Life lately has felt... hard. I continuously wrestle with these nagging feelings of discontent, the sense that I am not living up to my own standards. It's a nasty feeling, a constant, lingering bad taste in my mouth feeling. I love my job, although I can't do it forever-- I make very little money, but I found something that I'm truly great at doing. It's passion vs. priority. Can this job sustain and fulfill me? No. Unfortunately. Is it something that will always be there for me if I chose to go down a different path? Yes.
I struggle with being a multi-potentialite. If this phrase baffles you, I highly recommend watching this TED talk. It's pretty wonderful. Basically, I have so many interests and would be so good at so many things, I have absolutely not been able to put myself in a box. I'd probably be better fit for a trapezoid or a rhombus.... or a freaking dodecahedron. Slap on a pretty raging case of adult ADHD, mild depression, and whimsy and you get me; I am a walking, beautiful disaster of ideas and inaction. Why do I feel paralyzed when I have soooooo much to offer? All my friends are doing great things, growing successful in their jobs, getting married, having babies, DOING their lives, and here I sit in my jammies at 1:45pm, procrastinating taking a shower before I go into my 3pm-11:30pm job, feeling like a failure. Why am I depressed? Why does it feel SO hard for me to DO things? I know I'd be happier if I somehow found the giddy-up to do some yoga or wake up early and take a walk, prioritize my prayer life instead of last minute "car-prayers," aka two minutes before pulling into work rattling off what I'm grateful for and asking that the Lord bless my day and the ones I interact with, that what I do during my day be for His glory, and speeding through an Our Father, some Hail Marys and daily offering prayers. And then always the Saint Michael prayer.
I should sit down and make time to actually BE with my prayer times every day.
I feel like I have an open mind and heart, that I have a willingness for change and growth in my life, but every time I explore my options, I run into a brick wall of dismay and disappointment. I feel like a car that's always gunning on fumes. I'll jet forward with a good amount of acceleration, only to start sputtering and stalling and breaking down before I even get started with my journey. Why? Is it because I lack initiative? Have I really been that weak that I've let other people or situations influence my decisions so much that now I have no voice? Am i simply afraid to be bold? Am I that terrified of what people think? Im I scared of rejection or being lonely?
I already feel very lonely in a lot of areas in my life. It cripples my will sometimes. I'm pretty good at setting my own traps. I wear my heart on my sleeve and let my mouth run when I'm feeling things and maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I'll save those rants for the pages of a journal or my keyboard.
I think I've created in the minds of my loved ones a general feeling of weariness. I am a broken record, I take the easy way out, I give up on challenges for more comfortable things. I settle.
These thoughts make me want to scream, to yell so loudly, yet my voice has a tired audience.
I haven't been my own agent, I have not made strong decisions, or maybe when I have, it hasn't appeared that I've been able to stick to my guns.
I hate disappointing people. I hate feeling weak. I hate that they can't understand the intensity of the burning I feel, the explosion of gumption and wonder and freedom and beauty and conviction that is a constant eruption just under the surface of my skin, buried just deep enough that it can't nudge its way past the front I assume when I humble myself to circumstance.
This is to be continued, I actually do need to go shower before work. But I promised myself I would try to write more. So this snippet is a start, I suppose.
God bless my day, and yours.
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