Sweet Solace.

I'm sitting in Starbucks drinking an iced vanilla coffee with a perfect little splash of milk. It's a dreary day now, but this morning, despite the wet sidewalks and my soggy back patio smeared with ashes from the sad little fire pit, the skies were crystal clear and the sun was warm. I let it seep into my face for a while.

My brothers are all on their school ski trip and it's just me today. I like days like this. Mostly because I can shamelessly belt out Jason Aldean and Miranda Lambert songs without getting reprimanded.

I'm listening to "With or Without You" by U2. I love this song.


This past weekend was ridiculously cool. My cousin got married and the weekend was just one huge celebration. A ton of people from Northern Virginia came in town and I got to see a lot of sorely missed faces. For some reason, although the fact that I wasn't getting in a car for the ten hour ride back to VA was very bittersweet, this weekend gave we a weird sort of closure. A lessened urgency to sprint back to NOVA as soon as I can. I felt more settled. Only God coulda done that, lemme tell ya. I've spent the past three months tapping my fingers, pining away a little for my old [yet, strangely very newfound] home. I'm fine. More than fine. I'm grateful to be here. WOAH.

This week is so symbolic of transition for me. I start my job tomorrow. My parents aren't here this week so it's such an independent push towards a way more productive, grateful existence here in South Bend.

I love that I'm going to the grocery store after this to buy tomato paste for the chili that's sitting halfway made on the stove at home.

Random thought, is there a noun version of the word "profound?" Profundity? Hey, that was a guess but there's no red squiggle under it, so apparntly that's a real word. How fancy.

I love that yesterday, I found a pair of jeans that fits just right.

I love that in less than two weeks, I'll be romping around deserts and canyons with Valerie, my soulbestfriend.

I love that I got to porch with Anna, my lovely cousin from Virginia who I missed like the dickens.

I love friendly baristas.

I love that I am so loved by everyone I know. Or even people who I don't know.

I love that I'm driving our monstrous van everywhere and people at stoplights prolly expect to see a haggard old man driving it instead.

I love my brothers, as crazy as they are or no matter how mad they can make me, I can't even keep a straight face around them because they're way too funny for their own good.

I love the irony that it's Fat Tuesday and I'm just not hungry at all.

I love my tennis shoes.

I love that i just caught myself subconsciously mouthing the words to the mushy Spanish love song playing at Starbucks. Prollem-- don't know the song and definitely not much Spanish. Kudos to this white girl for being so subconsciously and racially secure.

Valerie and I might be able to go to Salvation Mountain!!!! If you don't know what that is, please go culture yourself and read or watch Into the Wild. However, I will help your imagination a little:




Salvation Mountain is, according to its official website, "Leonard Knight's tribute to God and his gift to the world with its simple yet powerful message: "God Is Love." Leonard Knight was a Korean War veteran by the age of 20, then after taking a summer-long road trip from Vermont with his brother, he ended up in San Diego. His sister talked to him about the Lord all the time and he never really felt comfortable with it. But one day when he was 35, while he was sitting in his van, for some reason he found himself repeating the Sinner's Prayer, "Jesus, I'm a sinner, please come upon my body and into my heart." And from that day on, he was dedicated to spreading the Lord's love. He tried a lot of ways to get people's attention and it wasn't until years later that he had an idea to build a monument. It started out as a concrete slab and some paint, but he kept adding stuff to it and piling junk and old cars and pouring cement and paint on it and it became Salvation Mountain. All over it are quotes from scripture and "God is Love." It's just really really cool. I really hope I get to see it. The mountain is like flower child meets Jesus. All you need is love, people! Winkyface.

Today, I discovered that world peace would be achieved if only people spent their days in the sunshine, sitting on a concrete stoop, wearing flannel pj pants, listening to good music and smoking good cigarettes. Can you tell how I started my day?

Life is good, it's rainy now but I don't care. I'm having a horrible hair day, my socks don't match [always the case, though], I kinda have to go potty and I don't know what else to cook for dinner aside from chili. Salad? Mayhaps. However, I am loved, I am grateful, life is doing this cool twisty turny thing where I don't quite know what's gonna happen next and I'm choosing to find adventure in the uncertainty. Happy Tuesday, people. I hope today you can muster the grace to feel the sunshine even though it's hiding behind grumpy old clouds.

I'm loved.

Ive been avoiding writing a blog post for a real long time. And I have a confession to make, It's because I'm scared. I'm scared and frustrated and lonely and confused and I feel out of place. I haven't felt like there's been anything noteworthy to say unless it was to rant on with self-pity.

But I want to get out of this stupid rut.

In December, I made a lot of radical decisions. The most important being my leaving school for a while and moving back home with my parents in Indiana.
I never thought I would be the person that had to explain to other people why I was't in school. This was never part of my mind's big plan for my life. I was going to finish undergrad with flying colors and never look back, feel accomplished, and then start trying to figure out my life from there. Well, that's not how it happened.

I figured out that time is a goofy thing. I've been so impatient [and kinda still am] to get to the next phase in life-- I want to finally turn 21, I want to finally have the guy I've been dreaming of, I want to travel already, I wanted to live where I wanted, I want to have a life that's free from constraints. Well, folks, it doesn't work that way. No sir.

In the past two months, I've learned that life can truly test your limits. There are so many times when I want to give up, spend the day in my bed, not talk to anyone, to shut down and be angry because this isn't what I planned and I feel empty and friendless and purposeless. I've been looking for a job since mid-December and I still haven't gotten one. I had an interview last week and they said they would contact me by today's date if they chose to hire me. They never called.

So what do I do? I'm struggling a lot with being proactive, doing stuff, because I don't feel like there's anything to do or any people to be with.

I don't have any crazy revelations or super inspiring messages to share.
But I do know that I am loved. I am so graced by God to have the parents and friends that I do, however far away they are, who care about me tirelessly and who are always there when I need to talk to them. Physically, I feel very alone. But when I decide to be the party pooper on my own pity session, I realize that spiritually and technically, I'm surrounded by love. I have two incredible parents who have quickly become my best friends. I have a wonderful soul friend who is willing to donate frequent flyer miles so I can adventure with her to Arizona in March. I have two older sisters who are incredibly diligent in keeping up with my life and who love me so much. I am so grateful for the people in my life, no matter how far away they are. They're in my heart always.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's no easy way to do this. I'm here. I'm jobless. I'm lonely and frustrated. But I know this has a purpose. It's not for nothing, no matter how hard I try to get away from it, it feels right. I can only have trust at this point, and it's getting me through. Trust, and the undeniable fact that I am abundantly loved.