Sweet Solace.

I'm sitting in Starbucks drinking an iced vanilla coffee with a perfect little splash of milk. It's a dreary day now, but this morning, despite the wet sidewalks and my soggy back patio smeared with ashes from the sad little fire pit, the skies were crystal clear and the sun was warm. I let it seep into my face for a while.

My brothers are all on their school ski trip and it's just me today. I like days like this. Mostly because I can shamelessly belt out Jason Aldean and Miranda Lambert songs without getting reprimanded.

I'm listening to "With or Without You" by U2. I love this song.


This past weekend was ridiculously cool. My cousin got married and the weekend was just one huge celebration. A ton of people from Northern Virginia came in town and I got to see a lot of sorely missed faces. For some reason, although the fact that I wasn't getting in a car for the ten hour ride back to VA was very bittersweet, this weekend gave we a weird sort of closure. A lessened urgency to sprint back to NOVA as soon as I can. I felt more settled. Only God coulda done that, lemme tell ya. I've spent the past three months tapping my fingers, pining away a little for my old [yet, strangely very newfound] home. I'm fine. More than fine. I'm grateful to be here. WOAH.

This week is so symbolic of transition for me. I start my job tomorrow. My parents aren't here this week so it's such an independent push towards a way more productive, grateful existence here in South Bend.

I love that I'm going to the grocery store after this to buy tomato paste for the chili that's sitting halfway made on the stove at home.

Random thought, is there a noun version of the word "profound?" Profundity? Hey, that was a guess but there's no red squiggle under it, so apparntly that's a real word. How fancy.

I love that yesterday, I found a pair of jeans that fits just right.

I love that in less than two weeks, I'll be romping around deserts and canyons with Valerie, my soulbestfriend.

I love that I got to porch with Anna, my lovely cousin from Virginia who I missed like the dickens.

I love friendly baristas.

I love that I am so loved by everyone I know. Or even people who I don't know.

I love that I'm driving our monstrous van everywhere and people at stoplights prolly expect to see a haggard old man driving it instead.

I love my brothers, as crazy as they are or no matter how mad they can make me, I can't even keep a straight face around them because they're way too funny for their own good.

I love the irony that it's Fat Tuesday and I'm just not hungry at all.

I love my tennis shoes.

I love that i just caught myself subconsciously mouthing the words to the mushy Spanish love song playing at Starbucks. Prollem-- don't know the song and definitely not much Spanish. Kudos to this white girl for being so subconsciously and racially secure.

Valerie and I might be able to go to Salvation Mountain!!!! If you don't know what that is, please go culture yourself and read or watch Into the Wild. However, I will help your imagination a little:




Salvation Mountain is, according to its official website, "Leonard Knight's tribute to God and his gift to the world with its simple yet powerful message: "God Is Love." Leonard Knight was a Korean War veteran by the age of 20, then after taking a summer-long road trip from Vermont with his brother, he ended up in San Diego. His sister talked to him about the Lord all the time and he never really felt comfortable with it. But one day when he was 35, while he was sitting in his van, for some reason he found himself repeating the Sinner's Prayer, "Jesus, I'm a sinner, please come upon my body and into my heart." And from that day on, he was dedicated to spreading the Lord's love. He tried a lot of ways to get people's attention and it wasn't until years later that he had an idea to build a monument. It started out as a concrete slab and some paint, but he kept adding stuff to it and piling junk and old cars and pouring cement and paint on it and it became Salvation Mountain. All over it are quotes from scripture and "God is Love." It's just really really cool. I really hope I get to see it. The mountain is like flower child meets Jesus. All you need is love, people! Winkyface.

Today, I discovered that world peace would be achieved if only people spent their days in the sunshine, sitting on a concrete stoop, wearing flannel pj pants, listening to good music and smoking good cigarettes. Can you tell how I started my day?

Life is good, it's rainy now but I don't care. I'm having a horrible hair day, my socks don't match [always the case, though], I kinda have to go potty and I don't know what else to cook for dinner aside from chili. Salad? Mayhaps. However, I am loved, I am grateful, life is doing this cool twisty turny thing where I don't quite know what's gonna happen next and I'm choosing to find adventure in the uncertainty. Happy Tuesday, people. I hope today you can muster the grace to feel the sunshine even though it's hiding behind grumpy old clouds.

I'm loved.

