Grace

I've been thinking about the gift of grace a lot lately.
Work takes a ton out of me, emotionally and physically. In addition to feeling exhausted all of the time, I'm preoccupied with billions of other things. Work feels like my life, but the truth is, I've been so overwhelmed with things outside of work that I don't feel like I have the time or energy to address. I want to spend more time with my dad who doesn't have a ton of structure in his days. His latest stroke was the scariest thing I've ever experienced. He is leaps and bounds ahead of where he could have been, but I want to have the time to spend days with him doing stuff before I go to work. My car is a hot mess-- the brakes are failing and my two front tires are more bald than Mr. Clean and one of them is nearly flat. I work all weekend through Wednesday, I have a doctors appointment on Monday morning to discuss results of a CT scan that I had done, I'm anxious about my car getting me from point A to B, I was going to hve my car towed to the shop this morning but the tow truck people "got busy" even though I set up a pickup ahead of time, ergo, my car is still a ticking time bomb. My friend Valerie is having a birthday party for her son who I haven't even met yet and I can't go, my future "cousin in law" has a bridal shower that I can't go to either.... The list feels so heavy. And full of negatives. I feel like none of my time is my own. I'm struggling so much to stay positive and have a servant's heart. Honestly, I'm very grateful for my job because when I'm there, I can immerse myself in the lives of my residents and commit my time to being their helper. But when I'm not within those walls, I start feeling so overwhelmed by the unaddressed things in my life that I haven't had time or don't get time to do or accomplish or experience. I'm fighting resentment and anger and restlessness and fatigue. But at the end of the day, especially when I get happy texts from a friend or hear Stephen offering to take me to work and get brake fluid for my car or my mom texting me randomly or a person I haven't seen in eons tell me that I'm beautiful inside and out and asks about my day, I realized how love I am and how valuable the gift of grace is. Grace is accepting yourself where you are, accepting your limitations and humbly being grateful for the people and situations the Lord provides you with. God knows where you are, he knows your heart and all of its desires. He will not let you down. I have to keep steadfastly believing that this is a season of life that will only make me better, stronger, more faithful and grateful for the things I have. There is a ton I need to address and accomplish, but I also have a ton of wonderful people who love me and who will be on my sidelines and beside me when the going is tough. I am not alone. I AM NOT ALONE. And that's a beautiful thing. Grace is the reason why I can love, move forward, have peace, and accept the struggle. I know this post had so many typos and was basically a giant run-on sentence, but such is my brain-flow today. I'm determined to not be defeated by my disappointments, and instead to pursue my every day in this life season with humility, grace, determination and hope. I'm casting away the spirits of guilt, shame, and self-loathing. I can't afford the infiltration. Grace is not a get out of jail free card, it is a sanctified, precious, humbly accepted, beautiful thing.u