I got to spend my weekend with the only and only super-Valerie Carnevale. She astounds me sometimes. She is always go-go-go, doing so much for other people all the time. I have dubbed her the serial babysitter because she babysits ALL THE TIME but it's always for different people. What a champion. Despite her crazy, never-ending to-do lists and work projects, she somehow always finds time to be a thinker. That sounds weird, but it's such a rare thing. Think about it, most times we get so wrapped up in life and work and social lives and drama and everything else in this crazy world that we forget to stop and reflect and think and get back to the simple stuff. The stuff that makes us who we are, the reasons why we are here and the causes and effects of our thoughts and actions. A lot of the time I get frustrated with myself because I think I might spend more time being a thinker than being a doer. Val has a good balance, I admire her so much for that.
Did you know that 36,000 people in the United States quit their jobs and maxed out their visa cards because the world was supposed to end on Saturday? They hate themselves now.
I spent the day with Annie yesterday in Bloomington! We talked and window shopped and people watched and had a great time. We also went out to lunch with Jonathan which was hilarious. I learned the "shimmy-changa" [since, as we all know, if you don't know what a chimichanga is, you simply declare that it sounds like "shimmy" changa and turn it into a dance that can only be done while sitting in a Mexican restaurant..]. Entertaining, fun, happy. Annie has round 1 of her CPA exams today, pray for her!! That test is a beast, it won't be very nice.
I don't really feel rooted right now. I can't really explain it, but I just constantly feel like I'm going through the motions, constantly faking it till I make it because I'm not joyful, at all. This isn't a pity story or a sob session, it's just flat out reality-- I feel like something's missing. Normally, I can go through the day with a smile just because I'm alive but right now, I feel like I'm forcing everything. I feel really suffocated but I don't know why or what's causing it. I know I need more prayer in my life, that definitely should be my first step. It's so easy to let ourselves forget that God is the ultimate knower. He knows EVERYTHING about you. The good things and the bad, the things that make you happy and the things you're ashamed of. He also loves you, to an inexplicable, beyond understanding, astonishing level. We cannot even comprehend his love. He let his son DIE, watched him be nailed to a cross and suffer for OUR sins. Us, human beings, the ones who spend all our savings and quit our jobs because we think the world is ending. The ones who screw up chronically, every day, who are flawed. But he loves us, beyond all of our mistakes and regrets. That is enough. It should always be enough for us. His love is the beginning and the end. In him, we are FREE. Completely free and able to be who we were MEANT to be. His sons and daughters, living in love because His love is why we exist. I want to give it all to Him-- My free-falling feelings, my loneliness, my anxieties, my fears & my doubts. He makes them irrelevant, outshines them with his unrelenting grace. I need to let Him in, I want to let him in. I want to let him take the steering wheel, because I feel like I'm swerving into a lane of oncoming traffic, always coming too close to a collision. He's the best driver around. I'll let him take the wheel, let him take me through the back roads, the ones that I've fought and ignored, I'll sit and talk with him as we take the scenic route. I wanna let him in. I want to roll down the windows and feel my soul light as air because I can feel the sun kiss my face and the wind tangle my hair. It's all so beautiful, a life with God beside you. I'm gonna let him in.
I'm gonna be free today, I'll read some C.S. Lewis, go on a run, talk to Jesus and get right with my soul.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Gettin Stronger
Today I made a promise to myself to not be a slacker. I'm starting to feel like, as these gray South Bend days are sauntering by, I'm kind of letting them seep into my cognitive and emotional processes. After all, summertime should make you want to go out and DO STUFF, not sit around in sweats with perpetual messy-bunned hair waiting for the next way-too-sappy romcom to start. Which is kiiinda what I've been doing. Completely guilty. When my two mile run early this week practically kicked my butt [frustrating, after almost a whole semester in sunny-wonderful Northern Virginia of being in really good shape], I started thinking and realized that I should reeeaaally get a handle on myself before the summer slips by and I'm still sitting on my living room sofa wishing I was somewhere else. Nope. Not gonna let this pass me by. I'm going to run. A lot. I'm going to read C.S. Lewis books and keep thinking. I'm going to pray while I drink my coffee in the morning and maybe catch some sunrises. I'm gonna sit on my roof and lie under the stars because I can. I'm going to bond with old friends who I'm going to miss when I'm gone. I want this summer to fill me up, not bring me down.
