When too late turns into far too soon
and you're tangled in faces you thought would be forgot
easily,
time becomes a tangible force of decision weight
and your feet tethered to crossword conversations
make it feel like it's beginning to leave you behind
without asking your permission.

Honestly let's be honest turns into a revolting spin cycle,
and you're catching yourself in repeated mistakes-
always ruing your folly, but your constitution too frail to
commit to abandoning the wreck.

As your tethered feet begin to feel numbed by the pouring of cement,
you come face to face with the dreamy countenance of carefree unthought
and it's for you to decide what's worth saving--
your soul, weak yet hungering
or your gluttonous emotion, rank with overindulgence.

Summertime Musings

Hey, world, it's been a while.

I am currently surrounded by sidewalk chalk, water balloons, and copious amount of bubbles. Can you say bliss? All that's missing is tiedye and maybe a popsicle or seven. It's a beautiful day. The kind where you feel the heat coming from the ground just as much as from the sun. When the grass is sticky and hot and the shaded pavement is cool. Days like this take me back to when I was little and shoes didn't matter and summer was synonymous with adventure. I think I need a little bit of adventure in my life. I'm starting to get restless from feeling too static.

Time moves way faster than you think sometimes, doesn't it? Life has funny ways of reminding you to stop spacing out and letting time slip by unappreciated. My dear wonderful sister and her husband are expecting a baby! Due Christmas Eve. I am beyond elated about this. My other sister is getting married in a few months! I'm the maid of honor. So exciting! My best friend Valerie gets married in less than a month and I'm in her wedding as well! What joy. Just happy joyness everywhere.

A few days ago, I bought two toe rings. I am currently wearing both.

Lately, I sing more than I have in a while. This is a good sign.

I sat at this little Irish Pub called Fiddler's Hearth with my friend Calla yesterday. We listened to live Irish music and ate pub pretzels and talked about our future selves vagabonding around the world. Day made.

I spent $50 at CVS today, and the majority of my purchase consisted of bubbles and sidewalk chalk. Win.

I smell good right now. Always a good thing.

I get to go to Diamond Lake tonight and visit awesome cousins! Diamond Lake teems my mind with memories of childhood Fourth of Julys, sitting on the edge of the wooden pier, legs too small for my feet to touch the water, watching twilight fireworks electrify the sky and soak up the darkness. Firework imprints would jump in my eyelids every time I blinked. Even though I would be sunburned and exhausted, I came alive when the sky lit up. Fireworks are still one of my favorite things.

As naptime winds down here in nanny land, the house is growing more abuzz by the minute. I've blown up about 8 balloons in the past 5 minutes and I'm lightheaded but laughing.

I saw a chipmunk steal away an entire chocolate chip cookie today. Pity about the casualty, but I was impressed with the chipmunk.

I love the feeling at the end of days like this, mentally and emotionally drained from being needed by 7 kids all day long, yet oh so satisfied at the same time. A sense of accomplishment abounds, and love for the kids takes over my heart. I'm smitten, I am.

Duty calls, sidewalk chalk masterpieces are begging to be created, and I'm the girl for the job.

Happy Wednesday, world! Hope yours is as colorful as mine is about to be :)

It's something, at least

Holy wow it's been forever since I've visited my little blog.

Today, it's sunny outside and the air is incredibly crispy and sharp like a whistle. It's days like this that make me miss my daily runs in Arlington, the windy streets and oh so many leaf-crunched, muscle-aching hills. When did I start letting chilly weather get in the way of what makes me so darn happy? Resolution: I shall resume running.

It's dawning on me that the end of this semester is rapidly coming to a close... finals week is a-coming! Oh boy. Good thing I'm only taking 3 classes right now.

I crave conversations about big things. I wish Becca were here. I want to read C.S. Lewis books out loud and scribble notes in the margins and discuss the complexities of life and death and the human mind and the love of God and drink a good beer while doing so. Someone should step forward and help me avert my crisis of having a people-void in my life. Rawr. I should stop being grumpy and ungrateful. There is a lot to be grateful for... time for a list? Alright.

I'm grateful for my zippy little car that never lets me down.

For unmatched socks
For good books and blank journal pages asking to be filled
For discounts
For work
For honest, true-blue, no-nonsense conversations
For sleep, no matter how little
For God.
For my tiny little adorable Turkish math professor. She makes me giggle every time.
For phone chargers.
For the good old world wide web.
For sound advice and fierce love.

Oh, dear life, sometimes you muddle my brain.

I'm procrastinating cleaning a bathroom right now. It's just not a fun job. But it must be done, so I'm gonna do it riiiight now.

Miscellany

Oh life, how you love to keep me guessing. I'm making fast friends with the fact that no two days are the same in my twisty little world.  I am astounded more and more every day at God's unrelenting grace, helping me choose a sunny attitude instead of being burdened by a self-imposed foggy outlook. He's got it all figured out, that Big Guy.