Ive been avoiding writing a blog post for a real long time. And I have a confession to make, It's because I'm scared. I'm scared and frustrated and lonely and confused and I feel out of place. I haven't felt like there's been anything noteworthy to say unless it was to rant on with self-pity.

But I want to get out of this stupid rut.

In December, I made a lot of radical decisions. The most important being my leaving school for a while and moving back home with my parents in Indiana.
I never thought I would be the person that had to explain to other people why I was't in school. This was never part of my mind's big plan for my life. I was going to finish undergrad with flying colors and never look back, feel accomplished, and then start trying to figure out my life from there. Well, that's not how it happened.

I figured out that time is a goofy thing. I've been so impatient [and kinda still am] to get to the next phase in life-- I want to finally turn 21, I want to finally have the guy I've been dreaming of, I want to travel already, I wanted to live where I wanted, I want to have a life that's free from constraints. Well, folks, it doesn't work that way. No sir.

In the past two months, I've learned that life can truly test your limits. There are so many times when I want to give up, spend the day in my bed, not talk to anyone, to shut down and be angry because this isn't what I planned and I feel empty and friendless and purposeless. I've been looking for a job since mid-December and I still haven't gotten one. I had an interview last week and they said they would contact me by today's date if they chose to hire me. They never called.

So what do I do? I'm struggling a lot with being proactive, doing stuff, because I don't feel like there's anything to do or any people to be with.

I don't have any crazy revelations or super inspiring messages to share.
But I do know that I am loved. I am so graced by God to have the parents and friends that I do, however far away they are, who care about me tirelessly and who are always there when I need to talk to them. Physically, I feel very alone. But when I decide to be the party pooper on my own pity session, I realize that spiritually and technically, I'm surrounded by love. I have two incredible parents who have quickly become my best friends. I have a wonderful soul friend who is willing to donate frequent flyer miles so I can adventure with her to Arizona in March. I have two older sisters who are incredibly diligent in keeping up with my life and who love me so much. I am so grateful for the people in my life, no matter how far away they are. They're in my heart always.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's no easy way to do this. I'm here. I'm jobless. I'm lonely and frustrated. But I know this has a purpose. It's not for nothing, no matter how hard I try to get away from it, it feels right. I can only have trust at this point, and it's getting me through. Trust, and the undeniable fact that I am abundantly loved.

Anthony.

You know one of the beauties of nannying? Kraft mac n' cheese. Yum-o. I haven't eaten this stuff in forever... it was worth the giant stomach ache I have now, delish.

It's been a surreal few weeks in the life of Mary Christeta. After the craziness of finals week [which ensued with total lack of sleep, far too much coffee and nicotine, complete reliance on a constant stream of adrenaline and not enough real food...] I got home and immediately got super sick for about a week and a half. Testament to the whole reliance on adrenaline thing. I started feeling like half a person again by the time Christmas rolled around. It was weird without Becca home for Christmas, didn't feel right. I miss her! Becca's boyfriend got out family a "Christmas Story"-esque leg lamp, complete with packaging marked "FRAGILE" [fraaj-eel-ayy], very Italian indeed...

In the meantime, our family received the tragic news of the death of ten year old cousin Anthony Strauss, brother of Gloria Strauss [and six, soon to be seven, other siblings]. He died due to a tragic accident on December 29.

When I think about this, it feels like a weight, a too-heavy anchor, it gets hard to breathe. After losing Gloria four years ago to advanced cancer, this loss seems impossible, unreal, not fathomable. And yet, it's a reality. A terrible, horrendous, unthinkable tragic reality. Every part of me aches for the Strauss family. And yet, all I can do is pray and hope that I can help carry some of the weight that the family feels right now. I know that in their position, praying would be one of the hardest things to do. I cannot imagine. Thinking about it makes me want to throw up, hide away, run from it. No part of me understands this.

I'm staying with my Aunt's kids while she goes to Seattle to be with the Strauss family. At least I can help indirectly.

At this point, I can't feel sorry for myself anymore, nothing amounts to Anthony's death. My silly discomforts and dissatisfactions are abbbbsolutely fickle compared to what the Strauss family faces. I want to slap myself, wake up, finally figure out that none of this is real. I can't wrap my mind around the loss of a child, much less two. I'm so. sad.

Pray for the Strausses and little Anthony. I know Anthony and Gloria are together now, and the beauty of it is what keeps me from feeling insurmountably defeated.