I went on a good run today. The kind that leaves you aching and breathless at the end but still leaves you feeling like somehow, despite your physical fatigue, you can keep going. It started out rough though, not gonna lie. A mile in, I was miserable, but once your legs and body remember that old rhythm, you kind of feel unstoppable. I remembered how much I love running. How good it makes me feel. It's the cheapest high you'll ever get, people. I've gotten into the habit of running without music. It's enough with me in my head, much less having T-Pain fry my brain waves. I think when I run and sometimes I pray. I go through memories, come to realizations, and like myself better more every time I lace up my Asics and just go. Running therapy really is the best kind.
I saw this little boy playing in his driveway when I was riding my bike today [yes, I did kinda keep going after my feel-good run], and he was in a batman costume. It was way too small for him, and his diaper butt just made it even more funny. A lot of the time I wish I was still a little kid... then I remember that I totally still am. [When appropriate, of course.]
I miss my sisters a whole lot. Becca and Annie are like the dream team sisters. Seriously, I don't think I could be any more lucky to have them. Becca is the constant thinker, the self-knowing, incredibly wise, responsible friend who everyone appreciates and looks up to. Annie has the same independent, responsible and wise character. She is less out-spoken, not introverted, but kind of quiet in her confidence. She never draws attention to herself but she is incredibly worthy of it. That girl has a heart of gold. Becca is scatterbrained and Annie is organized, but they are both geniuses. Annie just graduated in 4 years with her masters degree in forensic accounting. III definitely didn't get that gene. And little miss Beccasmartypants is working in DC blowing everyone's minds with her wit and affinity for writing. Both of my sisters are so amazing. We are all so different but I catch myself feeling really proud when someone tells me I remind them of either Becca or Annie. They're pretty rad role models if you ask me. I love them both dearly.
My mom just came into my room humming the Puff the Magic Dragon theme song. I love that woman.
It's Saturday night, know what that means? In the Feeks household [Feeks is plural in this case because as far as I know, all of my Dad's siblings and parents partake in this weekly tradition] it is hamburger night. Rain or shine, sleet or snow, without fail, my daddy is at the grill at approximately 6:30 grilling his famous Mikey Feeks burgers while Ore-Ida french fries are in the oven. I actually can't remember a Saturday night without hamburgers. You can tell my dad comes from a military family because at approximately 5:45, either he or one of my little brothers is making his way around the house making a list of who wants what kind of cheese on their burger or if they want just a plain hamburger. Everyone gets says much the same thing every week, but I'll be darned if he doesn't need his list. My dad is famous [small town, ya know? Hahh, not really] for his hamburgers and hot wings. You better believe that my junior-in-high school brother John and his friends storm my home on Friday nights pleading with my father to blow their minds yet again with his buffalo wing expertise. Whatta guy. I love him.
Uhp, dinner time! Yumyum, you should be envious. This is going to be delicious.
Life is good today, I'm choosing to be happy. To be grateful and thoughtful and not throw my days away. After all, each one's different and time doesn't wait. Ever.
p.s. Did you know that there's a museum of strawberries in Belgium? I didn't. But my Snapple cap sure did.
I went on a good run today. The kind that leaves you aching and breathless at the end but still leaves you feeling like somehow, despite your physical fatigue, you can keep going. It started out rough though, not gonna lie. A mile in, I was miserable, but once your legs and body remember that old rhythm, you kind of feel unstoppable. I remembered how much I love running. How good it makes me feel. It's the cheapest high you'll ever get, people. I've gotten into the habit of running without music. It's enough with me in my head, much less having T-Pain fry my brain waves. I think when I run and sometimes I pray. I go through memories, come to realizations, and like myself better more every time I lace up my Asics and just go. Running therapy really is the best kind.
I saw this little boy playing in his driveway when I was riding my bike today [yes, I did kinda keep going after my feel-good run], and he was in a batman costume. It was way too small for him, and his diaper butt just made it even more funny. A lot of the time I wish I was still a little kid... then I remember that I totally still am. [When appropriate, of course.]
