It's so hard to maintain an equilibrium, isn't it? Especially for people [like me, and probably you] who have demanding work or school schedules, so much expected of you, and in turn you expect so much from yourself. And then emotions and personal relationships enter the crazy fray and there are moments when you stop and realize that you feel caught; this crazy web of expectations, the personal urge to be your best self, the duty of friendship to other people, being accountable for your actions, and being responsible for curtailing rash reactions to adversity…. it all suddenly comes to a head and if you've thought you've been overwhelmed before, you laugh to yourself because you've finally realized how hard it is to be an adult.
I am struggling. I have so much on my mind, so many things I want to shout out loud, so many things I want to be able to fix, so many people I want to talk to face to face, I want that one shoulder to cry on and that face to look at and the comfort of being in the presence of someone who gets it. I want to scream and laugh and argue and sob and dance, all of these things out loud, but circumstance and geography hold me back and hinder me so unfairly to be able to do these things how I want, with the people I want. I could punch so many things, I could drink myself numb, but nothing will outweigh or deafen the blaring fact that I am solely responsible for the wellness of my heart. I cannot run, nor can I hide from anything that is happening. I would be foolish, oh, and I have been, more times than I care to count, to think that I can stifle and silence my struggles. I have learned fairly recently that facing and addressing hardship, head on and boldly and soberly, is actually the easy way out. It is so much more painful and grievous and poisonous to allow your problems or concerns or sadnesses or angers fester to the point of self destruction. I could be a spokesperson on "keeping it all in," and I'll cut to the chase when I say that it's not worth it and it doesn't work. You hurt yourself and the people around you, and you magnify your pain.
I realize I've gone on a professional tangent.
Bottom line is, I am currently face-deep in crazy school assignments and exams and papers and meetings and relationship struggles and feeling isolated and written-off. I am struggling immensely with finding my equilibrium. Everything that pertains to us is personal. My relationships are personal, my schoolwork performance is personal. How then to prioritize how to feel? Emotions abound. Schoolwork has expressed a vengeance that I have never known, yet personal relationships that have a grip on my heart are constantly in the back or forefront of my brain and I seem to be unable to isolate my attention.
Hi, I'm Mary, and I'm a puddle of anxiety, stress, glimmers of hope, and exhaustion.
I need to be able to focus. On studies, on relationships, on self-love, all separately yet simultaneously. I love a good challenge, but today this feels like an impossible feat.
I'll end by saying that I know God is good and he wants to give me the desires of my heart. The only way that I'll be able to forge ahead is by trusting God with my body and soul and heart that he provides and he is good, and he will not let anything come my way that I can't handle.
I'll offer up my anxiety and confusion and feelings of defeat for the gazillions of people in the world that have way more to worry about than I do.
Shoot some prayers or good vibes my way as I embark on another arduous week of nursing school bedlam.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Is it a snow day tomorrow, or is this just my insomnia?
Yes, yes yes!!! I have a snow day tomorrow! Oh, bless you, wimpy Northern Virginia and your fear of 5"snowfall forecasts. The Indiana girl in me want to scoff and chuckle at how silly it is to cancel university classes for an entire day because of a "daunting" forecast, but since five inches of snow and 15 degree lows are record-breaking here in the DC metro area, who am I to complain? I have a ten page microbiology research paper due on Friday that I have yet to give my undivided attention. What better way to spend a snow day than to be in my jammies drinking way too much coffee and writing a report on antibiotic resistant bacteria? If you think of one, let me know. [Okay, yes, I can think of an abundance of brilliant alternatives, but school-duty calls].
Two more days until Spring Break! My destination: colder-than-here, Indiana. Home, home, home! Home to my parents and hilarious little [but way taller than me] brothers and Stephen (favorite person, #1, boyfriend, best pal) and open spaces and CORNFIELDS sprinkled with snow [more likely they will be wilted and soggy-brown] and my old room and my house that is always freezing because my dad believes in layering as opposed to big heating bills! I can hardly wait. I am a large research paper, a 3 hour Nursing lab, one micro lecture and a ten hour drive away from where my heart is.
