with billions of other things. Work feels like my life, but the truth is, I've been so overwhelmed with things outside of work that I don't feel like I have the time or energy to address. I want to spend more time with my dad who doesn't have a ton of structure in his days. His latest stroke was the scariest thing I've ever experienced. He is leaps and bounds ahead of where he could have been, but I want to have the time to spend days with him doing stuff before I go to work. My car is a hot mess-- the brakes are failing and my two front tires are more bald than Mr. Clean and one of them is nearly flat. I work all weekend through Wednesday, I have a doctors appointment on Monday morning to discuss results of a CT scan that I had done, I'm anxious about my car getting me from point A to B, I was going to hve my car towed to the shop this morning but the tow truck people "got busy" even though I set up a pickup ahead of time, ergo, my car is still a ticking time bomb. My friend Valerie is having a birthday party for her son who I haven't even met yet and I can't go, my future "cousin in law" has a bridal shower that I can't go to either.... The list feels so heavy. And full of negatives. I feel like none of my time is my own. I'm struggling so much to stay positive and have a servant's heart. Honestly, I'm very grateful for my job because when I'm there, I can immerse myself in the lives of my residents and commit my time to being their helper. But when I'm not within those walls, I start feeling so overwhelmed by the unaddressed things in my life that I haven't had time or don't get time to do or accomplish or experience. I'm fighting resentment and anger and restlessness and fatigue. But at the end of the day, especially when I get happy texts from a friend or hear Stephen offering to take me to work and get brake fluid for my car or my mom texting me randomly or a person I haven't seen in eons tell me that I'm beautiful inside and out and asks about my day, I realized how love I am and how valuable the gift of grace is. Grace is accepting yourself where you are, accepting your limitations and humbly being grateful for the people and situations the Lord provides you with. God knows where you are, he knows your heart and all of its desires. He will not let you down. I have to keep steadfastly believing that this is a season of life that will only make me better, stronger, more faithful and grateful for the things I have. There is a ton I need to address and accomplish, but I also have a ton of wonderful people who love me and who will be on my sidelines and beside me when the going is tough. I am not alone. I AM NOT ALONE. And that's a beautiful thing. Grace is the reason why I can love, move forward, have peace, and accept the struggle. I know this post had so many typos and was basically a giant run-on sentence, but such is my brain-flow today. I'm determined to not be defeated by my disappointments, and instead to pursue my every day in this life season with humility, grace, determination and hope. I'm casting away the spirits of guilt, shame, and self-loathing. I can't afford the infiltration. Grace is not a get out of jail free card, it is a sanctified, precious, humbly accepted, beautiful thing.u

Be free

Today, I felt like... Well, I did, fall short on personal and inttrpersonal expectations from the get-go. My insomnia kicked my butt. I cancelled plans so I could sleep, I was tardy to work, everything started out completely wrong. But I got a text from my mom (who is one of the several that I let down today) that said "Mary, don't be overly anxious about things today-- I know where your heart is. Be free. I love you."
She totally set me free. She didn't excuse me, but she didn't blame me either. She gave me the freedom to deal with what I am/was going through, and the freedom to accept the grace comes with failure. Moms are the BEST. And my mom envokes and embodies Christ. My cup overflows.

My work day was crazy. Everything went beautifully until about 6:30. My residents were fed, my dishes were cleared, all my residents were (or seemed to be) in a happy, post-dinner, I'm-full-let-me-sit-and-enjoy-my-carb-coma-nonchalance mode. Then I heard it. The unmistakeable "fall" sound. I knew a chair had been toppled over, I was just praying to God that one of my residents was not occupying said chair. Boy, was I wrong. In the literal two seconds it took for me to run the ten feet over to the source of the noise, all bets were off. I had a resident on the floor with blood pooling from his head. I was RIGHT THERE, how could I not have prevented it?! But there he was, still in his chair, but toppled sideways on the floor with drool streaming out from the corner of his mouth and trembling from the impact of the fall. I took a half look at the underside of his head that hit the floor and realized oh shit, call the EMTs. Head wounds can look exaggerated, they bleed profusely no matter the severity. But this one was the most extreme I have seen. I lifted his head to put a towel underneath, and the blood from the gash steadily streamed like the source was an open faucet tap. I do not exaggerate. So, with bath towels steadily saturating with blood, I sat with this man still crumpled in his toppled chair on the floor while I waited for some more backup so I could safely sit him and prop him up in order to apply some pressure to the bleeds. The ambulance was soooooooo quick to arrive, and with the EMTs, several firefighters as well. I felt very "triage" and professionally nursey with my gloved hands and bloodied towels and (to my slight chagrin, my own bloodied sneakers) as I informed the personnel about the incident and my resident's history. I was secretly amused at the somewhat subtle but easily recognizable surprise on the many burly and hulky emergency-men's faces when I was able to mostly lift and stand up this 6 foot tall dead weight resident of mine so they could get him on the gurney. Being a CNA builds lots of muscles, people, and you learn how to lift in sometimes seemingly impossible and weird ways. Our backs may suffer but our biceps remain!

Said resident is thriving after this incident, and I have since gotten bigger (actually smaller, yet feisty and combative) new fish to fry in terms of new admits. Im glad I'm good at my job. And I'm blessed to feel honored to do it. These are my elders and they deserve all the respect in the world for what they have and are currently experiencing.

I'm getting really good at handling dementia. Is there a specific career I can pursue straight from cna to expertise here? I have so much insight. So much advice. So much love and understanding for this population.

Who knows. I am blessed and honored to do what I do.