I miss my sisters a whole lot. Becca and Annie are like the dream team sisters. Seriously, I don't think I could be any more lucky to have them. Becca is the constant thinker, the self-knowing, incredibly wise, responsible friend who everyone appreciates and looks up to. Annie has the same independent, responsible and wise character. She is less out-spoken, not introverted, but kind of quiet in her confidence. She never draws attention to herself but she is incredibly worthy of it. That girl has a heart of gold. Becca is scatterbrained and Annie is organized, but they are both geniuses. Annie just graduated in 4 years with her masters degree in forensic accounting. III definitely didn't get that gene. And little miss Beccasmartypants is working in DC blowing everyone's minds with her wit and affinity for writing. Both of my sisters are so amazing. We are all so different but I catch myself feeling really proud when someone tells me I remind them of either Becca or Annie. They're pretty rad role models if you ask me. I love them both dearly.
My mom just came into my room humming the Puff the Magic Dragon theme song. I love that woman.
It's Saturday night, know what that means? In the Feeks household [Feeks is plural in this case because as far as I know, all of my Dad's siblings and parents partake in this weekly tradition] it is hamburger night. Rain or shine, sleet or snow, without fail, my daddy is at the grill at approximately 6:30 grilling his famous Mikey Feeks burgers while Ore-Ida french fries are in the oven. I actually can't remember a Saturday night without hamburgers. You can tell my dad comes from a military family because at approximately 5:45, either he or one of my little brothers is making his way around the house making a list of who wants what kind of cheese on their burger or if they want just a plain hamburger. Everyone gets says much the same thing every week, but I'll be darned if he doesn't need his list. My dad is famous [small town, ya know? Hahh, not really] for his hamburgers and hot wings. You better believe that my junior-in-high school brother John and his friends storm my home on Friday nights pleading with my father to blow their minds yet again with his buffalo wing expertise. Whatta guy. I love him.
Uhp, dinner time! Yumyum, you should be envious. This is going to be delicious.
Life is good today, I'm choosing to be happy. To be grateful and thoughtful and not throw my days away. After all, each one's different and time doesn't wait. Ever.
p.s. Did you know that there's a museum of strawberries in Belgium? I didn't. But my Snapple cap sure did.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Awake & Alive. [with the help of frivolous amounts of maxwell house]
Today I got up early! I mean, it wasn't by choice because I have to work in approximately 40 minutes, but nevertheless, I am alive, awake, and alert. I am also on my 3rd mug of black coffee. Reheated. I learned from my dad to drink my coffee black. In addition to being positively YUMMY, I love how low-maintenance and easy it is. And you can just keep reheating it... I think I've learned to ignore the fact that my coffee tastes burnt a lot of the time.
I'm sore today from running-- a welcome feeling after having done nothing productive for weeks on end. I'm committing it to myself now, I am going to be in good shape this summer. There really is no excuse not to be.
This post is super short but I have to leave for work soon. I just wanted to start the day off right, start my mind moving and rev myself up for nannying 6 kids under the age of 9. Let the circus begin!
I'm sore today from running-- a welcome feeling after having done nothing productive for weeks on end. I'm committing it to myself now, I am going to be in good shape this summer. There really is no excuse not to be.
This post is super short but I have to leave for work soon. I just wanted to start the day off right, start my mind moving and rev myself up for nannying 6 kids under the age of 9. Let the circus begin!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Calm--Not Speed.
My wonderful friend Valerie mailed me a book of daily meditations during the middle of this past semester. It's full of some really awesome stuff and helps me think and pray a lot about my life. I wanna share today's excerpt.
"In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength"- Isaiah 10:15
All agitation is destructive of good. All calm is constructive of good, and at the same time destructive of evil. When man wants evil destroyed so often he rushes to action. It is wrong. First, be still and know that I am God. Then act only as I tell you. Always calm with God. Calm is trust in action. Only trust, perfect trust can keep one calm. Never be afraid of any circumstances or difficulties that help you to cultivate this calm. As the world, to attain, must learn speed, you, to attain, must learn calm. All great work for Me is first done in the individual soul of the worker.
This really made me think. A lot. The part that talks about man wanting evil destroyed but rushing quickly to action struck me especially. Because isn't that instinctual for a lot of us? If something upsets us, we want something done about it right away. Our instinct is not to turn the other cheek, if you will. We want to call out the people who offend us. We want to justify ourselves by taking immediate action and retaliating. But this meditation gave me something to think about. When put in a situation where you feel wronged, or want to retaliate against something-- don't act. Instead, just listen. Be calm. I think "calm" takes a really deep meaning here. It's not just sitting and counting to ten in order to blow off steam. This calm is a spiritual calm. This calm goes hand in hand with TRUST in God. Trust that he can handle stuff a thousand times better than we can. Trust that acting on our emotions and "intuition" isn't always the brightest idea. God is the man. God is the ultimate voice of reason. We are God's workers. What else is our job if not to first TRUST him, because he brought us here. He didn't have to. We were given this unbelievably awesome gift of LIFE and the ability to love. How dare we think that we're in charge? How dare we think that we have it figured out? We don't. At all. Which is why seeking solace, true calm in God, is one of the most important steps in building a life in Him.
