I can see it, little by little, my world being morphed. Morphed into what I have been aching for, subconsciously battling to see.
There are struggles. A lot of them. Some inexplicably difficult to surmount.
On April 20, a good friend of mine fell and sustained spinal and neck injuries that led to her death 2 days later. This haunts me, bruises my heart and I ache to understand why she was taken from us. Linden Whitt was the one of the most beautifully genuine, wonderful, witty and truthful people that I have ever met. We went to Walt Disney Elementary together in fifth grade. She was in "Thinking Cap" with me and "Disney Dancers" and "Enrichment Plus." She was smart. So, so smart. She lit up the room. If you heard the expression, "maaaaan" from across the room, you knew it was her, and you'd smile. That's what she did, make people smile. All the time. She loved Fight Club and could probably recite the whole movie if you asked her to, she loved food. A lot. She loved people watching at WalMart and having bonfires. I learned a lot from her. I miss her terribly and I don't understand why her life was taken so early. She was so beautiful and taught so many people how to love and live with zeal and humor and to seek truth. But that's just it. She tattooed herself on thousands of hearts, what else can I be but grateful to have had her in my life? The Lord's got it all figured out and we don't. He had a reason for taking Linden, and I rejoice that she is with the Father. I can see Linden and Him having witty banter and high fiving. She's having a ball, I know it. Rest in peace, dear friend. I miss you every day.
I currently have 3 and a half part time jobs. Haha, I never thought I would have the problem of not having enough time, because until a few weeks ago, that was the opposite of my problem. I had way too much time on my hands. Now, in addition to my restaurant job [Monday, Thursday, Friday nights and double Saturdays], I nanny two boys Monday, Wednesday and Friday days and I care for an elderly [and i mean 99-year-old-elderly] man on Tuesday and Wednesday nights and twice on Sundays. I also have the occasional catering job. My life is nuts! The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that the Lord is providing for me like crazy! I am living here for a reason, and although initially I couldn't come to terms with it [because I was jobless and lonely and miserable], now I'm beginning to see the results of my trust in coming back here. I see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel [which will be me finally being able to afford my car and school in the fall.] It's all going to be okay. All is well, even if I'm exhausted and sometimes grumpy. I have support in every direction. I get to spend tons of time with two adorable little boys who make me laugh and give me unlimited hugs. I get to learn from a man who's been alive for almost a century and get to read him his own books that he's written and learn about his amazing life story. I'm making friends at work and I just don't feel as alone as I did. That's a big thing. It's a constant lesson for me that life won't always feel like a happy little bubble. Especially at my lowest lows, I forget that it's a conscious choice to be happy sometimes. Emotions are a wonderful and terrible thing. It's laughter versus self-depreciation and isolation. Always choose laughter. It makes the devil angry and it makes you happy. Win-win, kids. [Now we'll just have to see about how good I am at taking my own advice].
There are constantly things that we can second-guess, over-analyze, worry about or be discouraged by. [I ended that sentence with a preposition and I will not fix it.] But, at least today, I am shaking everything off. Life is life and sometimes the future is too fuzzy for you to fret about the now. So, all is well. Living alive is the best you can do. It's the best I can do. To be the me-est me and to let laughter come easily and let your worries trail behind. It's a new day, every day.
What i am grateful for today:
-In two weeks, I get to go back to DC and see so many lovely people that I miss all the time.
-I can afford a car in less than a month. YAYAYAYAYY.
-Valerie and Matt are getting married and I'm so excited.
-Two people held the door for me today. Chivalry exists!
-My mom, happy early mothers day!
-Employee discounts
-Gas Stations
-Shoes with good traction. I no longer ice skate on the slippery restaurant kitchen floors!
-Bobby pins.
-C.S. Lewis [he's on my list every time]
-God.
-Conversation.
-My life.
Ta da! I'm done with the word-vomit for today. It had been forever since I posted anything, though, and writing what I think is therapeutic.
Shout out to my Friend Katie Anne who is en route to Ghana as we speak! Be safe and have the time of your life, Frannie.
I'm done now. All is well. I like today, even though it's cloudy. Cheers.