For now, I should try and get this sleep-starved body to sleep so that I can write my paper tomorrow and then be as lazy as I can for the rest of the day.
GAH can't wait for home. Love and hugs and lack of traffic! (I should stitch that on a pillow, damn the DC traffic and its evil ways.)
10-4!
Two more days until Spring Break! My destination: colder-than-here, Indiana. Home, home, home! Home to my parents and hilarious little [but way taller than me] brothers and Stephen (favorite person, #1, boyfriend, best pal) and open spaces and CORNFIELDS sprinkled with snow [more likely they will be wilted and soggy-brown] and my old room and my house that is always freezing because my dad believes in layering as opposed to big heating bills! I can hardly wait. I am a large research paper, a 3 hour Nursing lab, one micro lecture and a ten hour drive away from where my heart is.
For now, I should try and get this sleep-starved body to sleep so that I can write my paper tomorrow and then be as lazy as I can for the rest of the day.
GAH can't wait for home. Love and hugs and lack of traffic! (I should stitch that on a pillow, damn the DC traffic and its evil ways.)
10-4!
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Nursing Student Woes: the first of many rants and stories about being in nursing school
Aside from the initial eye-squinty cringe that overtook my face due to the bad color scheme I've got going on here as I opened the page to revisit neglected blog, I also realized how truly neglected it is! For someone who truly loves to write their thought-vomit down as a form of self-medicating, I am going to make another attempt to update frequently.
Nursing school is rumbling along, with every stressful and hilarious circumstance that accompanies the nature of the beast. Seriously, are we all crazy to be doing this?! I'm convinced that I am either a complete moron, clearly the most clueless student in the world, or this stuff is actually really freaking hard to learn.
I hope it's the latter, because I'm paying good money to not understand half of what my microbiology professor is lecturing so nonchalantly about.
So, I had some adventure-y happenings last week, albeit stress-crying was briefly involved, things worked out, like they always do.
[Back story: I went to this university for nursing in 2010- halfway through the 2011-2012 semester. Leaving halfway through your sophomore year is not something I recommend for anyone, but if you're a nursing student, I hope you get as lucky as I did to have somehow magically been able to start right where I left off, 3 years later. So, there you have it, my 23 year old self, more gray from three years of working in restaurants and as a CNA (Lord, I could write a book about being one, best thing Ive ever done), is back in the saddle as a super-sophomore nursing student, hell bent on getting that BSN.]
So, that should kind of get you up to speed. If you're reading this and if you're a nursing student, or have been one, you probably know that in order to start clinicals, you basically have to scrounge up and sign away your entire life's health history to the school/institution, in addition to paying way too much for background checks and drug tests that you don't need. (I mean, seriously, can't you pleeeeeeease trust me when I say that I have never committed a felony, I am not a pedophile, and I don't snort anything, shoot anything up, nor will I pilfer any medical weed from my cancer patients?! The lack of trust, I tell ya…) Needless to say, I did not have all of my life's health history documentation at the ready, nor did i have a magical Mary Poppins bag from which to retrieve it. Alas, I had to spend about 72 hours collectively on the phone with a vast amount of people in Indiana (home state, represent) in order to track down my immunization records, flu shot records, physical forms, etc. so that I could get them faxed to me. Then I had to pay and arm and a little bit of my soul to get a renewed CPR certification, a physical (walk-in clinics be damned! I walked out a broke soul, I did), and a lithe more here and there and everywhere. (I should say that this is all pretty much happening on the wednesday and thursday before my first friday clinical…) The kicker was that with the exception of one tiny detail, I had everything set and ready to go to clinical. I was so exhausted and proud of myself for actually getting all my shit together, and wouldn't you know it, I get an email saying I couldn't go the next morning because I didn't have a chicken pox vaccination. [IVE ALREADY HAD CHICKEN POX OMG]. So that was a little bit distressing. I cried a little bit, then turned to my friend Cabernet Savignon who always seems to be able to make it better.