Anthony on a friend's shoulders during Gloria's funeral holding a picture of her above his head.

Finals week memoirs: Monday

Dum da dummmmmmm. It's here folks! Finals week festivities have begun, kicked off with Sunday night paper writing which rolled into a 4am Monday morning. I'd say this is starting off splendidly.

You know, finals week is a funny thing. It's the be all end all of procrastination biting you in the booty. For a whole week, it is socially acceptable to look like a hoodlum, wear no makeup, not have matching clothes and pull all nighters to your heart's content, and no one judges you. It's a beautiful thing, really. I feel like I'm in my natural habitat. Life of a nursing major during finals week= adrenaline, coffee, puffy eyes and exhaustion giggle fits.

It's hard to think that in a week I won't even be in Virginia anymore... I literally have no idea how long I'm going to be gone. It breaks my heart... it's too abrupt an exit from this place. Don't get me wrong, I'm on the edge of my seat and ready to sprint the heck away from Marymount, but from Nova... no way. This is scary. I truly found myself here. I feel like I'm about to leave half of my heart here. So quickly, I established amazing relationships and a world of possibilities, only to put them on hold for a while. I'm trying to be sunshiney about this... I know that this is all happening for an ultimate good, and I know that I won't end up miserable. But it's still a struggle knowing what I'm temporarily leaving behind. I'll probably cry when I leave, not gunna lie. And guys, I'm really not a crier, ever. Womp.

You know, my laptop battery life is approximately an hour. It irks me frequently.

I found the greatest Christmas gift for my dad. It's gonna make him laugh a lot.

I have a headache, dunno know why. Go awayyyy.

I just realized that since it's so close to Christmas, I should probably have some peppyhappygolucky Christmas spirit... Jingle bells?

My apple has a big fat bruise. Sorry for shoving you so violently into my backpack, apple.

I'm so glad to be alive today. Just realized that my car crash was exactly two months ago.

I think I'm going to go to the library during the day today. Maybe I'll get more done.

I'm watching a movie in class and it just described Hilary Clinton as "a sexy little lady." Yuck?

I would love a cigarette right now.

Blehhh, my computer's gonna die. But I'm gonna go into this week with a dumb smile and live alive through it all. I'm going to miss this, and I know it will go by way too fast. Happy Monday :)

No pressing matter, it's simply Tuesday.

If I gave a name to the world outside today, it would be Nonchalant. The rain sweeps the streets and trees just how it wants to, not too violently and not annoyingly sprinkly either. The puddles don't mind being stepped in. It's comfortably warm outside, like the air doesn't mind the rain either. The hum of traffic isn't a nuisance like it usually is, it just kind of gives background music to the slow motion of Tuesday. Somehow today, I just don't mind the rain.

What I'm grateful for today:

- water coolers
- by boss is awesome
- a clean room
- the promise of sleep looming in the [very far, yet visible] distance.
- upfront conversation
- tie dye
- marlboro
- the awesome possum invention of the world wide web
- 10 days till im done with college [for now]

It is SO difficult to focus on schoolwork right now. I feel like I have thirty thousand bajillion things to get done but I have no idea where to start. Bleh. I think I just need to take a step back and regroup. Chaos breaks its neck by tripping over reason. I'll just keep truckin... after all, it's only Tuesday.

It's been a while.

It's been a while since I've had the urge to stick my thought-vomit on my blog. It's been about a month and a half since my life started running circles around my own head. It's been about a month and a half since I realized how little I know and how excited I am for the rest of my life. It's been about a month and a half since I should have died in a car crash.

2 am. October 11, 2001. Mile marker 126 on I-68, somewhere in western Maryland.
Behind the steering wheel, cruise control at 73, completely awake and alert.
My front right tire brushes the rumble strip on the side of the road. I don't know if the sound startled me because I was "in the zone" or what, but as I tried to correct the wheels, we started to fishtail. At 73mph on a dry, curving highway. It all happened so fast, it just feels like a violent blur. We fishtail violently, wheels tipping in the air from the speed and jerking. Then we were flying. flipping. tumbling. It's like my mind took snapshots of it. All I can remember is the feeling of glass and dirt exploding in my face simultaneously from the windows blowing in. Then the eerie stillness when we finally landed rightside up. The only sound was the engine seizing and spinning unevenly. Then Michael asking, "Are you alive?"
Our car flipped [from what we can gather] about 4 times. Across the entire median, to the other side of the interstate, landing miraculously rightside up.