I just recently returned from a very full week in Northern Virginia. I went to my cousin Emily's lovely wedding, reunited with some long-lost faces, danced to top-40 songs, and had dance-offs with 5 year olds. Oh, weddings. Annnnd speaking of weddings, love is certainly in the air, because my oldest sister Rebecca was proposed to on Memorial Day by her wonderful fiance Billy. I'm so thrilled for them! Here's to a crazy 6 months of planning and gleeful anticipation of what I'm sure is to be one heck of a great wedding. What a cool thing.

I got accepted to IUSB today! Hahah, not like I had any worries of being rejected, but the reassurance that my near-future includes school is a very good one. I'm so excited to get back on that grind. Paper writing and wearing a backpack and being the new kid... it's gonna feel like the first day of kindergarden! (without the paper lunch bag with a note on a napkin from my mom.) I have every confidence, that come fall, my life will have morphed into what I've been slowly trudging towards. When I was in Virginia, as much as it was great to be back, I found myself missing South Bend. That, my friends, is something that I NEVER anticipated would happen. However, it sure does testify to the fact that my decision to move back here was a good one. I see so many bright and beautiful things happening in the near future, and many of them would not exist if I hadn't chosen to leave Virginia. I have hopes, maybe too many, but God is so neat, he probably has way better surprises waiting for me than I can imagine right now. I'm just excited for life, a feeling that's been a long time coming.

Come Monday, I'll be nannying mostly full-time again for the same wonderful little kiddies I had last summer. Only this time, there's a new addition to the family! I will now have seven of these adorable, very spirited, sometimes crazy but always wonderful kids. I'm so excited for the snotty-nosed hugs, getting attacked when I walk through the door with kids sitting on my feet curled around my legs and storybook reading before naptime. By no means am I saying that I won't be exhausted, because mark my words, I will be! I'll be nannying as well as continuing with my other 3 part time jobs, hahah. But hey! If the opportunities are there, why not scoop them up? My life won't be like this forever. I'm grabbing the bull by the horns.

Good books borrowed from friends
A huge pile of clean laundry that smells like a fluffy ducky
Rekindled friendships
Work
Being healthy
A morning off
Phone calls
Family
Day planners
Pens that work
Encouraging words
Fun happenings, however small
Driving to Cassopolis in the rain, detouring closed roads, and not getting lost

These are a few of my grateful-fors.

It's Saturday and sunny and the air outside feels so alive and alert, like even the trees and the sky are excited that summer's coming down the pike. Life is good today.

So Much is Changing

I can see it, little by little, my world being morphed. Morphed into what I have been aching for, subconsciously battling to see. There are struggles. A lot of them. Some inexplicably difficult to surmount.

On April 20, a good friend of mine fell and sustained spinal and neck injuries that led to her death 2 days later. This haunts me, bruises my heart and I ache to understand why she was taken from us. Linden Whitt was the one of the most beautifully genuine, wonderful, witty and truthful people that I have ever met. We went to Walt Disney Elementary together in fifth grade. She was in "Thinking Cap" with me and "Disney Dancers" and "Enrichment Plus." She was smart. So, so smart. She lit up the room. If you heard the expression, "maaaaan" from across the room, you knew it was her, and you'd smile. That's what she did, make people smile. All the time. She loved Fight Club and could probably recite the whole movie if you asked her to, she loved food. A lot. She loved people watching at WalMart and having bonfires. I learned a lot from her. I miss her terribly and I don't understand why her life was taken so early. She was so beautiful and taught so many people how to love and live with zeal and humor and to seek truth. But that's just it. She tattooed herself on thousands of hearts, what else can I be but grateful to have had her in my life? The Lord's got it all figured out and we don't. He had a reason for taking Linden, and I rejoice that she is with the Father. I can see Linden and Him having witty banter and high fiving. She's having a ball, I know it. Rest in peace, dear friend. I miss you every day.

