It's so hard to maintain an equilibrium, isn't it? Especially for people [like me, and probably you] who have demanding work or school schedules, so much expected of you, and in turn you expect so much from yourself. And then emotions and personal relationships enter the crazy fray and there are moments when you stop and realize that you feel caught; this crazy web of expectations, the personal urge to be your best self, the duty of friendship to other people, being accountable for your actions, and being responsible for curtailing rash reactions to adversity…. it all suddenly comes to a head and if you've thought you've been overwhelmed before, you laugh to yourself because you've finally realized how hard it is to be an adult.
I am struggling. I have so much on my mind, so many things I want to shout out loud, so many things I want to be able to fix, so many people I want to talk to face to face, I want that one shoulder to cry on and that face to look at and the comfort of being in the presence of someone who gets it. I want to scream and laugh and argue and sob and dance, all of these things out loud, but circumstance and geography hold me back and hinder me so unfairly to be able to do these things how I want, with the people I want. I could punch so many things, I could drink myself numb, but nothing will outweigh or deafen the blaring fact that I am solely responsible for the wellness of my heart. I cannot run, nor can I hide from anything that is happening. I would be foolish, oh, and I have been, more times than I care to count, to think that I can stifle and silence my struggles. I have learned fairly recently that facing and addressing hardship, head on and boldly and soberly, is actually the easy way out. It is so much more painful and grievous and poisonous to allow your problems or concerns or sadnesses or angers fester to the point of self destruction. I could be a spokesperson on "keeping it all in," and I'll cut to the chase when I say that it's not worth it and it doesn't work. You hurt yourself and the people around you, and you magnify your pain.
I realize I've gone on a professional tangent.
Bottom line is, I am currently face-deep in crazy school assignments and exams and papers and meetings and relationship struggles and feeling isolated and written-off. I am struggling immensely with finding my equilibrium. Everything that pertains to us is personal. My relationships are personal, my schoolwork performance is personal. How then to prioritize how to feel? Emotions abound. Schoolwork has expressed a vengeance that I have never known, yet personal relationships that have a grip on my heart are constantly in the back or forefront of my brain and I seem to be unable to isolate my attention.
Hi, I'm Mary, and I'm a puddle of anxiety, stress, glimmers of hope, and exhaustion.
I need to be able to focus. On studies, on relationships, on self-love, all separately yet simultaneously. I love a good challenge, but today this feels like an impossible feat.
I'll end by saying that I know God is good and he wants to give me the desires of my heart. The only way that I'll be able to forge ahead is by trusting God with my body and soul and heart that he provides and he is good, and he will not let anything come my way that I can't handle.
I'll offer up my anxiety and confusion and feelings of defeat for the gazillions of people in the world that have way more to worry about than I do.
Shoot some prayers or good vibes my way as I embark on another arduous week of nursing school bedlam.
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