It's not easy. I'm not saying I'm a pro... at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure I suck at it. It takes a lot of humility. Swallowing your pride and crawling like a child towards God is sometimes what it takes. But oh, how much more rich, beautiful, and lovely would our lives be if we constantly trusted instead of just acting on anger or emotion.
I'm pretty sure it's impossible to calm a storm with another storm.
You can't fight fire with fire or stop a flood with a rainstorm.
The only way to live is to trust, to find God's peace. Be calm. Slow down. God's plan of action is probably way better and more rewarding than yours.
Just stop and listen. Don't try and calm a storm with a storm. Let God take over.
"In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength"- Isaiah 10:15
All agitation is destructive of good. All calm is constructive of good, and at the same time destructive of evil. When man wants evil destroyed so often he rushes to action. It is wrong. First, be still and know that I am God. Then act only as I tell you. Always calm with God. Calm is trust in action. Only trust, perfect trust can keep one calm. Never be afraid of any circumstances or difficulties that help you to cultivate this calm. As the world, to attain, must learn speed, you, to attain, must learn calm. All great work for Me is first done in the individual soul of the worker.
This really made me think. A lot. The part that talks about man wanting evil destroyed but rushing quickly to action struck me especially. Because isn't that instinctual for a lot of us? If something upsets us, we want something done about it right away. Our instinct is not to turn the other cheek, if you will. We want to call out the people who offend us. We want to justify ourselves by taking immediate action and retaliating. But this meditation gave me something to think about. When put in a situation where you feel wronged, or want to retaliate against something-- don't act. Instead, just listen. Be calm. I think "calm" takes a really deep meaning here. It's not just sitting and counting to ten in order to blow off steam. This calm is a spiritual calm. This calm goes hand in hand with TRUST in God. Trust that he can handle stuff a thousand times better than we can. Trust that acting on our emotions and "intuition" isn't always the brightest idea. God is the man. God is the ultimate voice of reason. We are God's workers. What else is our job if not to first TRUST him, because he brought us here. He didn't have to. We were given this unbelievably awesome gift of LIFE and the ability to love. How dare we think that we're in charge? How dare we think that we have it figured out? We don't. At all. Which is why seeking solace, true calm in God, is one of the most important steps in building a life in Him.
It's not easy. I'm not saying I'm a pro... at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure I suck at it. It takes a lot of humility. Swallowing your pride and crawling like a child towards God is sometimes what it takes. But oh, how much more rich, beautiful, and lovely would our lives be if we constantly trusted instead of just acting on anger or emotion.
I'm pretty sure it's impossible to calm a storm with another storm.
You can't fight fire with fire or stop a flood with a rainstorm.
The only way to live is to trust, to find God's peace. Be calm. Slow down. God's plan of action is probably way better and more rewarding than yours.
Just stop and listen. Don't try and calm a storm with a storm. Let God take over.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
This.
I've really never wanted anything more than this. A continuation of life. A total freedom of expression of who I am without fear of being judged or being worried about what other think because only one thing matters. All or nothing. To the end. I am myself, fearlessly, because I know it's all okay. It's all gonna be okay. Jesus knows my heart, my soul, my motives, my values, my stipulations. He's on my side every step of the way. He'll never leave. Ever. He's my number one. Whatever he says goes. I'm fearless when I'm walking in his light. Lord, help me never stray from it. Wisdom, be my guide, Jesus, keep me in the light. Just keep me where the light is. My genuine hopes are your desires. You will give me the desires of my heart. Help time be a blessing, not a burden. Help my mind grow, my good judgement never wane, my spirit never fade and my heart grow stronger in my love for the Father as I continue with this beautiful life. Pray for those who struggle. Advocate the sufferers, the strangers, the wanderers. Be the light. Pray to be the light, to understand how to keep the flame alive. Because, really, I've never wanted to feel so alive. I burn for this.
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