I currently have 3 and a half part time jobs. Haha, I never thought I would have the problem of not having enough time, because until a few weeks ago, that was the opposite of my problem. I had way too much time on my hands. Now, in addition to my restaurant job [Monday, Thursday, Friday nights and double Saturdays], I nanny two boys Monday, Wednesday and Friday days and I care for an elderly [and i mean 99-year-old-elderly] man on Tuesday and Wednesday nights and twice on Sundays. I also have the occasional catering job. My life is nuts! The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that the Lord is providing for me like crazy! I am living here for a reason, and although initially I couldn't come to terms with it [because I was jobless and lonely and miserable], now I'm beginning to see the results of my trust in coming back here. I see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel [which will be me finally being able to afford my car and school in the fall.] It's all going to be okay. All is well, even if I'm exhausted and sometimes grumpy. I have support in every direction. I get to spend tons of time with two adorable little boys who make me laugh and give me unlimited hugs. I get to learn from a man who's been alive for almost a century and get to read him his own books that he's written and learn about his amazing life story. I'm making friends at work and I just don't feel as alone as I did. That's a big thing. It's a constant lesson for me that life won't always feel like a happy little bubble. Especially at my lowest lows, I forget that it's a conscious choice to be happy sometimes. Emotions are a wonderful and terrible thing. It's laughter versus self-depreciation and isolation. Always choose laughter. It makes the devil angry and it makes you happy. Win-win, kids. [Now we'll just have to see about how good I am at taking my own advice]. There are constantly things that we can second-guess, over-analyze, worry about or be discouraged by. [I ended that sentence with a preposition and I will not fix it.] But, at least today, I am shaking everything off. Life is life and sometimes the future is too fuzzy for you to fret about the now. So, all is well. Living alive is the best you can do. It's the best I can do. To be the me-est me and to let laughter come easily and let your worries trail behind. It's a new day, every day.

What i am grateful for today:

 -In two weeks, I get to go back to DC and see so many lovely people that I miss all the time.
-I can afford a car in less than a month. YAYAYAYAYY.
 -Valerie and Matt are getting married and I'm so excited.
-Two people held the door for me today. Chivalry exists!
 -My mom, happy early mothers day!
-Employee discounts
 -Gas Stations
-Shoes with good traction. I no longer ice skate on the slippery restaurant kitchen floors!
-Bobby pins.
 -C.S. Lewis [he's on my list every time]
-God.
 -Conversation.
-My life.

Ta da! I'm done with the word-vomit for today. It had been forever since I posted anything, though, and writing what I think is therapeutic.
Shout out to my Friend Katie Anne who is en route to Ghana as we speak! Be safe and have the time of your life, Frannie.

I'm done now. All is well. I like today, even though it's cloudy. Cheers.

Food for Thought

So during my first year of college, Valerie sent me a little book called "God Calling," and it's essentially 365 entries, one for each day of the year. Each entry is titled, and each has something specific to say. Most of the entries revolve around scripture. The one for today was really cool and so I thought I would share it.

Hold Your Fort

Remember that My followers are to be a peculiar people, separated from among others. Different ways, a different standard of living different customs, actuated by different motives. Pray for Love.
Pray for My Spirit of Love to be showered on all you meet. Deal with yourself severely. Learn to love discipline.
Never Yield to one point that you have already won. Discipline, discipline. Love it and rejoice-rejoice. Mountains can be removed by thought. Rejoice.

Pretty nifty, I think. I like to think about dealing with myself severely. It's so true, you totally have to. I definitely need to be my own slave-driver sometimes, but it always pays off. Just thought I'd share that entry. I love my little book.

Contemplation... and Aslan.

It's Good Friday. What else better to do than to contemplate the goodness of our existence and the profound sacrifice of Christ with a little help from C.S. Lewis? I've recently made the resolution to re-read the Chronicles of Narnia books. I read all of them in a book club back in the dinosaur days, but it's time that I reinforce my great appreciation for the books with a little revisit to Narnia. I do have the entire series on audio, but I wanted the real thing, so I went around the house and rounded up my paperbacks.
It's amazing how much more the books mean to me both spiritually and intellectually now that I'm older. I'm so excited to get Clive back in my life. Plus, Aslan is the man.

I finished A Separate Peace yesterday. Fannntastic book. I wasn't sure where it was headed because kind of throughout the book, you're trying to pin down a solid plot, but in the end, everything makes tragic sense and you're left wanting more. I highly recommend the read. Its only like 200 pages.

I don't wanna work today. Womp womp. This restaurant business is kinda like going to kindergarden with a lot of adults. But there are no naps involved. And the only finger painting is when you pick up a salad and accidentally stick your hand into the side of dressing. Nevertheless, I will soldier on because by golly I am getting paid for this. Let's all cross our fingers that people feel like being generous tippers tonight.

I wonder how much it costs to make road signs. The other day, I saw about 5 in a row that said "Left lane must turn left." They were literally one behind the other. Frivolous, I tell you.

This is one of the only sunny Good Fridays I can remember.

Have you ever noticed that you're only REALLY hungry on the days you're supposed to fast? On a normal day, I would do just fine but the knowledge that I'm not supposed to eat very much is making mah tummy growl.

I have it in my mind to go sit on the roof and think deep things. I think I will.

So, on this Good Friday, I am contemplative about the undeserved sacrifice that Christ made for us in dying on the Cross. I think of Mary, watching her own son have nails pounded into his feet and hands. I think of all of Christ's friends, the people who loved him, who watched Christ suffer, our God in the flesh. He chose to suffer that we may live. His love for us conquers death, and the resurrection of Christ is the reality of life-- that it only begins on earth. I am sorrowful today, but on Sunday, Christ is risen, and in that, I find insurmountable joy.