Moral of the story-- make sure that if you're coming in in the middle of a school year, that you find out about any crucial paperwork you need to have in order to actually do the schooling you're paying for. I got lucky and the first clinical was orientation and i didn't miss anything. There's also a make up day, praise Jesus. However, too close of a call for me. CabSav won't always be able to come to the rescue! Keep your ear to the ground, people.
Aside from the occasional snafu (totally my bad, by the way, I take full responsibility for not being on my game), nursing school is truly exciting. I'm starting to see the light at the end of this grievously long tunnel I've driven myself into, and I'm so excited for the future!
Also, to all the CNAs out there who are studying nursing, how GREAT will our geriatric rotation be?! Look out, world, I am no stranger to the smell of C-Diff! When it comes to dealing with poop, all of the poop, we are masters, all of us.
Nursing school is rumbling along, with every stressful and hilarious circumstance that accompanies the nature of the beast. Seriously, are we all crazy to be doing this?! I'm convinced that I am either a complete moron, clearly the most clueless student in the world, or this stuff is actually really freaking hard to learn.
I hope it's the latter, because I'm paying good money to not understand half of what my microbiology professor is lecturing so nonchalantly about.
So, I had some adventure-y happenings last week, albeit stress-crying was briefly involved, things worked out, like they always do.
[Back story: I went to this university for nursing in 2010- halfway through the 2011-2012 semester. Leaving halfway through your sophomore year is not something I recommend for anyone, but if you're a nursing student, I hope you get as lucky as I did to have somehow magically been able to start right where I left off, 3 years later. So, there you have it, my 23 year old self, more gray from three years of working in restaurants and as a CNA (Lord, I could write a book about being one, best thing Ive ever done), is back in the saddle as a super-sophomore nursing student, hell bent on getting that BSN.]
So, that should kind of get you up to speed. If you're reading this and if you're a nursing student, or have been one, you probably know that in order to start clinicals, you basically have to scrounge up and sign away your entire life's health history to the school/institution, in addition to paying way too much for background checks and drug tests that you don't need. (I mean, seriously, can't you pleeeeeeease trust me when I say that I have never committed a felony, I am not a pedophile, and I don't snort anything, shoot anything up, nor will I pilfer any medical weed from my cancer patients?! The lack of trust, I tell ya…) Needless to say, I did not have all of my life's health history documentation at the ready, nor did i have a magical Mary Poppins bag from which to retrieve it. Alas, I had to spend about 72 hours collectively on the phone with a vast amount of people in Indiana (home state, represent) in order to track down my immunization records, flu shot records, physical forms, etc. so that I could get them faxed to me. Then I had to pay and arm and a little bit of my soul to get a renewed CPR certification, a physical (walk-in clinics be damned! I walked out a broke soul, I did), and a lithe more here and there and everywhere. (I should say that this is all pretty much happening on the wednesday and thursday before my first friday clinical…) The kicker was that with the exception of one tiny detail, I had everything set and ready to go to clinical. I was so exhausted and proud of myself for actually getting all my shit together, and wouldn't you know it, I get an email saying I couldn't go the next morning because I didn't have a chicken pox vaccination. [IVE ALREADY HAD CHICKEN POX OMG]. So that was a little bit distressing. I cried a little bit, then turned to my friend Cabernet Savignon who always seems to be able to make it better.
Moral of the story-- make sure that if you're coming in in the middle of a school year, that you find out about any crucial paperwork you need to have in order to actually do the schooling you're paying for. I got lucky and the first clinical was orientation and i didn't miss anything. There's also a make up day, praise Jesus. However, too close of a call for me. CabSav won't always be able to come to the rescue! Keep your ear to the ground, people.
Aside from the occasional snafu (totally my bad, by the way, I take full responsibility for not being on my game), nursing school is truly exciting. I'm starting to see the light at the end of this grievously long tunnel I've driven myself into, and I'm so excited for the future!
Also, to all the CNAs out there who are studying nursing, how GREAT will our geriatric rotation be?! Look out, world, I am no stranger to the smell of C-Diff! When it comes to dealing with poop, all of the poop, we are masters, all of us.
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