I'm still finding glass in my purse, in a pair of shoes, on my floor. I can't get away from the experience... but I've discovered that maybe I don't want to let it go all the way.

This experience made my life stand still. Time didn't make sense, nothing was normal, I didn't even know how to have a normal conversation. But as time has slowly but steadily returned to its normal pace, my world is completely different. I feel like someone tied a rope around my torso and pulled me around in a sharp 180 degree turn. So many things that I thought mattered just stopped mattering, and the important stuff that I shoved in the background of my life suddenly became priority. It's not a "in the moment" kind of revelation, this is real, this is God, this is my life taking a huge leap in the best possible direction. I'm peaceful, for the first time in forever. I'm finally, truly, relinquishing the steering wheel to God. I found out in the most literal way possible that, as much as it feels like you're in control, you never fully have it. You are not a free agent. Your life is absolutely not your own. One second you may think that you've got the world wrapped around your pinky, but in a split second, you better believe that feeling can be shot to hell. After my accident, I was the smallest, most vulnerable I have ever felt. The obvious yet somehow earth shattering realization that I'm not the one to call the shots completely overtook me. I understand now and forever that this experience was a valiant act of God. I should have either died or been severely hurt in this car accident. Yet, everything that should have gone wrong didn't.
In the week leading up to the accident, I decided to go underway in the People of Praise, a decision that earlier in my life would have seemed absurd. But I've been given the grace to see the beauty of this body of people who love me as a sister and who are willing to lay their lives down for me every single day. I don't even know a lot of them either. Satan was so active while I made the decision to go underway. He put every single possible reason in my head as to why i SHOULDN'T go underway. It's a leap. It's uncertainty. It's unknown territory. It's away from the comfort of a college lifestyle. It's against the grain, no one here at school will understand. But amidst all of these scary thoughts in my head, God had an overwhelming presence. The word in my head that has been constantly present since the day I went underway is TRUST. I've been doing a lot of trusting lately. it's been the best decision of my life.

Someone told me a few days after the accident that when Satan wants to discourage you or when he gets angry, his immediate reaction is desperation. Satan makes desperate moves when he's desperate. His desperate and dramatic move in my life was making my car do acrobatics across an interstate. God deliberately counteracted this by completely preserving me. That alone for me is enough. I witnessed the awesome power of God. I was a receptacle for the outpouring of his grace and mercy. My eyes are wide open with anticipation of the great plans he has for me. I'm listening actively and completely willingly for the first time.

I've decided, based on tons of prayer and conversation that I will not be returning to school next semester. In other words, in t-minus two weeks, Mary Christeta will no longer be a college student. I don't quite know where I'll be living or what I'll be doing, but I do know that this is absolutely the right decision. I'm trusting God with this, foolishly and blindly. It's one of the hardest things I've ever decided, it's a blind step off of a cliff into the dark. I have no idea how long the fall will be, or if I'll fall at all. I do know that the right decisions do not always present themselves as the most comfortable or conventional options. Sometimes things don't make sense until you do them. So right now, I've stopped being solely a thinker and started being a doer. It's not a trip to Disney World, it's not warm and fuzzy. But it is good, and it is peaceful. For me, it is enough.

"Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act." -Psalm 37:5

Semi-charmed Life.

I'm really, really hungry.

I am listening to "My Hit and Run" by Third Eye Blind, and I'm falling in love all over again with them.

I'm getting more psyched for my guitar class. It's picking up a little and I'm getting more comfy with a guitar in my hands. And I'm getting fingertip callouses! Yay no more pain. However, my wrist HURTS from prolonged fretting and barring.

I'm going to a HANSON CONCERT. Yep, you heard it. October 19th, I cannot wait for you. Props to my friend Claire who's taking meee. I'm soooo excited.

This is how I feel right now:



I'm like the modern-day poster child for the "we can do it" mantra. 20 year old nursing student taking 19 credits and working 11 hours a week with no room in her day to eat and no time at night to sleep. However, I am soldiering on. I have Third Eye Blind and Dashboard Confessional singing to my soul and the promise of a 4 day weekend looming in the distance. It's a semi-charmed life.

Happy Monday anyway.